Twas the Night Before Lupron

Well, after several weeks of nearly indescribable suffering, tomorrow I'm going to to the injection center in Beverly Hills and will be having my first Lupron injection. I have gone back and forth about whether this is what I wanted to do or not. I surprised even myself by coming to this decision, for several reasons this is what I decided. First, I've been absolutely miserable and feel like I MUST do something. Second, I absolutely trust, but not blindly, my doctor- he is a genuine, knowledgeable medical professional who actually WANTS me to feel better. Third, the surgery that has been described to me is a little on the hardcore side of things and would really rather have these injections be successful than go through another surgery and recovery. Fourth, this return of endo is truly and deeply impacting my work, and that is just unbearable.

As I prepare for my appointment, I'm feeling a wide array of emotions: hope, fear, nerves, unsure, worry, sense of desperation, shame, frustration, anger, sadness, shock. I'm incredibly hopeful that these injections both improve my current condition and don't overwhelm me with unpleasant side effects. I'm afraid that the exact opposite will happen. I'm nervous about the injections themselves, I believe they were painful and burned. I'm unsure of the outcome of these injections and I'm unsure of how I can handle (physically and emotionally) an unsuccessful round of this therapy. I'm worried about how this condition will effect my life and quality of it as it continues to attack my body. With the growing symptoms and increasing nausea, pain and bleeding, I NEED this to work-- I just turned 30 this past summer and I've already had to undergo a total hysterectomy due to endometriosis. I desperately WANT/NEED these injections to help. I feel such shame with this return, as if it is some type of punishment. (Part of the reason I'm blogging is to deal with the misplaced shame I feel). I am so frustrated with every aspect of this painful disease, further frustrated with the lack of public knowledge about this disease and the cultural insensitivity to something that so seriously affects so many women-- women who should be able to be living the prime of their lives. I'm flat out angry that I have to deal with this AGAIN!!! I don't think it's fair, yes I know, life isn't fair...doesn't change my feelings though. I am sad for myself having to deal with this, and even more sad to know that millions of other beautiful women are suffering just as I am. Interestingly after several weeks of suffering very obvious and troublesome symptoms I'm still somewhat in shock that this has even returned. After having a total hysterectomy, I let myself, no matter how naively, believe it was impossible to return.

The image below isn't mine, I didn't design it, I don't intend to take credit for it or for the design, concept, etc, however I saw it on Google images and find it is so incredibly perfect to describe my sentiments toward endometriosis:

My New Year's resolution and mantra from Winter Solstice is BRAVE HEALING. So I'm going to try to walk through the emotions I listed above and put all my energy and intention into my injection tomorrow being the beginning of my BRAVE HEALING.

 Sending big, healing hugs and loves to all of my endosisters out there. Remember, as much as this disease sucks, and boy does it, we do not walk alone, especially when we share our experiences. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. If you have endo yourself I hope you found some comfort here. If you do not have endo, I hope you learned a little more about the ways that endo affects women's lives.

Namasté and loves to all.