I am BRAVELY HEALING

In this blog I'd like to share some of the techniques I use to deal with the physical and emotional pain that I experience. I am by no means perfect at any of these techniques, but I am learning and getting better with them everyday by practicing them and am excited to pass on any knowledge I can.

In Meditations to Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, I've taken the meditation on pain and will share it here:

The affirmation offered with the Pain Meditation is: 

Love will always dissolve pain.

And here is the Pain Meditation:

My Higher Self shows me the way to live in a pain-free life, both emotionally and physically. I am learning to respond to pain as if it were an alarm clock signaling me to wake up to my inner wisdom. Something I am thinking or doing is not for my highest good. Am I angry at myself or my body? Healing begins with love for myself and love for every part of my body. As I move in consciousness from anger or fear to love, my situations and my health move in a positive direction. I love my body, and I love my mind, and I am thankful that they are so closely related.

Loving my body is the first step in healing.

Another meditation from that same book is on Healing.

The affirmation offered with the Meditation is:

My body is balanced, healthy, and happy. . . and so am I.

And the Meditation:

I am open and receptive to all the healing energies in the Universe. I know that every cell in my body is intelligent and knows how to heal itself. My body is always working toward perfect health. I now release any and all impediments to my perfect healing. I learn about nutrition and feed my body nourishing, wholesome food. I watch my thinking and nay think healthy thoughts. I release, wipe our, and eliminate all thoughts of hatred, jealousy, anger, fear, self-pity, shame, and guilt. I love my body. I send love to each organ, bone, muscle, and part of my body. I flood the cells of my body with love. I am grateful to my body for all the good health I have had in the past. I accept healing and good health here and now.

Good health is my Divine Right.

I also wanted to share some anxiety tips that are offered on a posting on the Healthy Place website, called Top 21 Anxiety Grounding Techniques, the article is written by Kate White. I've selected particular parts to share:

Sometimes the worst stress comes from the things that are all too terribly familiar. There are times that anxiety can make even daily tasks seem insurmountable, even though I've done them countless times before. I know it's something I can do, it's just that in that moment it's implausible.

. . .

Treat anxiety with grounding skills

If you want to stop the "spacey," or you feel your self slipping into the spiral of anxiety, try some of these helpful anxiety management techniques:

2. Breathe slowly and steadily from your core. Imagine letting fear and worry go, evaporating with each breath.

6. Eat or drink something. Is it hot, or cold? Sweet, or sour?

8. Use your voice. Say your name or pick up a book and read the first paragraph you find out loud.

13. Imagine yourself in a familiar, comfortable place. Feel the safety. Know it.

14. Take a look outside. Count the number of trees or street signs.

16. Hold onto something comforting. Maybe a blanket or an old stuffed toy.

Another article I found on Elephant Journal is called 5 Ways to Have a Ridiculously Amazing Life by Richelle Morgan.

These are the 5 tips offered in the article:

Five ways to step into your life and make it ridiculously amazing:

1. Move.

As in, move, breathe and sweat.

You can’t be ridiculously amazing burrowing a hole into your couch or glued to your computer screen. (I know this because I tried. Massive fail! And what makes matters worse, that decently successful business I ran was a fitness business. How sad is that? I was inspiring others to move but couldn’t get myself on board!)

You have to get up and get your ass moving! Get the blood flowing, muscles fired up and the energy levels inspired. And the million excuses you have will come up, shelf them. If you can walk to the fridge, you can move.

I’m not asking you to hop off the couch and run a marathon, go for a walk, dance, do yoga, something. Just move. While you’re at it, move on to number two.

2. Check in and take notice.

One thing that is consistent is that life is continuously changing—and it will pass you by in the blink of an eye if you don’t take notice of it.

Start by checking in and paying attention to the little things that happen on a daily basis. I take the same route everyday to teach and each time I notice something different; it didn’t used to be that way. I used to drive mindlessly to client’s homes or to appointments and find myself 10 km down the highway with no recollection of what just passed me by. I had created a cozy vacuum of numbness that had me periodically checking out of life.

Now, I pay attention. I check in and stay present. Even when I’m doing something I do everyday, it’s become a mini adventure. I’ve noticed that anything can and will happen, but it’s up to me to take notice. So open your eyes, ears and mind. Rediscover your senses.

When you pause and actually notice the little things, what you see might surprise you.

