Three weeks ago I had my gallbladder removed AND my life has been drastically different from then on. It has led me to a life-altering epiphany:
Nothing lasts forever-- even PAIN.
How in the world did I get to that place?
Let's start here, the day of my surgery.
I was filled with doubt and fear about the surgery and what the results would be. I was not completely sure that this surgery would make a difference and lessen my pain, much less remove it.
Receiving these flowers and the teddy bear really was a great source of comfort. Being in the hospital is a very isolating experience. Even though I had visitors, for the most part the experience was very scary, filled with vulnerability and ultimately left me feeling anxious and somewhat lonely. The flowers and bear served as the perfect visual reminder of the large, amazingly supportive, strong and LOVING network of friends I have that are always there, even when they're not THERE. This experience forced, or allowed should I say, me to realize the depth of my connections with people and see that it really transcends space and time. One of the reasons I am now grateful for having gone through this incredibly painful experience.
After surgery I woke up in recovery in truly unbearable pain, physical and emotional. I was wearing a hospital gown with a particular pattern on it that I specifically remember my dad wearing while he was in the hospital a free months ago, when he ended up passing away. It really hit me hard, I'm not sure why because I had already been in the hospital several days by this point, but it did. This fear, and emotional pain was to the point of having a true panic/anxiety attack that resulted in somewhat violent crying spell.
Additionally, physically the pain was incredibly overwhelming. I was really beginning to regret the surgery. I think this is something that may be common when people have a surgery that results in organ removal, I remember having the same feelings when I had my hysterectomy-- something about the permanent-ness of it.
Eventually I allowed myself to take a deep breath...and then literally I felt EVERYTHING lift up, including myself and my perspective.
This affirmation dropped into my soul and since then EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING changed:
I don't need this pain
&
I don't deserve to feel this pain
After a nap and letting this new way of thinking/feeling sink in a little more fully I was feeling so very relieved and renewed. The evening of my surgery I was up and walking the hallways, dragging my iv stand. My nurse was very glad with my progress. I felt like a brand new girl experiencing everything anew and without the lens of pain I've worn for so long.
This next picture is me the evening I returned home. I love it because I feel like I look the purest I have in years, no cloud of pain, or discomfort. I feel like it if the first I've seen *ME* in a VERY VERY VERY long time.
The following day I was up and well enough to go out and run errands with my neighbor and very close friend.
In order to match this new me I needed a drastic haircut. I cut about 7-8 inches off. It felt so perfect. I feel like with the haircut, weight loss, disappearance of my bloating, surgery, my outsides are matching my insides.
I feel lightyears better than I did.
I've been getting back into my groove while physically healing from this surgery, and from the imbalances that were in my body due to my physical issues. A much more centered, grounded state has resulted.
Without having the constant haze of pain I am able to fully land in my body. I can feel my body and myself in ways I've never been able to before.
So, the moral of the story is:
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER-- even, and maybe even especially, PAIN.
Signing off as a new, dress-wearing, life enjoying, dream-making, cat-loving girl who is so incredibly grateful for her new place in life.
So a special message to my readers who find themselves in a difficult place, physical or emotional:
Nothing lasts forever- even PAIN.
It really does end.
Life can continue on without the pain. Or actually it might be more accurate to say life can begin without the pain.
