what is it like to have an endo flare up?

People have asked me what it is like to have a flare-up. So I'm going to share the nitty gritty here about what it is like, and no I'm not

 going to censor myself. 

Unfortunately right when I started this posting I began a three-day, and STILL going strong, flare-up. So I'm writing this from current and past experience. I've also decided to include pictures because I feel like pictures can say things words cannot.

This first picture is me RIGHT NOW. Yes, I'm crying, in a ball on the couch. It hurts too much to sit up and for some reason being in a ball position helps, or is the common position in which I find myself during a flare.

I experience a wide variety of symptoms

 during a flare:

Nausea, like not able to move nausea

Vomiting, I've spent many a night on 

the bathroom floor

Increased bleeding, sometimes large clots pass

Hot flashes

Chills

Excruciating pain

(Some types of pain: 

pulling, squeezing, stabbing, 

squashing, pressure...)

Back pain

Leg pain

Bloating

Crying

Moodiness

Sometimes, but not always a flare can be accompanied by a far along pregnancy type bloating. I was bloated yesterday and am not today. I cannot find any triggers to my bloating but it is quite uncomfortable as you can imagine.

The following picture is from one of my hospital visits this year. For some reason, for me anyhow, nighttime is the most painful, 

whether home or in the hospital. 

Though various parts of flare-ups change from time to time, the only constant is my kitty. He is ALWAYS there to support and love me. He will frequently cuddle with me when I'm crying and if it gets really bad he'll lick my forehead to try to help. He is such a great kitty cat. He knows when I don't feel good and tries with all his might to make me feel better.

In 11 days I will be undergoing excision of endometriosis and lysis of adhesion surgery with the AMAZING Dr Cook of Vital Health Institute. 

A note about Vital Health Institute:

After years of being ignored and blatantly mistreated by the medical profession, I contacted this office with low expectations. The first person I came in contact with is one of the most incredible, caring, compassionate, kind people I've met, Margaret. She's one of those people that always leave you feeling better than before you talked. Truly amazing. With her being so amazing it should've come to no surprise to me that Dr Cook would be so amazing, but it did, it truly took me aback to be so cared about by a doctor, even after he learned I have endo. Normally that is the point where doctors label women as weak, drug-seeking, mental, exaggerating, etc. But Dr Cook has dedicated his entire career to the health and welfare of women with endo. He is so gentle, respectful and truly wants to help me to feel better.

I just can't say enough about this man and his entire office staff. I'm greatly looking forward to surgery day and to this all becoming a distant memory. I'm also looking forward to writing my first post-op blog, which will likely be written from my hospital bed.

Thank you ALL for reading and wanting to learn what endo REALLY IS. I hope this blog serves as a vehicle of awareness, no matter how small. It is important for people to see how much this disease truly impacts and changes every aspect of our lives and the lives of those around us. 

~namasté.

Long Overdue Update

After suffering from endo and abdominal/pelvic adhesions and dysfunction for 17 years, I've gotten to the point where the physical problems and symptoms are daily. I've had to take a medical leave of absence from work. My body is exhausted, and to be honest, so is my spirit. It is so difficult to suffer so frequently and to really have no hope of things EVER changing or improving.

The past few months I've been experiencing a great increase of symptoms that has greatly compromised my quality of life. Fatefully I've recently stumbled across a most amazing pelvic pain/endo specialist. I made contact with the office and spoke with an incredible woman who worked in his office. I couldn't believe how kind and genuinely compassionate she was, even after learning I have endometriosis. Frequently medical professionals make nasty assumptions against those with endo. I ended up scheduling both a phone consult with the surgeon to review my records and discuss a plan of action AND an in-person pre-op. After some thought and discussion with the surgeon it became apparent that excision surgery was the way to go with the endo and adhesions.

So last week, my mom and I piled into the Benz and made the six hour trek to the surgeon's office. 

Here we are at the beginning of our adventure.

Grateful to my friend for reminding me to bring a pillow, as it added so much my comfort for being in the car so long. It was really uncomfortable to be in the car for so long. 