3. Love.

Sweet, juicy, love.

Get the love juice flowing for your friends, family, partner and pets. Basically, anyone or thing that shares your space. Try to sweeten the pot with some unconditional love. Pets, easy. People; maybe not so much so try to practice first and foremost on yourself. Drown yourself in a giant pot of love juice. Be kind and nourishing to yourself in deliciously healthy ways because when we start to treat ourselves as though we are worthy, we set amazing things in motion.

After all, we can’t tap into love if we don’t love ourselves first.

4. Play.

Remember that four letter word?

If you don’t, seek out a niece, nephew, your child or a friend’s child. Watch, listen and learn. Life has enough serious moments without us purposely adding to the mix.

It’s okay to let loose and let your inner child come out and play once in a while. Be silly, dance, sing and laugh a lot. Don’t let anyone dampen your silliness. I did that and it wasn’t fun.

Now I play, a lot, everyday, with my crazy dogs, in the beautiful sea, on my yoga mat and with my boyfriend. They nourish my quirky side and allow me to be me. Which makes me smile a lot.

As a bonus, they’re helping me develop gorgeous laugh lines… much prettier than the frown lines I was working on before.

5. Leap outside your comfort zone.

Don’t think. Get like Nike and just do it! Leap, jump or dive into something that takes you outside your comfort zone, something that scares you a little or a lot.

The final thing I would like to share tonight is a technique I am working on currently with the amazing therapist I am seeing. We are using a mantra or seed thought of "what else is true?" What does this mean? Ok, let's use right now as an example, at present I am in excruciating pain due to endometriosis. So I am able to use this technique to gently change my focus from my pain to what else is true in this moment. So, what else is true for me at this time? I am sitting with my loving kitty getting loved, watching TV, just finished eating some ice cream (which I never eat), am writing on my laptop and am comfortably resting on the couch with my cozy blankets and soft sweater. So right now even just typing that leads me to think that way and I can feel the emphasis of pain fade. It doesn't take the pain away necessarily but it does help to shift my focus, which makes it lessen -- hopefully that makes sense! I have used this technique for about a year now and boy is it helpful! I use it several times per day and there has yet to be a time that it hasn't significantly helped with pain or anxiety, whatever negative experience I am having at that time.

I sincerely hope that the techniques offered in this passage will help you in your journey. Please try them and feel free to comment with feedback, or even if you would like to share things you have tried that have helped, and those that haven't!

If we all continue to share what we go through and what we do to get by, we can only grow stronger and  even more powerful.

Signing off with love and healing thoughts,

Stephanie

Together we RiSE Strong

A few days ago I went, for the second year, to the RiSE festival with some family  and family friends. This event takes place just outside of Las Vegas- seriously in the desert. It is a lantern festival and each participant gets a few large paper lanterns and a special pen to write on it dreams, goals, gratitudes (always on one whole lantern of mine), notes to loved ones who have passed. There are 20,000 lanterns and 10,000 people. The initial launch where everyone launches at the same time is absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. This is definitely an event I plan on going to for as many years as I'm able. I just love it so much and it deeply touches me. I cry like no other time, in a touched, awestruck way.

I'm including some of my pictures from this year's RiSE festival.

                 

I am consistently left with this feeling of deep interconnectedness when at the RiSE festival and for some considerable time after the event has ended. Going yearly kind of fills up my tank of the perfect anecdote to the loneliness that endometriosis has brought into my life. While reading Brené Brown's Rising Strong I stumbled up on this quote and it is perfect for the feeling I am saturated in while at or even thinking about the RiSE festival: 

“We don't have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.” 

--Brené Brown, Rising Strong

This year they had a special treat at the RiSE festival, My Intent (found at by clicking here. They make custom jewelry that has inspirational words hand-stamped on them. I chose Brave Healing of course! I love my necklace so much, please see the picture above. I think it is the perfect addition to the RiSE festival and it just added so much to my personal experience. I was completely overjoyed to be wearing it.

There was also some really incredible live music. My favorite band of the night was Magic Giant. I've found a live session they did at a radio station, (the first song is one of my favorites) and you can watch it by clicking here. I'm just addicted to them and listen to them every opportunity I get.

I am greatly looking forward to next year! I will be making this a tradition in my life for as many years as I am able. It is such an amazing event and definitely worthy of being put on any bucket list! 

