This Woman's Work

After an intense, intimate, intriguing dialogue with an amazing woman yesterday afternoon I've decided my blog is going to take a slightly different tone. I will continue documenting and sharing my journey to healing in regards to endometriosis; however I will be adding an even more intimate, personal aspect, the journey of my inner healing, reclaiming my lost 
(hopefully temporarily lost) feminine power, or just as important 
-- maybe even more so-- any joy in being a woman.

I thought I'd star this post with my current theme song for the process I'm working through right now.  It is by one of my favorite singers, 
Jasmine Thompson, called Drop Your Guard.
 By clicking here you can watch the video to this song.

Here are the lyrics:

Still waters run deep
Why do you always hide from me
How do you keep
all your troubles underneath

This Joan of Arc quote has become a mantra of mine
to keep myself fighting this battle known as
ENDOMETRIOSIS

 
Emotion is a wild thing
I'm trying not to feel it
We get on
yeah somehow we get by
We're alright cos

Love runs deep
Deeper than the darkest sea
So drop your guard
Why do you have to be so hard

Those paper dolls
Hold each other by the hand
One cut and they break
I'm trying to make you understand
Emotion is a wild thing
Together we can tame it
Look again
Don't you realize
It's in my eyes

Love runs deep
Deeper than the darkest sea
So drop your guard
Why do you have to be so hard

I wasn't asking you to open up
to open up
It's not my business anyway
It's just that when you're hurting
It's like I'm always searching
for the right words to say
We have an unspoken rule
that you're always so cruel
Maybe I'm wrong to believe
but in my dreams

Our love runs deep
deeper than the darkest sea
So drop your guard
Why do you have to be so hard
Our love runs deep
Deeper than the darkest sea
So drop your guard
Why do you have to be so hard

I feel like this song is the perfect accompaniment for this journey on which I am beginning: I am referring to dropping my guard within and to myself. I want to fully trust, listen to and further discover my very essence. I never would have thought that this amazingly beautiful, sacred process would have been initiated because of such an overwhelming, ugly, painful, insidious, wretched disease.  I was motivated yesterday by a special friend and feel like this is part of my life's purpose: to share my experience, to help shine a light on endometriosis and the true impact of this disease on women who have it.

The journey I've been on the last several years with my health condition and how that has significantly impacted and drastically changed my life in every area.  I used to view this disease as a punishment.  However, over the past week and a half I've had an experience (still getting ready to share that) and am working on a perspective shift. I do now KNOW that this disease is not my fault, but I've decided: I'm making a conscious decision to use this otherwise very painful, difficult, at times gut wrenching experience, the pain, the losses and suffering, everything about it, as a springboard.  
That is not to say this is an easy journey by any means; 
it is still painful, scary, sad, overwhelming, confusing. 

This disease has changed my life in ways that I cannot even put to words yet and probably will continue to impact my life for years to come; but by taking my self-assigned guilt or punishment aspect out of it, has lightened the weight of this experience in an incredible way.  In addition to that I believe that this perspective shift has made TRUE healing possible. For as long as I believe the disease is my fault no matter how many surgeries, medications, treatments I would try I would never fully be healed, for I believed it was my fault, what I deserved. However, since that is now shifting I can say with confidence that I KNOW this upcoming surgery is going to be just what I need. 

I am going to continue using this blog writing as a tool to sort this out, hopefully at the same time being able to offer comfort, support to my endo sisters out there, and to remind you that you are not alone.

I've collected a group of affirmations that help us to affirm a positive mindset, a loving way to look at, talk to and treat ourselves:

I painted this a few years ago with the support and
guidance of a very special, powerful goddess friend.
I find it perfect for what I'm going through now.

 My body is the temple of the Goddess. I am perfect. I am divine.

 I am balanced in my creative flow.

 I have the capacity to take in the fullness of life. I lovingly live life to the full.

 I freely and easily release the old and joyously welcome the new.

 I am in control of my life. I am a powerful and dynamic women and my body works perfectly. I love myself.

  

 I accept my female power. I accept all my bodily processes as a natural part of life. I love and approve of myself.

 I am balanced and peaceful in all 
changes of cycles and know that 
I am loved.

I also found some great affirmations that are specifically focused on endometriosis surgery, they can be found by clicking here. 

1. I am healing faster and faster every second that goes by.  

2. My body is very efficient in healing itself.  

3. The endometriosis surgery was successful with no side effects. 

4. I feel better and better because my body is healing fast.  

5. I take good care of my body and my body responds with speeding recovery.  

6. My reproductive organs are healthy and endometriosis free.  

7. The endometrial implants were all successfully removed.  

8. There is healing and wholeness within my body.  

9. Every cell in my body carries a healthy frequency.  

10. I no longer suffer from endometriosis.  

11. I willingly release the energy blocks that prevent my body from healing.  

12. My angels bring healing golden and white light to my reproductive organs.  

13. My guardian angels protect me. I am safe and I am well.  

14. My body inner healing capacity are free to create magic within my body.  

15. I release all the mental and emotional blocks that prevent me from fully enjoy my body and my life.  

16. I am healed in body, mind and spirit.  

17. The endometrial implants are breaking down and leaving my body.  

18. No endometriosis is present within my body.  

19. I am free and I am whole.  

20. I am new, starting from today.

I feel renewed emotionally at this point and I feel as long as I keep working on myself, and my pain gets resolved with this upcoming surgery I feel assured that I will again find my center.  I love the photo above because I remember that exact moment of time.  I was feeling centered, emotionally and physically, and it was after a surgery I had last year. I was full of hope, relief and vigor for being able to get back to my life and get off the couch. I long for those feelings again and I feel like now they are not only greatly possible, but within reach.

I would like to keep with my new tradition in writing my blog posts of ending with a healing prayer.  This is by the one and only, incredible Louise Hay:

I Love Myself 

   Deep at the centre of my being, there is an infinite well of love.  

I now allow this love to flow to the surface. 

It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. 

The more love I use and give, the more I have to give. 

The supply is endless. 

The use of love makes me feel good, it is an expression of my inner joy.   

I love myself; therefore, I take loving care of my body. 

I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages, I lovingly groom it and dress it, and my body lovingly responds to 

me with vibrant health and energy.  

I love myself; therefore provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. 

I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included,  will feel this love and be nourished by it. 

 I love myself; therefore I work at a job I truly enjoy doing, 

one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people I love and who love me, and earning a good income.  

I love myself; therefore, I behave and think in a loving way to all people for I know that that which I give out returns to me multiplied. 

I only attract loving people in my world, for they are a mirror of what I am.  

I love myself; therefore I forgive and totally release the past and all past experiences and I am free.  

I love myself; therefore I live totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure, for I am a beloved child of the Universe and the Universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more.  

And so it is.

I got this shot of beautiful lotus blossoms a few weeks
ago while out at the Getty Villa in Malibu.
The perfect symbol for what I'm going through
and for the message I'm trying to express.

This is another painting I did a few years ago while
my dad was ill and in the hospital.

In the next few days I should be posting about the most incredible experiences I've had within the past few weeks. I look forward to sharing them but am trying to get the description just right.

In peace and love,

Stephanie