Tearless Grief Bleeds Inwardly, part 1

It has been such an incredibly indescribable week! I've been dying to blog about what's been going on but wanted to wait until a bit of time had passed in this new state to confirm it was more than a fluke of a day or two...following are some pictures that show pretty well how I was feeling due to exhaustion, nearly constant nausea and pain due to ENDOMETRIOSIS.

Last week, in kind of an 'all of a sudden' type way, I began toying with the idea of piercing my nose. I stumbled upon an article about ancient Indian and Ayurvedic tradition that explains that the left nostril on women is directly connected to the health and fertility of the female reproductive and sexual organs, frequently piercing the left nostril in instances of difficulty conceiving. The second I read that I knew I needed to do this, for my ENDOMETRIOSIS. It touched me on such a deep, personal, soul level that I went out Saturday, found the ideal tattoo and piercing shop for me (which could be a post in itself) and got it done. 

Not only do I love the jewelry I chose, just a small stud with "diamond" stone, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE it aesthetically.

On this day I more than pierced my nose...which I openly and honestly discussed with my piercer... I made a sincere and seriously hope-filled wish that this would help me physically, which would help me in ALL ways.

Below is my sweet little piercing right after I had it done! It was so very exciting and scary at the same time. 

Wait a minute...piercing one's nose to help ENDOMETRIOSIS sounds crazy...even to me...but so does having two surgeries, one total hysterectomy, an unsuccessful post-hysterectomy biopsy, and two bouts of chemically induced MENOPAUSE...

Come to think of it, should this piercing thing offer any relief, it sounds the least crazy of the things I've listed above, but a nose piercing can't help so much in that kind of way, it just can't.

Right?!

WRONG WRONG WRONG

(we're about to get personal lol)

Tomorrow afternoon will mark one week that I had the piercing done and week also mean the beginning of my physical revolution and successful revolt against endo. 

~No nausea

~No bleeding

~No pain going to the bathroom

~No cramps

~ No vomiting

~No debilitating pain

AND this is ALL on NO meds

(Not including what I MUST take for sleep and the herbal supplement I take to help 

with my ADD)

For the first time in months, if not years, I felt like I wanted to wear a dress. And not only that I felt good, like I even looked good, in that dress! 

This may not seemingly be that important or significant, BUT because of the recent and significant absence of the ENDOMETRIOSIS and all the ways it had impacted my life, it led to my HATING being a girl, a woman, because it had tossed so much havoc into my life and my body. 

I found myself through most of my week putting in additional effort in the morning to "get ready:" make up, outfits-- cute outfits, more specifically--,wearing my hair down, etc. It was exciting to me and a direct result of how I've felt since the piercing. 

I feel as though I'm able to peel back these protective layers I've worn, in more ways than one, for more reasons than one. By shedding these one necessary layers I'm rediscovering and LOVING myself into myself- if that even makes sense.

I cannot not and am not meaning to imply that my having my nose pierced has solely contributed to this NEW feeling of wellness. There is an amazingly long list of things that have conspired amongst the universe to provide this relief. I do know I KNEW the piercing would help me. I'm trying to learn to listen to and not disregard that inner voice, that often whispers the wisest of advice that we can hear.

I read this quote this week about grief that shockingly felt deeply, deeply, deeply related to my ENDOMETRIOSIS and I most definitely plan on seriously blogging on it more deeply tomorrow or maybe Sunday as I feel a little more into it. 

Here is the phrase:

Tearless grief bleeds inward

Reading that quote really struck a strong chord within myself. Since I read it, I've been in a lot of tears (fit many different reasons and occasions), the most I've had in a long time and it feels amazing.

Anyhow, thank you all for reading my blog and for joining me during this journey through the cosmos. I hope those of you that have ENDOMETRIOSIS yourself that you trust your gut when you read things, see things, feel things, even if they seem off the wall and people scoff...I'm not saying, go get your nose pierced, but I am most definitely saying to trust yourself, trust your gut, trust your inner tuition. I think it also helps to talk it out to people that you know will not judge your thoughts, feelings, ideas. One big thing that is of utmost importance in 

OUR healing is:

DO NOT LOSE HOPE!!