Wanted to end with Brené Brown's manifesto of the Brave and Brokenhearted:

There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics 
and fear mongers
Than those of us who are willing to fall
Because we have learned to rise

With skinned knees and bruised hearts;
We choose owning our stories of struggle,
Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we run from struggle, we are never free.
So we turn toward the truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories.
Not villains, not victims, to even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives.
We write our own daring endings.

We craft love from heartbreak,
Copassion from shame,
Grace from disappointment, 
Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power.
Story is our way home. 
Truth is our song.
We are the brave and brokenhearted.
We are rising strong

Hope you enjoyed reading about it. 

Signing off with peace and love,

Stephanie

The Power of Vulnerability-- Just a quick post

Lately I have fallen in love with the work of both 

Kelly Rae Roberts and Brene Brown.

This video is so incredible, as are all of the TED talks. I hope you will watch. Their art and words speak exactly what I need to be hearing and feeling right now. I'd like to share an amazing video of Brene Brown and you can watch it here.

This is one of the pieces that I own and I love her.
She is directly in front of my writing space.

Signing off in love and unfortunately experiencing severe pain,


Stephanie

a little shot of hope

I wanted to share just a short blog post full of hope tonight, partiallly self-centered, because I need this dose of hope myself. I hope this will help someone out there tonight.

Lately my therapist has been utilizing a lot of the amazing Brené Brown in our work and I found this blog with a great yet short video that I highly recommend taking a moment to watch:

http://brenebrown.com/2015/08/05/manifesto-of-the-brave-brokenhearted-the-rising-strong-book-trailer/

I found another blog that has a TED talk by Brené Brown video and some amazing clips that show her wisdom:

http://empowerlounge.com/5-powerful-quotes-from-brene-browns-tedtalk-about-shame/

Just some food for thought on this Friday evening. 

Sending some big love and healing hugs to any hurting sisters. And big thanks to everyone for reading and following my blog.

PS EXCITING NEWS : My book will be published within the next few months, so please keep stay tuned for details and I will share them as they come.

With love and appreciation, 

Stephanie

dəˈpre,SH(ə)n & endōˌmētrēˈō,sis

In a recent post called [moh-men-tuh m] I shared about my current experience with depression, and I felt like expanding on that topic tonight. Over the past

This is me at the beach a few months ago; I was
quite pensive at this moment while experiencing
the beginning of the current relapse

two days I've been experiencing a very severe pain flare which has coincidentally (please read that with a tad bit of sarcasm lol) increased the depression I've been feeling. And since both endometriosis and depression seem to still be somewhat taboo topics to discuss, I've decided to open my big mouth to share about my experience.

At present my physical pain is easily at an 8 out of 10, and that is while on all of my pain medications, slathered in essential oils, luckily I have been blessed with countless kitty cuddles, some self-Reiki, heating pad and using my crystals.  I would say that my depression today is ranking at a similar level of severity. I think that both the endometriosis and depression feed off of and impact each other- the more pain I am in physically, the less good I feel emotionally. This seems so logical, right?! But at the same time as logical it seems, is as crappy as it seems to me. As if 'just' one of these issues were not enough then having both is definitely too much.

I thought I should start with a basic definition and description of depression for tonight's blog and have found this information on the site of NIMH (National Instute of Mental Health):

What Is Depression?

Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad. But these feelings are usually short-lived and pass within a couple of days. When you have depression, it interferes with daily life and causes pain for both you and those who care about you. Depression is a common but serious illness.

Many people with a depressive illness never seek treatment. But the majority, even those with the most severe depression, can get better with treatment. Medications, psychotherapies, and other methods can effectively treat people with depression.

There are several forms of depressive disorders.

Major depression,—severe symptoms that interfere with your ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy life. An episode can occur only once in a person’s lifetime, but more often, a person has several episodes.

Persistent depressive disorder—depressed mood that lasts for at least 2 years. A person diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder may have episodes of major depression along with periods of less severe symptoms, but symptoms must last for 2 years.

