I thoroughly enjoy the process writing my blog on a deep level; I have shared very intimate, personal aspects of the process I am going through with my experience of endometriosis, the losing of my fertility, the frustrations and flat out mistreatment I've received in medical settings. However, it has been eating at me that I haven't shared a very important aspect of my life experience which significantly impact both my physical and emotional repercussions of this disease. There will be more in depth posts about this aspect in the future but for now I am feeling that the just the "announcement" of this feels BIG enough:
I have sexual abuse in my background.
I strongly believe is related to my development of endometriosis, and to the severity of the disease I have. This relates to one of my last posts (This Woman's Work) about finally realizing that this disease and my suffering is not my fault - but this is the aspect that was missing in my explanation of that epiphany of coming to that conclusion. I (as many, if not all) sexual abuse SURVIVORS blamed myself. I also blame my endometriosis on my sexual abuse. Therefore, the endometriosis must've also been my fault. I hope that in my sharing of my process of healing this experience and the resulting emotional impact it has had on my life and thus far lack of recovery in terms of endometriosis, I can help other girls maybe lessen some of the painful self-blame, hatred and shame that I've gone through...
that would truly make this all worthwhile.
that would truly make this all worthwhile.
IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
It has taken me years to get to the point to say that, much less believe, it, so I hope this helps anyone out there struggling with similar issues.
I found some amazing abuse-related affirmations, and if you'd like you read them then you just have to simply click here.
One of my all time favorite songs is Pompeii, originally by Bastillle, and though I love love love the original version I also love this cover by Jasmine Thompson which can be found on Youtube by clicking here and the original version can be found by clicking here (I'm super excited as I just discovered this acoustic version and am now listening to it on repeat!!!) This song just speaks to me on so many levels and it resonates deep in my soul, and better yet, I like the sound of it too!! Best combo in music!
 |
| Bastille |
 |
| Jasmine Thompson |
Here are the lyrics to this amazing piece:
I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settles around us
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Rain clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Rain clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
This song and the lyrics reflect so many things in my life, especially with particular things going on at present and of course those also of the past. It also takes me back, symbolically of course, to Pompeii. I am fortunate enough to have been there twice and love the history. I love love love history and Pompeii is so massive in its destruction, but beautiful still today-- there is also a kind of stillness there that i have yet to experience very many other places. I have found that same kind of stillness at a concentration camp I visited a few summers ago while in Germany; also I can say I've experienced this silence and stillness at deaths I've either witnessed or discovered
(in my work, geriatrics being my speciality, it isn't really that surprising that I have so much experience with death). That truly indescribably deep sense of silence is also felt when I reflect on the abuse I endured and I remember feeling that sense of quiet while it was happening those so many years ago.
The destruction that took place on my birthday, of course speaking back again about Pompeii. so many years ago (that fact is not ever really lost on me!) is so unimaginable; yet it is quite similar to the destruction that sexual abuse endometriosis have caused not only within my physical body but also in every facet of my life. It has not caused my death, but it has taken so much from my life and made my mere existence so excruciating
(physically and emotionally) that several times I have come close
to ending my own life as a result. There are some researchers our there there refer to abuse, specifically sexual abuse as "soul murder" which I understand on the deepest level, much more than I wish I did- that's for sure!
Surgery is just a few days: and yesterday I had an amazing experience that I think is the first step of healing in regards to this surgery! A few weeks ago I found a pack of temporary tattoos that have affirmations on them, like 'glowing goddess', 'I love you', 'expecting a miracle'; I decided to get the pregnancy pack and have been putting one or two on a week with my dear friend Jamie. Yesterday we laid out in the glorious So. Cal springtime sunshine and I brought Katie (for those of you who don't know, I've named my endo bloat Katie) out into the sunshine. My shame of her is dissipating. It has taken years and years, but I've gotten to the point where I don't blame myself for all of this which has also lessened my shame directed toward my bloat! Very exciting. So yesterday afternoon I chose two tattoos for Katie, I chose one that says I LOVE MY BELLY and another is a foil temporary tattoo that is an Egyptian goddess spreading her powerful, strong wings.
 |
Unfortunately the foil one is hard to photograph
and capture the awesome detail.
But I just love how powerful, strong,
protective this feels and
I think putting her on Katie is just perfect.
|
 |
I'm not sure I can even put into words the significance of finally being able
to put this message on my endobelly.
And yes the redness on my stomach is burns from my
heating pads, my pelvisis completely covered in burns from them!
|
My wish for those reading my blog are multifaceted:
ॐIf you are reading and do not suffer or have any loved ones suffering from endometriosis, first kudos for reading, and second thank you for taking the time. I hope you learn something here.
ॐIf you love or are close with someone with this awful, overwhelming, life-changing disease I hope you can maybe understand their/our
experience a bit more.
ॐIf you have endometriosis yourself I hope you realize you are not alone in this and know that I am here if you need any extra support; please feel free to reach out, and knowthere is absolutely
NO judgement here.
I've decided to end with one or two inspirational quote images, I've made both of thee and they speak deeply to me as I write this post and as the
surgery date approaches faster and faster!
Ok, ok, one more picture. I have this book by Gabby Bernstein and found the exact meditation/affirmation I needed and want to end with this for tonight.
With big love and peace to all of you,
I sign off for the night
ॐStephanie
No comments:
Post a Comment