A biiiiiiiiiig thank you to those of you who do not have ENDOMETRIOSIS who read my blog, I'm really hoping to help show the severe impact that endo has on every aspect in the lives of the women it affects. I hope you've learned a little something. I also really appreciate the amazing amount of LOVE, support and guidance I've received throughout my endo experience.

LOVE YOU ALL. 

~namasté

be BRAVE! be BRAVE! be BRAVE! be BRAVE!

This week has not been an easy one -- physically or emotionally.  Work has felt overwhelming and I'm beginning to notice an emotional component to my Lupron treatment. I'm noticing an increase in hot flashes also and they seem to be tied to my emotional state of mind and levels of stress. 

It is incredibly difficult to try and remain the same person I was pre-MENOPAUSE, especially in my work. In my job, I am to help coordinate care and services for my elderly clients and provide the support they and/or family members need. I am finding myself brought to tears frequently during the day, having strong surges of anger and hot flashes accompanied with sweat dripping down my forehead. I'm easily triggered from somewhat calm to incredibly frustrated at an alarmingly fast rate of speed. I get frustrated with myself and practically everyone I encounter. 

Here is how I've felt this week in the office, I'm big on having pictures of EVERYTHING. LOL.

Another aspect of my personal life that has made this week rather difficult is that yesterday makes six months ago that my dad passed away of cancer. That is still an open and painful wound. I miss him terribly and frequently stumble upon things that I would've asked his advice on or for help, which feels like a kick in the gut each time I realize he is no longer there.

I am grateful everyday that I have the most amazing cat that just overwhelms me with LOVE each and everyday. He cuddles me and knows when I don't feel good. He knows just what I need. He is a very very very wise kitty. His name is Tink and it truly is the perfect name for him. He is pure magic and I LOVE him more than words can say.

I'm trying my hardest to remain BRAVE and keep my first momentum. It is really hard not to get sucked down. I am not getting sucked down, but physically am struggling right now as my body continues to try and fight to regain some type of peace.

This first BRAVE image is not my own. I found it online and have further edited it with a few apps on my phone, but I take no personal credit for the image itself.

This BRAVE HEALING image is truly one of my favorite pictures right now and it is central in my HEALING process to look at it frequently.

Thank you so very much for reading.

For those endometriosisters reading, I hope you're feeling well and you are on your own journey of BRAVE HEALING.

For those readers that do not have endo I hope as you read my posts that you realize how much, how deeply and in how many ways endometriosis impacts the lives of women who have it. It is not as if we can push pause on the rest of our lives, heal our bodies and then continue on with our lives-- which can be the cause of a lot of strife and struggle, which of course impacts and can intensify the symptoms. Sigh. 

I love you all and send big LOVE to you for taking the time to read my blog.

~namasté. 

BRAVE HEALING + LOVE TOUCH= MIRACLE

This was an incredibly long week, both work-wise and physically, not to mention emotionally. This post is kind of a "part two" or, better yet, a follow up to my post about my amazing hike and the endometriosis cave.

This first picture is me Friday morning, ready for work, with Katie. When I began my day Friday I had absolutely no idea what a life-chang day was ahead of me.

Friday was quite possibly one of the craziest workdays I've had in a very long time which left me really not feeling very well physically. After work I had an appointment with my painting teacher Jamie, who also happens to be a magical wizard of LOVE. When I arrived I didn't feel that well physically and had quite the Katie apparent while having lost a significant amount of weight in the past few weeks. We were out in the yurt, which is one of my favorite spaces ever, very magical energy, and we started talking about the hike and my experience there. It was really the first time I had spoken about that special hike aloud. Some of our conversation is really too sacred to share, but Jamie offered to do something to Katie that has definitely never been done: to lovingly massage special rose lotion 

on her. I was a little nervous at first for a few reasons, I was struggling with finding Katie embarrassing and haven't had her touched much at all. I closed my eyes took a few breaths and let Jamie do it. The second she started I knew I had absolutely made the right decision as I could feel something indescribable happening within Katie. It felt so incredibly relaxing, soothing and loving to have this done. It was a very special experience. When we were done with our appointment we scheduled or next appt time and I quickly used her bathroom before my drive home and it was then that I noticed the significant difference in the size of Katie. It was amazing. I excitedly showed Jamie. 

