I'm no math pro, but I strongly believe: Katie + Me = Pompeii

Well this week has been difficult in terms of endometriosis: bleeding, vomiting, nausea, bloating, nausea, exhaustion, etc-- however, my menopause experience hasn't been that bad this week. (Definitely feeling grateful for that!!)

One symptom that has really brought me to my emotional knees has been, yet again, my pregnant looking bloating, which I've named Katie. Not a day goes by that at least one individual will not ask, touch it or offer congratulations. Everyday I do a lot of mental work to get up and out into the world, that question always knocks me sideways and can be hard to recover from. It isn't even the comment or gesture itself that is the problem, or rather the trigger-- it's the emotions that it brings up related to my having had to undergo a hysterectomy at such a young age, thus losing my child bearing ability, though it wasn't likely a possibility physically anyhow with my condition as it was pre-hysterectomy.

Now, having said that, I do not at all regret my surgery and do not even want to have children now-- however that doesn't wipe out the emotions that accompany these decisions and procedures. I do wish that, even if I still had endo to the same extent, that out could be more hidden within my body and I could be more successful at getting on with my day and my work without constant reminders of this painful issue going on in my life.

What this has shown me is that I'm nowhere near done processing, or grieving even, my previous surgeries and difficult medical decisions that had such life-changing results.

It is something that I believe will take some time and hard, hard work, but for some reason tonight I feel a renewed sense of perseverance.

Tonight, for the first time in a long time I actually feel like, NO, tonight I KNOW I can do this. I HAVE to and I will. A dear friend tonight told me I'm a W A R R I O R, and for some rain tonight is the night I almost trying, deeply believe it...it feels good.

+

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There is a song by the group Bastille which I am currently in LOVE with and out absolutely screams to me my experience and current battle with endometriosis. 

Following are some of my favorite lyrics

 (not necessarily in the correct order):

How am I going to be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

And the walls kept running down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

I'm not even sure I can yet put into words the connection, but it is something I feel deeply within myself. It feels like such a comfortable and significant release when I hear, and sing loudly along to, this song.

Hoping all of my endometriosisters experience some deep and heading relief and that those of you reading that do not have endo yourself, I hope you learn a little more about in what ways endometriosis affects the lives of women who are living with it.