The evening we got to town we went to dinner with a friend to a great Mexican place. I really enjoyed my white peach margarita.

More important than my delicious dinner and drink, my new friend gave me the gift of renewed hope.

After suffering for SO long I had begun to lose hope of things REALLY changing or improving. She's seen countless girls go from being in pain to health. I FINALLY have hope of myself going to that place of health.

Having endometriosis and adhesions really makes the exam portion of doctor appointment truly EXCRUCIATING. There hasn't been a pelvic exam or transvag ultrasound I haven't bawled through. She suggested a cute shop in town and we went there before my doctor appointment. I scored these new shades and this new ring, along with a headband. My mom also got a really pretty top!! Loved the shop and it really served the purpose of being a distraction.

We went to lunch at California Cafe and had a truly delicious lunch of tomato basil bisque and peach lemonade. We did cheers to my new doctor and our upcoming appointment.

The medical office was just beautiful AND the staff was incredibly kind, caring, organized and just all around phenomenal. The doctor is amazing and I FINALLY feel like I'm the right track; I'm on the path to HEALING. The consultation was perfect, unfortunately it had to end...dun dun dun...meaning the pelvic exam and ultrasound were upcoming. They lead me to the room and have me the option of having my friend coming in and being with me. At first I thought, no I don't need that...then on second thought I jumped all over that offer. And the support I felt from her holding my hand in combination with the most amazing, gentle, caring doctor EVER made for the least painful exam experience I've ever had. I can't say I'm looking guard to my next exam, but I can say that I'm infinitely less terrified of it.

Armed with a surgical plan and date, a renewed sense of hope and a fabulous sparkle headband I was able to leave feeling more connected within and in balance than I've felt in a very long time.

I was also put on a dairy, gluten and sugar free diet also by a special nutritionist. So keep your eyes open for recipes and success posts.

So far I'm in LOVE with green smoothies.

I'm going to be more regular in my posts.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey and for your unending support. It is more than exciting to think that this journey is FINALLY on the right track.

~namasté all.

nothing lasts forever- even pain

Three weeks ago I had my gallbladder removed AND my life has been drastically different from then on. It has led me to a life-altering epiphany:

Nothing lasts forever-- even PAIN.

How in the world did I get to that place? 

Let's start here, the day of my surgery.

I was filled with doubt and fear about the surgery and what the results would be. I was not completely sure that this surgery would make a difference and lessen my pain, much less remove it.

Receiving these flowers and the teddy bear really was a great source of comfort. Being in the hospital is a very isolating experience. Even though I had visitors, for the most part the experience was very scary, filled with vulnerability and ultimately left me feeling anxious and somewhat lonely. The flowers and bear served as the perfect visual reminder of the large, amazingly supportive, strong and LOVING network of friends I have that are always there, even when they're not THERE. This experience forced, or allowed should I say, me to realize the depth of my connections with people and see that it really transcends space and time. One of the reasons I am now grateful for having gone through this incredibly painful experience.

After surgery I woke up in recovery in truly unbearable pain, physical and emotional. I was wearing a hospital gown with a particular pattern on it that I specifically remember my dad wearing while he was in the hospital a free months ago, when he ended up passing away. It really hit me hard, I'm not sure why because I had already been in the hospital several days by this point, but it did. This fear, and emotional pain was to the point of having a true panic/anxiety attack that resulted in somewhat violent crying spell. 

Additionally, physically the pain was incredibly overwhelming. I was really beginning to regret the surgery. I think this is something that may be common when people have a surgery that results in organ removal, I remember having the same feelings when I had my hysterectomy-- something about the permanent-ness of it.

Eventually I allowed myself to take a deep breath...and then literally I felt EVERYTHING lift up, including myself and my perspective.

This affirmation dropped into my soul and since then EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING changed:

I don't need this pain

&

I don't deserve to feel this pain

After a nap and letting this new way of thinking/feeling sink in a little more fully I was feeling so very relieved and renewed. The evening of my surgery I was up and walking the hallways, dragging my iv stand. My nurse was very glad with my progress. I felt like a brand new girl experiencing everything anew and without the lens of pain I've worn for so long.