The following picture was taken when I got home. . . Most definitely the smallest, and the softest, Katie has been throughout this entire endo return.

I had an awful night, a lot of crying, pain, nausea, restlessness. I was also kind of nervous that Katie was going to return overnight. However, I wad pleasantly surprised when I got up and found her even smaller, which is this next picture.

It is greatly due to this furry little beast that I've survived these past few physically devastatingly painful nights. He miraculously knows exactly what to do and does it with all of his big heart and healing soul.

Saturday afternoon I had an appt with my meditation, healing teacher Diana. She is the one who has helped me develop this concept of BRAVE healing that I am trying to find my way through. We both noticed immediately the change within myself, including my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual states. 

I'm not sure I can put words to all that has transpired over the past week, but I can say without a doubt that massive BRAVE healing is truly beginning to happen withing my physical and spiritual selves. 

I FINALLY BELIEVE I CAN FEEL BETTER- THAT I WILL FEEL BETTER! That is the vital first step of this BRAVE healing process. I am very excited to be occupying this new emotional place, as I now know I am in the place from which I can be propelled forward from into REAL healing.

The following pictures are from Diana. She wrote the BRAVE healing on the much smaller Katie. 

(The red marks below the writing are burn marks from unfortunately hot heating pads)

Currently, physically, I am in a lot of pain and experiencing nearly overwhelming nausea, while still enjoying a noticeably smaller Katie. I am thoroughly enjoying resting with my very healing kitty. I consider myself very lucky to have such a sentient, loving, gentle, healing being at my side during this battle.

Thank you all for reading this. And sending special thanks out to Jamie my magical wizard of LOVE, Diana, my mom, my coworkers and boss, my dear friends. 

LOVE you all.

~namasté.

I'm no math pro, but I strongly believe: Katie + Me = Pompeii

Well this week has been difficult in terms of endometriosis: bleeding, vomiting, nausea, bloating, nausea, exhaustion, etc-- however, my menopause experience hasn't been that bad this week. (Definitely feeling grateful for that!!)

One symptom that has really brought me to my emotional knees has been, yet again, my pregnant looking bloating, which I've named Katie. Not a day goes by that at least one individual will not ask, touch it or offer congratulations. Everyday I do a lot of mental work to get up and out into the world, that question always knocks me sideways and can be hard to recover from. It isn't even the comment or gesture itself that is the problem, or rather the trigger-- it's the emotions that it brings up related to my having had to undergo a hysterectomy at such a young age, thus losing my child bearing ability, though it wasn't likely a possibility physically anyhow with my condition as it was pre-hysterectomy.

Now, having said that, I do not at all regret my surgery and do not even want to have children now-- however that doesn't wipe out the emotions that accompany these decisions and procedures. I do wish that, even if I still had endo to the same extent, that out could be more hidden within my body and I could be more successful at getting on with my day and my work without constant reminders of this painful issue going on in my life.

What this has shown me is that I'm nowhere near done processing, or grieving even, my previous surgeries and difficult medical decisions that had such life-changing results.

It is something that I believe will take some time and hard, hard work, but for some reason tonight I feel a renewed sense of perseverance.

Tonight, for the first time in a long time I actually feel like, NO, tonight I KNOW I can do this. I HAVE to and I will. A dear friend tonight told me I'm a W A R R I O R, and for some rain tonight is the night I almost trying, deeply believe it...it feels good.

+

=

There is a song by the group Bastille which I am currently in LOVE with and out absolutely screams to me my experience and current battle with endometriosis. 

Following are some of my favorite lyrics

 (not necessarily in the correct order):

How am I going to be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

And the walls kept running down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

I'm not even sure I can yet put into words the connection, but it is something I feel deeply within myself. It feels like such a comfortable and significant release when I hear, and sing loudly along to, this song.

