It has taken a long time for me to have recovered to a place suitable enough to write from: I'm so incredibly grateful to be in that place now.
Last Monday I really wasn't feeling well with nausea and the gallbladder/liver pain that had reared its ugly head. The next day however I was in the most EXCRUCIATING pain. I couldn't get in a positron to relieve the pain, none of my medications were even taking the edge off, I was uncomfortably bloated, nauseous. Of all the years I've suffered from endo I'd say this day was hands down the most uncomfortable I've ever been. When pain gets to that level, fear sets in and absolutely doesn't help. I was crying, moaning, writhing around in pain.
I called my doctors and nobody could see me and my primary, who I really like, told me to go to urgent care. . .unfortunately that meant around an hour long ride. My friend was able and willing to take me. I crawled into the backseat of her Benz and we were off. Luckily traffic wasn't that bad and we made it relatively quickly. The urgent care sent me to the emergency room at Cedars Sinai.
The wait in the ER was really disgustingly long, however, I'm so very lucky and am connected to someone that works there and got a room in a half hour!!!
There was absolutely no relief until the first drop off dilaudid plopped into my system and even that didn't take the pain away but it was strong enough to take the edge off. By now it was nearly midnight, we didn't know yet if I'd be admitted or sent home. . .so my blessed friend stayed with me.
One funny story from our emergency room visit: I had to do a urinalysis and was hooked up to an iv at this point. Since it was taking forever to get someone to come unplug me, my friend helped me into the bathroom, she held my iv pole and held my gown up while I held the pee cup, it was nearly filled and I dropped the damned cup in the toilet!!! We were both laughing in hysterics at the ridiculousness of this situation. She ran and got a second testing cup and we were then ok and I completed the test.
Then I was informed that I had to have a cat scan with contrast. They tell you the drunk isn't that bad, well when you're already fighting the urge to hurl it isn't easy to drink that gloppy stuff...but ya gotta do watcha gotta do.
The waiting was really one of the hardest aspects of the visit and not knowing yet if we were staying or going...
They did decide upon admission; however, the hospital was full and so I was moved to some holding area that was really anything but comfortable. The beds aren't normal hospital beds but the gurney kind and there aren't separate rooms but curtains to close off your area. My friend was about to leave, and now it's 5am Wednesday morning...when there was some ruckus and a patient started going nuts, so much so that security had to respond- 8 security guards had to come take care of the situation. I was crying and exhausted. The nurses there did then move me to a corner that was so incredibly much more quiet than the space I was in before. My friend decided to stay with me, for which I was incredibly grateful.
It was a very long, hard night. So much pain, so little relief. One thing being in this shared area did for me was show me how crazy people are and that they completely mistreat their nurses. I couldn't believe it. I was in the worst pain of my life but there is no way I would be rude to my nurses, they are there to help after all. I made a conscious vow then to not be rude to my nurses, and I always said thank you and please.
I got the most beautiful news that I was being moved to a room...which was preceded by the news that I would be having gallbladder surgery. I'm not sure which bit of news was more exciting at that point!
A fall precaution?! Ya don't say LOL!
Coincidentally after I was in my room for a while I had some beautiful miniature roses and the cutest stuffed teddy bear delivered to me. I really really appreciated having this softness to hold onto during this painful and scary experience.
I had the gallbladder removed along with a liver biopsy Thursday afternoon with laparoscopic surgery resulting in four incisions. Immediately following the surgery while in the recovery room I was in truly excruciating pain. I had a moment of regret regarding the surgery, thinking the pain wouldn't stop.
I was crying in pain in the recovery room. They asked if I wanted my mom to come back. I said yes and then I had an absolute panic about it being upsetting to see me like that, considering what we just went through with my dad. They brought her back and I was relieved to see her but cried a lot, almost in a frenzy panic about feeling bad about my dad. The crying and emotions of course made the physical pain worse. She went back into the waiting area until I was taken up to my room.
I had the most amazing experience in the recovery room after my mom left, while experiencing severe pain it seemed like time stopped for a moment and these two life-changing thought forms dropped
into my body and soul:
I don't need to feel this pain.
I don't deserve to feel this pain.
From that moment on, the rest of my hospital stay was a breeze. Now that's not to say it was painless, but it was definitely different. I'm still feeling pain right now, but this pain is only incision and surgery-related pain, NOTHING like the excruciating pain I was experiencing before. Not only am I not feeling the pain I was feeling almost constantly before, but I'm feeling feeling feeling the absence of the pain, which lemme tell ya is a beautiful place to be!!
I had to get up and walk the evening of my surgery. I had no problem with this. I walked with my nurse's aide to the end of the hallway and asked her to take this silly picture of me, the theme that day for the ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH photo challenge was:
DANCE
I felt amazingly good and have since.
Below is me when I got home. I went in the hospital Tuesday, had surgery Thursday afternoon, came home Friday morning.
Everyone who has seen or talked with me has noticed the difference within me. I feel it. It is amazing the differences find going through life in chronic, constant physical pain and then NOT in pain. I'm experiencing occasional twinges of pain from the surgery but it is NOTHING like before. And each morning I can feel my lungs able to breathe more deeply. I feel as though this surgery and really this whole experience over the past two months, including countless tests, two weeks in the hospital, an ambulance ride, overwhelming fear, relief, tons of tears, surgery and now recovery resulting in a reboot, if you will.
The day after I got home I had a manicure and it's my favorite I've ever had done. Even just comparing the pic of me exactly one week earlier after my manicure shows a big difference:
Last week.................and this week.......
Signing off this afternoon in my new healthy, gallbladder-free body, continuing to ponder and discover different and new aspects of this change and my experience.
Thank you all for your support while I've been going through all of this. It means so much to be so beautifully surrounded by such an overwhelmingly large amount of LOVE. I look forward to continuing to share my journey with y'all.
Also if you're one of my endosisters, or happen to suffer from another chronic condition or illness, please try, as a gift to yourself and your body, to give yourself these affirmations:
I DO NOT NEED TO FEEL THIS PAIN.
I DO NOT DESERVE TO FEEL THIS PAIN.
It might make all the difference for your as it has for me.
Sending big loves to everyone.
P.S.a big thank you to my mom who has been such a source of physical, practical and emotional support through all of this.
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