Some forms of depression are slightly different, or they may develop under unique circumstances. They include:

• Psychotic depression, which occurs when a person has severe depression plus some form of psychosis, such as having disturbing false beliefs or a break with reality (delusions), or hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations).
• Postpartum depression, which is much more serious than the "baby blues" that many women experience after giving birth, when hormonal and physical changes and the new responsibility of caring for a newborn can be overwhelming. It is estimated that 10 to 15 percent of women experience postpartum depression after giving birth.
• Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which is characterized by the onset of depression during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. The depression generally lifts during spring and summer. SAD may be effectively treated with light therapy, but nearly half of those with SAD do not get better with light therapy alone. Antidepressant medication and psychotherapy can reduce SAD symptoms, either alone or in combination with light therapy.

Bipolar disorder, also called manic-depressive illness, is not as common as major depression or persistent depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling mood changes—from extreme highs (e.g., mania) to extreme lows (e.g., depression).

From WebMD I've taken the symptoms of depression:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

 Unfortunately I would argue that each of these symptoms are also commonplace among the women who have endometriosis; I know I can say so for myself. I've also taken the symptoms of endometriosis from WebMD (while this isn't the most descriptive or inclusive list of endo symptoms it does what I need, which is just to make a point):

Some women with endometriosis don't have symptoms. Other women have symptoms that range from mild to severe. Symptoms may include:

• Pain, which can be:
  • Pelvic pain.
  • Severe menstrual cramps.
  • Low backache 1 or 2 days before the start of the menstrual period (or earlier).
  • Pain during sexual intercourse.
  • Rectal pain.
  • Pain during bowel movements.
• Infertility may be the only sign that you have endometriosis. Between 20% and 40% of women who are infertile have endometriosis.
• Abnormal bleeding. This can include:
  • Blood in the urine or stool.
  • Some vaginal bleeding before the start of the menstrual period.

Symptoms are often most severe just before and during your menstrual period. They get better as your period is ending. Some women, especially teens, have pain all the time.

When seeing each of the above endometriosis symptoms it is no wonder that women with endo could, and likely do experience bouts of depression. Endo can impact, if not completely invade and take over almost every aspect of our lives... Actually I'm struggling to think of an aspect of my life that has not been impacted by this disease and I'm truly struggling to do so. When I saw a doctor a few months ago (a substitute for my PCP since she was on maternity leave) for my pre-op appointment and when we went over my medication list (which unfortunately is never short anymore) he was shocked to see I was not on any type of depression medication. At first I was surprised at his reaction, but the more I think about it, especially now, I completely understand and it totally makes sense. How could someone be in chronic and constant severe, if not excruciating, pain NOT be depressed?! Ever since then I've been wondering the same thing. 

If you've read my prior post you know that I recently was hospitalized due to depression. It is not that I actively want to take action to end my life; it is more of a serious exhaustion, a loss of motivation/momentum and a fear of never-ending of these seriously debilitating symptoms in regards to endometriosis. I am tired of this being my life: my life being spent in bed, on the couch, or worse yet, on the bathroom floor. So it isn't quite accurate to say I'm suicidal necessarily; however, I am seriously tired and tired on another level, my body and soul are tired. I think there's a saying that works to describe how I feel: I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. That pretty much sums it up in one sentence.

I have a feeling that this is going to be an ongoing topic to explore as I'm unable to experience one without the other, with the major impacts this disease keeps having in my life. This disease has truly impacted all significant areas of my life (professional,  romantic, social, personal) and in major ways (losing jobs and friends, missing out on the romantic part of my life for some time now, being in serious pain everyday for several months). Now I am trying to pick myself back up and get back to living.  It is exhausting but I'm going to continue doing my best to keep on keepin' on. 

Signing off in reluctant and tired, yet somewhat unrelenting, 

yet dwindling, hope, 

Stephanie

Keep Holding On

At present I'm going through a very severe bout of depression, from several sources of mounting stress, a major factor of course being the nearly extremely excruciating and constant amount of physical pain I am experiencing. Music is something in my life that is a major tool and I love it so. I decided to do a music -focused blog post and share some of my favorite songs, looking at the songs that I feel I need to listen to while feeling this way. I hope this playlist of sorts can help any of you out there in a similar state, or maybe this is something you can stash away should those feelings bubble toward the surface.

**Let me make an announcement about the videos and pictures I will be sharing, NONE OF THEM ARE MINE, they are simply found on youtube and google**

Here is one of my favorite songs, no matter how I'm feeling but lyrics-wise it is perfect for how I'm feeling as of late, the band is called Misterwives.

Shania Twain has a song called Today is Your Day and here is the video with the lyrics. It sure picks me up. I love playing it really loudly in the car and singing  my guts out to it!