Hoping all of my endometriosisters experience some deep and heading relief and that those of you reading that do not have endo yourself, I hope you learn a little more about in what ways endometriosis affects the lives of women who are living with it.

Katie and Me: Reborn

Every Sunday I go hiking. I have two fabulous girlfriends that go and we have such fun together AND we've seen some beautiful and interesting places. It is truly one of my favorite parts of my week. Luckily I was well enough to go Sunday morning, however my nausea impacted our drive as we had to pull over several times. But we finally made it to our destination...

a trail we had never done before. 

And we were off...

Luckily the hike was short and before we knew it we found ourselves at the base of the most breathtaking waterfall I've ever seen: 

300+ feet, two tiered, lush, green and mossy.

If seeing this waterfall had been our entire experience I would've been incredibly satisfied, even overwhelmed by the natural beauty...however, unbeknownst to us we were about to have a most amazing, spiritual, adventurous experience INvolving this mammoth waterfall.

Following are some pictures from our trail hike and some from the creek that flowed from the falls, as we crawled down to follow the creek.

I loved touching the water. Barely having my fingertips gracing along the top of the stream allowed me to feel the strength, perseverance and sense of life that the water possessed...

a very special feeling that I 

truly, deeply enjoyed.

And then the AMAZING waterfall...

(the pictures do not do it justice, by far)

 

I was in absolute awe.

We ran into a couple of people who had knowledge of the falls and had been there before. They informed me that you can in fact crawl through, behind, under the waterfall and go through to the other side. Without thought I followed them into this cave, which involved a lot of maneuvering of my body to get in the right angle, BUT I did!!  Crawled through kind of fast, needed to keep up with our new friends...it was incredible! Every emotion was felt: excitement, fear, pure joy, appreciation, amazement, anxiety. Once I came out the other side I was absolutely exhilirated. I wanted to take my camera in and then have my friend take pictures of me going in and coming out. I spent a lot more time IN the cave. With the flash of my camera I was able to see and feel the detail of the inside of the cave. It was absolutely amazing. I touched all over, slowly running my hands everywhere I was able, some areas were dry, some moist. I was calm in there. I felt calm in a way that words cannot yet describe -- completely at home, protected and held. To be quite honest I wished I never had to come out, I had never experienced anything like this ever before. Could not quite put my finger on what it was that I was experiencing. 

UNTIL it came to me: the insides of the cave looked exactly like ENDOMETRIOSIS. The connection was made. I felt as though I was standing IN endometriosis.

I have always thought of endo as being a vicious, mean, hate-filled entity fighting for, and sometimes gaining possession of my body.  This shift in perspective has brought about a feeling of serenity while going through this physically trying treatment. Though the feelings I have and have experienced, as well as the lens through which I've viewed my endometriosis 

has been reality,

which sometimes simply ain't that beautiful.

Being in that cave, feeling its heartbeat through the pulse of the falls flowing above has helped me to shift my lens to that of BRAVE HEALING which involves strength, determination, love, acceptance but not relinquishing and renewed willpower.

I MUST WIN.

And winning means more than "just" in a physical way.

Had to end with a pic of me and my most amazing fur baby who took such incredible care of me when my endo had a seriously intense and painful flare up yesterday and last night. He is SUCH a lover.

Don't Let Me Down Now

Wow, well today marks one week of being on Lupron and in MENOPAUSE. I'm not sure what is causing the kind of day I had today, but I'm going to enjoy it:

~ no nausea
~ a half a hot flash
~ minimal mood swings
~ no sweats
~ only minimal cramps
Most excitingly~ NO BLEEDING!!!!!

I had an incredibly long, busy workday and am exhausted but, still, only in a little bit of pain. Put a heating pad on after a hot bath and am cuddling with my kitty.

Hoping for a continued easing up and lessening of symptoms and for a full night of deep, peaceful sleep.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I'm hoping to spread awareness of this disease and what it means in the lives of everyday women AND for those women suffering with it already to know they/we are not alone in this at all.

PS this image isn't mine, I saw it in an online support group.

Lupron: A Week in Review

WelI my first week on Lupron sure has been an emotional and physical rollercoaster!

