ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH day #5

Today, March 5th, is the fifth day of ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH and the photo theme is:

SMILE

So...here was an early morning SMILE

Today the SMILE was definitely not easy coming. I am, and have been in moderate to severe pain and cramping, trying to use my recommended medications as directed, heading pads, stretches, light walking, all to no or very minimal avail. It is very frustrating. The picture below is how I actually really feel. 

This disease truly leads you through the trenches of emotions and mental spaces: 

Fear

Frustration

Anger

Sadness

Hopelessness

Pain

Shame 

Envy

Overwhelmed

Alone

Misunderstood

Panic

Unimportant

I think on any given day I feel a great majority of those as a direct result of the ENDOMETRIOSIS war going on inside myself. Some days, like the last few, I feel like this disease and all of the heavy, uncomfortable and excruciating physical ramifications will take my life force from within me. I feel so very tired of fighting to feel good- and that thought then makes me angry, thus the cycle is born...alas, tonight that is not my point.

So... I digress...tonight I suffered through cramps, excruciatingly bad pain, and took a soak in a warm bath. After my bath while towel-drying my hair I saw just how much hair I've lost over the past few weeks, since my liver and Lupron fiasco. That really is bothering me a lot emotionally right now. It may seem like nothing, especially in comparison to the other life-changing symptoms and issues...but more than the issue itself of hair loss, is the fact that there is one more area of my life and body that is impacted by this disease, and/or treatments I've undergone.

Tonight some truths about my medical path and future have really impacted me tonight. 

And I may as well admit it:

I am absolutely terrified.

None of my "options" seem less terrifying than the other, for different reasons of course. I'm crying as I write this post, realizing I have to somewhat get it together by my appointment Friday morning so I can be as present as possible and advocate as made necessary for myself and MY body.

This quote below I LOVE, especially when thinking about our ENDOMETRIOSIS support groups, all of the ones I belong to are through Facebook- this quote I found so beautiful and think it true of everyone one of my sisters, both those in these groups and those I don't even know yet.

I tried to postpone writing tonight, waiting for me to feel better or until I could write something more positive, but that simply isn't where I am tonight, so I decided to somewhat vulnerably share this: my authentic place, as that is my goal within this blog (to openly share my journey, hopefully raising awareness and lessening the completely unnecessary taboo nature of ENDOMETRIOSIS)

Anyhow, with that I sign off and hope all of my sisters out there are feeling great, or at least good... and another thank you to my readers for taking the time to follow my story, learn a little bit and hopefully laugh sometimes.

namasté all.