This next picture is me the evening I returned home. I love it because I feel like I look the purest I have in years, no cloud of pain, or discomfort. I feel like it if the first I've seen *ME* in a VERY VERY VERY long time.

The following day I was up and well enough to go out and run errands with my neighbor and very close friend. 

In order to match this new me I needed a drastic haircut. I cut about 7-8 inches off. It felt so perfect. I feel like with the haircut, weight loss, disappearance of my bloating, surgery, my outsides are matching my insides. 

I feel lightyears better than I did. 

I've been getting back into my groove while physically healing from this surgery, and from the imbalances that were in my body due to my physical issues. A much more centered, grounded state has resulted.

Without having the constant haze of pain I am able to fully land in my body. I can feel my body and myself in ways I've never been able to before. 

So, the moral of the story is:

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER-- even, and maybe even especially, PAIN.

Signing off as a new, dress-wearing, life enjoying, dream-making, cat-loving girl who is so incredibly grateful for her new place in life.

So a special message to my readers who find themselves in a difficult place, physical or emotional:

Nothing lasts forever- even PAIN.

It really does end. 

Life can continue on without the pain. Or actually it might be more accurate to say life can begin without the pain.

a long long day is ending

Today was off to a beautiful start with the perfect combination of June gloom (my favorite weather!!!!) and a delicious detox water (lemon, cucumber, blackberry, mint).

Later this afternoon I had a follow-up appointment with the liver doctor regarding the liver biopsy I had taken while I was having my gallbladder removed. The diagnosis could've been worse, but that being said I definitely NEED to follow some new guidelines and I WILL. I WILL beat this too!! I was so nervous. 

Then I had to get bloodwork done!! Not so good with that lol, which is made evident by the look on my face lol.

Then when I returned home to find my custom stamped necklace was delivered today. I'm so excited. The circle plate says BRAVE healing and the rectangle bar says TRIBE (for myself and two very special friends). I put it on right away and I'm so very excited. It feels amazing to be wearing it. It feels very special and RIGHT ON!!

Tonight's detox water recipe is:

Cinnamon sticks

Apple

BlackBerry

Lemon

Strawberry

And I steeped it in ruby red chai tea this time!! Something new for me!! Can't wait to try it in the morning!!

That pretty much sums up my day. Wanted to end with an inspirational image and think I found the perfect quote!! Hope it speaks to you!

Have a good night, all, and thank you for reading.

~namasté.

Love, love.

hiking to health

This morning I went on my first Sunday morning hike for several weeks, since I was sick and my first since my surgery last week. I was a little nervous about it, BUT it was great.

I told my friend, Karines, about my drinking detox waters and she's completely supportive and is beginning to make her own now. I made her first jug last night and she was thrilled with it this morning. It was a delicious concoction:

Lemon

Key lime

Apple

Pear

Peach

Cara cara orange

Cucumber

Mint

Blackberry

Blueberry

Strawberry

I'm in love with these water creations, not only do they look like delicious, gorgeous pieces of art, but I can FEEL them changing my body already. My doctor is thrilled that I'm drinking these!

Our detox water was the perfect drink to have with is on our hike. We walked a beautiful trail that ends up at seventy foot tall waterfall and a gorgeous little stream. The weather was absolutely perfect and because we went early we were able to have some completely rehashing, serene, spiritual time down at the falls-- my favorite part of our hiking tradition.

There are a few different trails to the falls so we're going to explore other trails here until we've done them all.

Here I am down at the falls, of course with my beautiful detox water!!

I really enjoyed my morning meditation this morning, was very deep and special. I left this place feeling very secure, safe and healthy and WITHIN myself, which is so very important.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the next pose. It was the perfect chest opening movement to begin my meditation and relaxation.