Physically since my injection I've experienced the following:

~ night sweats

~ insomnia

~ extreme abdominal bloating

~ hot flashes

~ over sleeping

~ excruciating pelvic cramps

~ utter physical exhaustion

~ mood swings

~ menopause memory loss (like forgetting what I'm saying as I'm saying it)

~ the most random, painful pain in my left shoulder bones-- luckily not constant, it comes inwaves

~ breakouts

~ restlessness

And emotionally, I've been ALL over the place:

~ sadness

~ angry

~ frustrated

~ hopeful

~ scared

~ regret

~ overwhelmed

~ embarrassed

~ grateful

~ alone

~ misunderstood

The below picture is my second night in MENOPAUSE, which was HELL.

And below is the morning 

hike I went on last Sunday, first menopause hike! Saw such beautiful trees and a waterfall!

A very dear client planted me this special plant and brought it to me with a very sweet card that she made on the computer. She said that the plant should grow quite a bit and that it is a girl plant. She said "It is my hope that when the plant is a big girl I hope you're back to being a little girl" (in rereference to my bloating, which I've named Katie). 

So I am incredibly grateful that tomorrow is Friday. I have some fun things planned for this weekend: having lunch with a girlfriend Saturday, then seeing my meditation teacher/ dear friend, then very special friends are taking me out to some type of surprise event, not a clue as to what that will be. Sunday morning I will be going with two girlfriends for a beautiful hike and a special birthday lunch for one of my hiking girlfriends, then we will stop at our family ranch and pick some Satsuma tangerines. 

Hoping for a physically easy weekend so I can actually enjoy some of these things I have planned.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this blog, and if YOU are personally suffering, I hope this has brought some relief in knowing you/we are in fact NOT alone in this incredibly, deeply painful and scary place.

Namasté  to you all.

Thought we should end with a pic of my precious baby, Tink, who daily saves my life in more ways than I can say. He is such a magical, healing, sentient cat of LOVE.

 

Lupron baby...

Yesterday at 10:30am had my first Lupron injection in Beveloverly Hills at a beautiful injection center. My dear friend went with me and held my hands during the injection. It hurt nothing like I remember, though it took a significant amount of time for me to understand the directions the nurse was giving me on how to stand during the injection lol.

I was incredibly nervous on our way down and even in the room, the following pic cracks me up, only now that it is over. I also hadn't realized how big Katie really looks. I've only taken pics of her from my own perspective and angle so it was shocking to see this, kind of disconcerting.

I asked my friend to take pics so I would have them for my blog :)

Still not sure about this MENOPAUSE business...

Yea guess we're REALLY doing this...

We be in 

MENOPAUSE, baby... 

The injection wasn't bad at all! Scheduled for injection#2 in April. 

Found out I'm on the three month injections, which is much more convenient for me workwise - 

the last thing I need is to miss

more work!! 

Grateful that I had such a great nurse 

give me my injection,

such a supportive friends to hold my hand and such a beautiful infection suite...only in Beverly Hills does an infection center have such a beautiful balcony!! I went out on it before my injection and took a few deep cleansing breaths... REALLY helped to center before my injection.

Thank you soooooo much for taking the time to read this. Going to cross my fingers that Lupron brings some relief.

And just to end on a positive note, here is my beautiful, healing LOVE cat, Tink.

Twas the Night Before Lupron

Well, after several weeks of nearly indescribable suffering, tomorrow I'm going to to the injection center in Beverly Hills and will be having my first Lupron injection. I have gone back and forth about whether this is what I wanted to do or not. I surprised even myself by coming to this decision, for several reasons this is what I decided. First, I've been absolutely miserable and feel like I MUST do something. Second, I absolutely trust, but not blindly, my doctor- he is a genuine, knowledgeable medical professional who actually WANTS me to feel better. Third, the surgery that has been described to me is a little on the hardcore side of things and would really rather have these injections be successful than go through another surgery and recovery. Fourth, this return of endo is truly and deeply impacting my work, and that is just unbearable.

