dəˈpre,SH(ə)n & endōˌmētrēˈō,sis

In a recent post called [moh-men-tuh m] I shared about my current experience with depression, and I felt like expanding on that topic tonight. Over the past

This is me at the beach a few months ago; I was
quite pensive at this moment while experiencing
the beginning of the current relapse

two days I've been experiencing a very severe pain flare which has coincidentally (please read that with a tad bit of sarcasm lol) increased the depression I've been feeling. And since both endometriosis and depression seem to still be somewhat taboo topics to discuss, I've decided to open my big mouth to share about my experience.

At present my physical pain is easily at an 8 out of 10, and that is while on all of my pain medications, slathered in essential oils, luckily I have been blessed with countless kitty cuddles, some self-Reiki, heating pad and using my crystals.  I would say that my depression today is ranking at a similar level of severity. I think that both the endometriosis and depression feed off of and impact each other- the more pain I am in physically, the less good I feel emotionally. This seems so logical, right?! But at the same time as logical it seems, is as crappy as it seems to me. As if 'just' one of these issues were not enough then having both is definitely too much.

I thought I should start with a basic definition and description of depression for tonight's blog and have found this information on the site of NIMH (National Instute of Mental Health):

What Is Depression?

Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad. But these feelings are usually short-lived and pass within a couple of days. When you have depression, it interferes with daily life and causes pain for both you and those who care about you. Depression is a common but serious illness.

Many people with a depressive illness never seek treatment. But the majority, even those with the most severe depression, can get better with treatment. Medications, psychotherapies, and other methods can effectively treat people with depression.

There are several forms of depressive disorders.

Major depression,—severe symptoms that interfere with your ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy life. An episode can occur only once in a person’s lifetime, but more often, a person has several episodes.

Persistent depressive disorder—depressed mood that lasts for at least 2 years. A person diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder may have episodes of major depression along with periods of less severe symptoms, but symptoms must last for 2 years.

Some forms of depression are slightly different, or they may develop under unique circumstances. They include:

• Psychotic depression, which occurs when a person has severe depression plus some form of psychosis, such as having disturbing false beliefs or a break with reality (delusions), or hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations).
• Postpartum depression, which is much more serious than the "baby blues" that many women experience after giving birth, when hormonal and physical changes and the new responsibility of caring for a newborn can be overwhelming. It is estimated that 10 to 15 percent of women experience postpartum depression after giving birth.
• Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which is characterized by the onset of depression during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. The depression generally lifts during spring and summer. SAD may be effectively treated with light therapy, but nearly half of those with SAD do not get better with light therapy alone. Antidepressant medication and psychotherapy can reduce SAD symptoms, either alone or in combination with light therapy.

Bipolar disorder, also called manic-depressive illness, is not as common as major depression or persistent depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling mood changes—from extreme highs (e.g., mania) to extreme lows (e.g., depression).

From WebMD I've taken the symptoms of depression:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

 Unfortunately I would argue that each of these symptoms are also commonplace among the women who have endometriosis; I know I can say so for myself. I've also taken the symptoms of endometriosis from WebMD (while this isn't the most descriptive or inclusive list of endo symptoms it does what I need, which is just to make a point):

Some women with endometriosis don't have symptoms. Other women have symptoms that range from mild to severe. Symptoms may include:

• Pain, which can be:
  • Pelvic pain.
  • Severe menstrual cramps.
  • Low backache 1 or 2 days before the start of the menstrual period (or earlier).
  • Pain during sexual intercourse.
  • Rectal pain.
  • Pain during bowel movements.
• Infertility may be the only sign that you have endometriosis. Between 20% and 40% of women who are infertile have endometriosis.
• Abnormal bleeding. This can include:
  • Blood in the urine or stool.
  • Some vaginal bleeding before the start of the menstrual period.

Symptoms are often most severe just before and during your menstrual period. They get better as your period is ending. Some women, especially teens, have pain all the time.

When seeing each of the above endometriosis symptoms it is no wonder that women with endo could, and likely do experience bouts of depression. Endo can impact, if not completely invade and take over almost every aspect of our lives... Actually I'm struggling to think of an aspect of my life that has not been impacted by this disease and I'm truly struggling to do so. When I saw a doctor a few months ago (a substitute for my PCP since she was on maternity leave) for my pre-op appointment and when we went over my medication list (which unfortunately is never short anymore) he was shocked to see I was not on any type of depression medication. At first I was surprised at his reaction, but the more I think about it, especially now, I completely understand and it totally makes sense. How could someone be in chronic and constant severe, if not excruciating, pain NOT be depressed?! Ever since then I've been wondering the same thing. 

If you've read my prior post you know that I recently was hospitalized due to depression. It is not that I actively want to take action to end my life; it is more of a serious exhaustion, a loss of motivation/momentum and a fear of never-ending of these seriously debilitating symptoms in regards to endometriosis. I am tired of this being my life: my life being spent in bed, on the couch, or worse yet, on the bathroom floor. So it isn't quite accurate to say I'm suicidal necessarily; however, I am seriously tired and tired on another level, my body and soul are tired. I think there's a saying that works to describe how I feel: I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. That pretty much sums it up in one sentence.

I have a feeling that this is going to be an ongoing topic to explore as I'm unable to experience one without the other, with the major impacts this disease keeps having in my life. This disease has truly impacted all significant areas of my life (professional,  romantic, social, personal) and in major ways (losing jobs and friends, missing out on the romantic part of my life for some time now, being in serious pain everyday for several months). Now I am trying to pick myself back up and get back to living.  It is exhausting but I'm going to continue doing my best to keep on keepin' on. 

Signing off in reluctant and tired, yet somewhat unrelenting, 

yet dwindling, hope, 

Stephanie