nothing more, part one

*Yes, I am posting this a day late; I am absolutely exhausted from being in the hospital for 3 days and being on non-stop narcotic medications, I want to give this the once over before publishing so unfortunately I will not be able to get this finished until tomorrow morning.

Well, I can hardly believe that today has come: 

the 3 year anniversary of having my hysterectomy

As most of my readers are aware I'm also working on a book about all of this and I have an entire chapter (though to be honest it could be a BOOK in itself!) about my hysterectomy and I thought I'd share a blurb from my book today- seems appropriate:

I felt such peace the morning after
my surgery I felt like a
BRAND NEW WOMAN

After finally having a diagnosis of endometriosis and struggling with numerous medications and countless doctors, I was at the end of my rapidly fraying rope. I was not nearly as educated about my condition as I am now, unfortunately. I was fed up. I had missed far too many work days, classes in my graduate work, social activities, any hope for a romantic life; I had missed my life. I became hellbent on having a hysterectomy assuming that it would “cure” my body of this god awful ailment. I had never in my life been even the slightest bit inclined to have children. Never. I had never had the maternal instinct pull at my heart. Children are precious, but they are not for me. Nevertheless to come to a decision in your twenties that takes away that possibility forever is highly emotional and not easy. The fact that my symptoms seemed to be only increasing in severity, day after day, is the only thing that made this decision possible. However, finding a doctor that would perform a hysterectomy on me at that age was easier said than done. 

Fertility seems to be where the control over our bodies as women ends. I don’t intend on getting political here, however . . . I was suffering greatly from a physical condition and I was not ALLOWED to make a decision that I believed was in my best interest. Each doctor I approached about a hysterectomy would say they were not going to do that because they just “knew” I would change my mind and want children later. How dare all of these doctors tell ME that I will want to have children, all the while making ME suffer because of it. It made and still makes, no sense to me at all to suffer immensely and seemingly indefinitely because I may or may not change my mind later regarding having children-- or more accurately because these self-serving doctors forced their sense of right on my life and even IN my body. I even had a doctor, a female at that, tell me that I shouldn’t get my hopes up of EVER feeling better; she told me that I would NEVER feel better than I felt at that time. That really sent me on a tailspin. 

I was physically miserable and going through so much that it was really taking a steep, steep toll on my emotions. I contemplated suicide several times throughout these years of suffering, but more often I just had wishes of not going on if this is what life was going to consist of for me: I no longer wanted to be the girl who missed work all the time, the girl who could never be counted on for anything because she was unsure how she would feel, the girl who had to pull over a dozen times on her work commute to throw up on the side of the highway, the girl who bled more days than she didn’t, the girl who was nearly permanently nauseated, the girl who rarely could get out of the fetal position and when she was able she had to have massive narcotics flowing through her system, the girl who looked nine months pregnant all the while suffering from a disease that would likely make conception difficult if not impossible; I no longer wanted to be A girl.

I did a lot of emotional and spiritual work with amazing teachers and counselors in my life to prepare for the hysterectomy and I truly believe I went in in the best possible mental and emotional state. I believe that when I was as prepared as possible, the correct doctor came into my life. I will forever remember the doctor that LISTENED to me, had empathy and promised that if I tried one medication that he thought might help and did not experience the desired intended effects and relief, he would do a hysterectomy. I was on cloud nine. I yet again had hope that I could recover and have a chance at finally having a life. 

The medication did not have the desired effect on my symptoms and no relief was experienced and a hysterectomy was scheduled. I was not working at the time (I had lost my job due to endo-related absences) so it was the perfect time for me to have this major (both physically and emotionally) surgery without pressure of having to return to work by a particular time — I could heal at my own pace. And even more magical about the timing of this surgery was the fact that I “happened” to be taking part in series of spiritual growth classes called Awakening the Divine Feminine. So while I was going to be undergoing the most radical and life-changing experience I was surrounded by the most wise, safe, all-encompassing, divine group of women. Further, it was great to be involved in and surrounded by such deep, deep dialogue about femininity and what that means while I was having a majority of my female reproductive organs removed due to a gynecological disease. I felt completely loved, supported, held and protect by this group at the treacherous yet exciting time. The energy of the divine feminine sourcing from this group of amazingly beautiful and strong women, I believe, is what carried me so gracefully and securely through my healing process.