As I prepare for my appointment, I'm feeling a wide array of emotions: hope, fear, nerves, unsure, worry, sense of desperation, shame, frustration, anger, sadness, shock. I'm incredibly hopeful that these injections both improve my current condition and don't overwhelm me with unpleasant side effects. I'm afraid that the exact opposite will happen. I'm nervous about the injections themselves, I believe they were painful and burned. I'm unsure of the outcome of these injections and I'm unsure of how I can handle (physically and emotionally) an unsuccessful round of this therapy. I'm worried about how this condition will effect my life and quality of it as it continues to attack my body. With the growing symptoms and increasing nausea, pain and bleeding, I NEED this to work-- I just turned 30 this past summer and I've already had to undergo a total hysterectomy due to endometriosis. I desperately WANT/NEED these injections to help. I feel such shame with this return, as if it is some type of punishment. (Part of the reason I'm blogging is to deal with the misplaced shame I feel). I am so frustrated with every aspect of this painful disease, further frustrated with the lack of public knowledge about this disease and the cultural insensitivity to something that so seriously affects so many women-- women who should be able to be living the prime of their lives. I'm flat out angry that I have to deal with this AGAIN!!! I don't think it's fair, yes I know, life isn't fair...doesn't change my feelings though. I am sad for myself having to deal with this, and even more sad to know that millions of other beautiful women are suffering just as I am. Interestingly after several weeks of suffering very obvious and troublesome symptoms I'm still somewhat in shock that this has even returned. After having a total hysterectomy, I let myself, no matter how naively, believe it was impossible to return.

The image below isn't mine, I didn't design it, I don't intend to take credit for it or for the design, concept, etc, however I saw it on Google images and find it is so incredibly perfect to describe my sentiments toward endometriosis:

My New Year's resolution and mantra from Winter Solstice is BRAVE HEALING. So I'm going to try to walk through the emotions I listed above and put all my energy and intention into my injection tomorrow being the beginning of my BRAVE HEALING.

 Sending big, healing hugs and loves to all of my endosisters out there. Remember, as much as this disease sucks, and boy does it, we do not walk alone, especially when we share our experiences. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. If you have endo yourself I hope you found some comfort here. If you do not have endo, I hope you learned a little more about the ways that endo affects women's lives.

Namasté and loves to all.

New Year's Day Project

Well with the return of my endometriosis I've experienced a surreal amount of enormous, uncomfortable and pregnant-looking bloating. With the fact that my case of endometriosis has made me unable to carry a baby, it is quite painful to look pregnant. What makes it even more emotional is when I'm out and about people will share congratulations, ask when I'm due, or even reach out and touch my belly. True, they are just expressing LOVE and genuine positivity; however, also true, it is incredibly painful to be put in such an uncomfortable position so frequently with strangers. I've expressed a wide gamet of responses, ranging from sarcasm, tears and inappropriate anger. The people offering me their sentiments do not deserve my sarcasm, but I also believe I don't deserve to have whatever healing I may have achieved to be ripped off and to feel so vulnerable by an encounter with a stranger. 

I've had several people give me advice on how to better handle this situation, especially since it will obviously continue until my problem is dealt with. One friend advised me to simply say "thank you"... I cannot do that because it simply isn't true, I am not thankful that yet again I'm reminded by a stranger that I look pregnant and all of the emotions that sets off within myself. Another friend suggested I simply explain that I'm not pregnant and I have endometriosis. That response is not only more true but adds a platform for education, but still leaves me with the emotional experience I go through when people ask.

This morning, fittingly, New Year's Day, I decided I would deal with this in my own style and way. Initially I tried to sew "no, I'm not pregnant, I have endometriosis"... however I'm not sure how I became so delusional as to think I could sew all of that- guess it could be the pain pills lol. Anyhow I did sew "no" and then stopped, realizing I have no sewing skills... I ended up getting a cute v-neck shirt and fabric paint markers. Much easier!! I have now finished one shirt that explains that I'm not pregnant, I have endometriosis. I'm geekishly excited about this and most definitely plan on making a few and will be wearing this first one tomorrow. Truly hoping this will put a stop to these incredibly uncomfortable, emotional encounters.