My Best Friend, Tink the Bengal

I'd like to introduce y'all to the most magical,  sentient,  healing,  loving,  dedicated,  amazing, smart,  kind,  compassionate,  helpful,  overall incredible cat, Tink the Bengal. 

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this.  My baby's 11th birthday is this coming June 3rd- I've been his mommy since he was old enough to leave his kitty mommy.  Yesterday at the vet we were informed he has cancer.  I'm still in the information gathering/decision-making stage of what I assume will be nothing but a gut-wrenching process.  

He has been there without hesitation for me during some of the biggest events of my life: my graduating from jr college,  college and graduate school,  my broken leg and subsequent surgeries,  endo and my hysterectomy,  the illness and loss of my grandpa, the illness and loss of my dad. . . Countless other things.  

♡ ♡ ♡

He's my best friend.   When you have a chronic illness, you lose a lot of people in your life.  When you have to cancel plans so many times,  eventually the incited stop coming,  and so do the phone calls.  But Tink has always been there and has just been a source of overwhelming love and support in my life.  I love him more than I knew possible. 

He loves a good chin scratch! 

Here we are at the vet yesterday.  I literally had absolutely no idea that we were looking at something so serious. 

Still feeling overwhelmed and wanted to share some of my treasured Tink pictures. 

Below is Tink's brother,  Wilby,  and I grieving yesterday afternoon.  

In peace and love.

Stephanie and Tink

 

Just another manic Monday...and Tuesday, and likely Wednesday.

Well, this has been one of the longest weeks of my life. Anxiously making my return to work after nearly a week off AND I have my consultation appointment at UCLA tomorrow afternoon!  Physically this week has been rough. Nearly endless nausea, vomiting, chest pain, shortness of breath, severe pelvic and abdominal cramping, insomnia-- sounds like fun, eh?

Well this is what a sleepless night, filled with puking, cramping and sharp chest pain looks like:

But with a little make up, redheaded determination and brushed hair and this is what it looks like when the above monster goes out in public, or in this case, to the office.  This was my best attempt to look like a "normal", working, healthy woman instead of the sickie I feel like.

After several trips to various emergency rooms and seeing, also telephonically consulting with a few doctors it is FINALLY tomorrow that I will be going to UCLA to meet with a surgeon to discuss my symptoms and DEVELOP A PLAN OF ATTACK. My goal of course is to get back to a normal life as soon as humanly possible.  I am so exhausted physically from being ill and emotionally am extremely distraught from the devastation resulting in this painful relapse after my last surgery in June; I mistakenly thought that I would be "cured" after that and have been just absolutely overwhelmed by the emotions that have accompanied this physical relapse and increasing of symptoms.  I am sooooooo incredibly nervous and excited about this appointment.  I am nervous that the problem will be really bad, as I have already been given some possible diagnoses from various doctors thus far and none of them are anything that I want, and I am excited.  As I am trying to relax to get a good night's sleep before what will no doubt be a long day, I am trying to feel calm and rest in the fact that UCLA is a renowned medical and educational conglomeration and I have complete faith in their medical expertise and know that they are on the cutting edge in treating complex issues and diseases.

Below are some images I've collected over time online. They each speak to me for various and likely, obvious reasons. Just wanted to share some that feel pertinent at present.

Signing off, in hopes of health and healing to be mine shortly.

Regardless of whatever happens at my appointment tomorrow at least I know I will be indulging in some cat love with my boy Tink- that makes everything easier and more tolerable.

namaste, in health.

H O P E (my *LEAST* favorite 4-letter word)

The past few weeks have been so freaking scary and intense.  I've been excitingly some new and very uncomfortable symptoms.  I've had several ER visits and checkups.  I'm terrified by the working diagnosis we have tight now,  unfortunately each doctor I've seen so far has agreed.  I will be seeing a UCLA specialist this coming Wednesday.  Fingers crossed that if nothing else,  a plan of action is made.

Above is from the ER visit.  The is nothing more uncomfortable or disconcerting than coughing and vomiting blood,  aside from having the taste of blood in my throat at all times.  It really makes me sick just thinking about it.  I've had a lot less bloating,  but below is a very bloated day.  

And aside from the taste of and coughing/vomiting up blood,  I'm also unable to take a sufficiently full breath.  I'm constantly tired,  unable to fully relax due to fear.  I'm terrified about what is wrong.  The symptoms are so scary. 

My cat is such a love and takes such great care of me when I'm not feeling good.  He gives me massages and some he's so big they actually feel really good!!  He and his brother Wilby have been cuddling me together,  rich is definitely not their norm.  They just know how severe and overwhelming the symptoms I've had have been.  They take their care very seriously, at least one of them is with me at all time,  if not both of them! ♡  They're very special!!

He's very very handsome.  I feel very blessed to be his human. 

Nothing really makes me feel better,  sometimes though it is less severe than others.  Loves and kitty kisses are exactly what I need and they help take the edge off of my symptoms.  They make it hurt not as much.  

Cat love is the best love.  

♡♡♡

Below is the incredible difference I experienced in one day,  the morning,  or the before picture is on the left and after work, 8 hours later is on the right.  Pretty amazing!  That is a pretty significant change! 

The thing that has been on my mind lately is H O P E. I'm scared of hoping.  I am terrified of this relapse.  I don't want to be hopeless,  but I also don't know how many more times I can take having such hope in a treatment or whatever I'm trying,  just to be dashed by a relapse.  I'm trying to find the balance between being realistic and realizing what is possibly going on right now,  hoping it is something simple...Hoping the diagnosis I'm given doesn't have the word endometriosis in it.  I think the phrase is: 

CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC.  

I'm still trying to figure out what this place looks or even feels like.  But I'm trying. 

I think I'm gonna try to write my way through this process.  I think that'll be the way I can process what is going on.