The Bloat has Returned

I have so much to say tonight:

First, I saw my gynecologist this week and have received the unfortunate confirmation that the endometriosis has returned. The treatment that was proposed is even more unfortunate. I heard the dreaded word: LUPRON and my heart sank. Yikes I was on a Lupron regimen a few years ago and all it did was (after a short reprieve from my endo) add the incredibly uncomfortable issues that accompany menopause (hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, insatiable appetite, deepening of the voice, facial hair, the list goes on). I'm not entirely looking forward to this therapy to be completely honest, but because I've had a total hysterectomy (ovary sparing) the treatment options are limited. We will try a six month stint of the Lupron and if it doesn't work, we will approach ovary removal and surgery to either burn or scrape out my endometrial implants. I'm going to put all of my energy and focus on MAKING the Lupron work this time.

Then yesterday my bloating returned. . . I look about 7-8 months pregnant. In just one day I've had three people approach me and ask when I'm due-- which since I've had surgery to make fertility impossible can be painful for me. People mean well and truly wish me well in my pregnancy, but it is really difficult to go through daily. When I had this bloating years ago, my girlfriends and I named it Katie. In the past I have HATED this bloating, it's painful, embarrassing, inconvenient (clothes don't fit), expensive, shameful... My goal now, thanks to the support and suggestion of a very special friend, is to LOVE Katie, and my endometriosis to health... even though this disease does COMPLETELY SUCK (and trust me it does) -- it also offers an opportunity to grow and evolve both spiritually and emotionally.

I simply cannot believe that I'm in this place again. Deciding to have a hysterectomy wasn't an easy decision, but considering the pain and true agony I was in, it was the only option I saw fit for my survival... I think I used the benefit that I did enjoy for a year and a half of feeling so much better as a way to avoid grieving the loss resulting from the hysterectomy. The return of the symptoms has not only been a physical slap in the face with the myriad of painful, scary, and inconvenient symptoms, but also emotionally a completely unexpected grief-filled time filled with sadness, disappointment and wonderings.

Namasté. And I deeply thank you for taking the time to read my blog. My goal is two-fold:

For myself: to help process and express the emotions that go along with this process and to help rid myself of the useless shame I feel

For others: I'd really like to see a growing of public knowledge about how debilitating this disease is to girls and women across the world, and in some small way I feel like maybe my blog and and sharing my experience will help educate even one person just a little more on what this disease is

And tonight I find myself cuddled with my kitty cat, wearing my new pair of maternity leggings-- which are the best thing in the universe, by the way-- wrapped in a heating pad, covered in a bunch of cozy blankets, sending healing love to my dis-ease.

Sending LOVE to all of my endosisters out there.