This following picture is my favorite picture of my friend and I. She is truly a great friend. We've been friends for seven years and have been through EVERYTHING together:

Grad school

Boyfriends

Break ups

Jobs

Moving

Family losses

Medical situations/surgeries

Road trips

Day trips

We've decided today that we've set some goals and made some decisions and we are going to continue hiking towards health together.

So, tomorrow is a big day, I'll be returning to work, on my full-time schedule-- yikes. The only thing I'm nervous about is getting so crazy tired. I think I'm make it through ok, just gotta make sure I get more sleep than last night. I've really been struggling with sleeping ever since my surgery. It is nearly impossible to get comfortable. BUT I'm going that since my body is so tired tonight that I'm just fall asleep regardless of discomfort.

I look forward to continuing to share my journey with you. I will definitely continue to share my detox water recipes. They are so very good for you, PLUS they taste great-- can't go wrong with that!

Hope everyone has a great week!!

Namasté and deep, BIG LOVE.

a new day

It is so incredibly hard for me to believe I had surgery was a week and a half ago! In some ways it feels like lifetimes ago and like yesterday at the same time. 

I was in the most excruciatingly painful state I've ever been in, EVER EVER EVER. These first pictures are from the day I went into the hospital. I was so uncomfortably bloated and my whole body was just hurting and since I now know the problem, I was likely toxic. I was miserable and terrified. Going into the hospital with abdominal pain leaves so many options as to what could possibly be wrong, which is really terrifying. The relief that washed over me when we decided on removal of the gallbladder is truly beyond words. Furthermore, the relief I've continued to experience daily since that day is amazing, truly lifesaving. 

I'm not even sure I can find the words to describe what it is like to have the veil of chronic, terribly excruciating pain lifted. It is amazing to realize how stifling and confining the pain is, without you even noticing. I NEVER realized how much, as in both amount and in time, pain I was in. I don't think people can truly understand what that kind of pain can do to every part of a person: body, mind, heart, soul.

My cats have been such strong, powerful, protective, healing rays of LOVE within this healing process. They know exactly when I need or want to cuddle and they just take such incredible care of me. I don't know what I'd do without them. I am glad now that they can just enjoy me being their mommy and once I've recovered from surgery, they will not need to take care of me. I hope that offers them relief also.

I feel like a brand new girl. That is not to say I'm pain-free, but the pain I'm experiencing now is simply surgical recovery-related pain, which because it is a HEALING pain is completely different and tolerable.

This week I'll be returning to my normal work schedule and I'm both excited and nervous. Excited because of my newfound energy, but nervous because I'm exhausted easily. I'm going to take it easy and get back into my groove.

Here I am one week after my surgery. I feel like I can see LIFE in my eyes, which has been absent for quite a long time.

To complete this major life transition I chose to chop off my hair, have it straightened and dye my ends blonde. It was the perfect choice-- I couldn't be happier with it or LOVE it more. It feels so good.

I love that the haircut is versatile and can be styled in different ways and it is slightly edgy but still professional since I'm a geriatric social worker and am in the working world and professional community.

This afternoon I had an appointment with my spiritual counselor, Diana, and it had been quite some time since I've been able to see her. It was really great to see her and to see her see me and my new-ness. I really enjoyed seeing her and being able to have a debriefing of sorts after all of this-- even though my results couldn't have been more desirable-- has been a stressful and scary time.

I LOVE this Sharpie tattoo from this afternoon so very much, I think it looks really cool and pretty with my scars!!

Well, nearly two weeks out from my surgery and my life is so much better than before, EVERYTHING is different and feels new because I'm able to experience things more without excruciating pain and the haze of pain drugs.

With everything going on in my life and some internal work I'm doing I'm going to be changing the name of my blog to BRAVE HEALING. I hope you'll continue along the journey to health with me and we can share our experiences, speed bumps, inspiration with one another.

Thank you all for reading. It really means a lot.

Sending you big, grateful LOVE from the bottom of my finally heading soul.

I'm not sure exactly where my path will be leading me next, but I'm most excited now to be on my way.