One of my all time favorite singers is Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine. So much so that my best friend and I once saw her twice in the same tour. Not only does she have some of the most powerful lungs, interesting and catchy lyrics and tunes, but she is a magical performer. One of her songs, Shake it Out, is really a great song when feeling down. Here is an acoustic version video with the lyrics.

My parents used to listen to Fleetwood Mac in the car when we would be on car trips and I would hate it. Now, however they are one of my favorite bands, lol. They have a song called Don't Stop; I saw them live with my mom and this song performed live is just incredible and life-affirming. This isn't a live version video but it has the lyrics which I find helpful, especially if you don't happen to be familiar with the song.

Mariah Carey has several well known hits; however one less well known song hits me very close to home and expresses things I cannot put words to and you can find a video with lyrics to the song here. 

Sia has a hauntingly beautiful voice and it is a perfect fit for the song Breathe Me. Here is the video with lyrics. I love this song. Everything about is fits how I've been feeling the past several weeks.

Rascal Flatts has a lot of songs that I absolutely LOVE but this is the song I use as a pick me up and it always works. It is called Bless This Broken Road and this video has the lyrics in it as well.

Avril Lavigne is another of my favorites and her song Keep Holding On is a great song to hear when feeling down-- you can tell that just from the title alone. Here is the video with the lyrics.

These are just the songs I can think of off the top of my head. I know there are more so I will likely keep adding to this list. I hope it helps someone out there to feel even just a little bit better!

Sending love and healing wishes to my endo sisters out there and a safe path to happiness to those out there battling depression.

love and namaste,

Stephanie

[moh-men-tuh m]

Momentum.

To me momentum can also be referred to as life's energy,  or the force, the energy that moves us forward in life. Further,  momentum is much needed in order for us to continue on;  for what is life without forward movement. What does life become without momentum? 

As our lives progress momentum slows and eventually stops. That lessening and loss of momentum is inevitable. Chronic pain and disease can produce a similar lessening of momentum effect to that of aging. 

I can only speak to the impact of endometriosis from my personal experience and I can say that endo feeds on our very life source.

It is an incredibly painful disease that effects every part of our lives and can take a lot, if not everything, from the women who suffer with endometriosis.

How does one deal with this at the age of 31?! How and why do you get up day in and day out when you cannot find a reason to exist? What do you do when you feel like your life is nothing?  When you feel as though you'll never get anywhere? When you struggle to remember why you exist,  what your purpose is?  How do you keep going when the only thing that feels constant is severe physical pain,  discomfort and feeling worthless? What is the point?

I've been asking myself the past few days what happens when our momentum is gone in life and it is right now,  3:22am that the answer landed into my breaking heart: we become invisible. We become untethered.

Nighttime is even I feel most alone, the most untethered. The world stops.  At night no one is there to hear my thoughts, except me and that can be a sad and dangerous thing. Focusing on the negative aspects and degrading myself without hope is commonplace. This continues night after night. This leaves the presence of nothing good in this miserable world that I seem to be feeding off like a leech. Giving back nothing to society; rather hurting it, like the parasite that I have become. Once sleep comes, if it does,  flashbacks and terrifying nightmares of the past haunt me, beating whatever light I have remaining inside and all I want to do is finish this incredibly painful cycle by sacrificing myself. This option plays out in my mind, and soul, all night, over and over until I wake (that is IF I've slept).

These thoughts became unbearable and unstoppable last week and I didn't want to die so I went to the hospital and checked myself in.  It was a terrifying experience which I may write about later,  but for now I just wanted to share these feelings.

Though I am terrified to post this blog,  more than any other,  I'm hoping I can reach even just one girl who is suffering and let her knowthat when those dark feelings come there are places to go, people to help.  I am nowhere near healed or maybe even healthy at this time but I am on a path,  not even sure where it leads but I'm still walking. Step after painful step.

Signing off with love and peace for each soul who was in the hospital with me,  each suffering woman out there,  and appreciation for those souls willing to and wanting to help.

Just wanted to include some information for anyone needing assistance or having similar feelings, urges, thoughts,  etc:

No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

If anyone out there reading this needs support or sometime to share with please feel free to email me at acardiganlover@gmail.com
I am not offering any professional support rather a friend and understanding soul who wants to help.

Love and namastéॐ,
Stephanie