I had my hysterectomy performed on June 12, 2012 and I stayed over night in the hospital (up until that point it was the first time I had been overnight in the hospital). When I opened my eyes after surgery, I saw a framed photo on the wall of a woman holding and lovingly admiring a newborn baby held in the crook of her arm. I couldn’t believe it. I began hysterically screaming and crying. Why in the world was a hysterectomy patient (and a 28- year old one at that?!) recovering with a newborn/mommy picture directly across the room from the bed?! This upset me on many levels. I had to spend my recovery in the Maternity/Labor & Delivery Unit, which I understand, but this particular choice or artwork, I do not understand at ALL. I complained not only at the time, I complained on my survey that I received a few weeks following my operation wanting feedback on my experience in the hospital. I wrote my strong feelings out and was later contacted by the Director of the Women’s Health Unit at the hospital and I shared these points with her:

If someone just had a baby and something went wrong the last thing they would want to look at is a healthy mommy and baby photo hanging on the wall. 
If someone had a hysterectomy the last thing they would want to look at is a healthy mommy and baby photo hanging on the wall. (And I never even wanted children and I was shaken to my very core- I cannot imagine how devastating such a careless oversight could be to someone who had dreams of being able to have children but would no longer be able)
If someone had a baby and everything went fine, with mommy and baby, they don’t need to have a healthy mommy and baby photo hanging on the wall— they have their own baby to ooh and awe at.

I was so upset waking up in this situation, crying so hard and so loudly that my roommate requested to be moved, I cannot blame her—I was a complete basket case. 

Interestingly at the exact moment I was having these emotional and mentally stressed (significantly so) responses I was also experiencing such a strong sense of physical relief. It was a strange sensation, it almost felt as though my pelvis had been emptied, I could feel, literal and tangible, empty space. Further I felt as though I had lost a significant sense of heaviness that I used to feel throughout my pelvic area— it felt free. This relief was so strong that I could feel the relief through the pain and the pain medications and the post-anesthetic grogginess. 

I made a quick recovery, in all ways: emotionally, mentally, spiritually — because my physical recovery was so deep and felt so very real-- I truly felt this was my miracle. Everyone in my life could visibly see and also feel the difference immediately after my surgery. I felt like my whole community of supporters and loved ones in my life were able to take a collective sigh of relief, like, ah our girl is gonna be alright. 

So, I find myself, on this the evening of the 3rd year anniversary of my hysterectomy, writing this in a hospital room of the very hospital in which I had my hysterectomy- recovering (rather trying to recover might be most accurate) from a very strange and overwhelming (potential) complication in the recovery from my 5th endometriosis surgery. The healing miracle I so desperately hoped for and need so many years ago that I truly believed would be found in the hysterectomy has remained nowhere to be found. The miracle I've wished for in each surgery has sadly diminished to a few months-long reprieve from symptoms but nothing long-lasting- this is what has followed each surgery/treatment I've undergone for endometriosis.  

It is too early to say what the results from this most recent surgery will be but I sure am hopeful that the relief I find will last longer than a few months. A few months is simply no longer acceptable. I have been very lucky with each great, pain-free (or at least less painful) day I've had through this hellish trek my body and I have been on following my first excision surgery (June 17, 2014--another brief reprieve followed by the ominous and long-lasting let down); however, I have lost the incredible gift of MOMENTUM. What is life without momentum?  How can you begin a career, and build your professional reputation, no matter how incredible you are at your work and how skilled you are, without reliability and the unpredictability of the disease resulting in numerous and mostly unplanned absences. It does not matter how incredibly amazing you are with your job if you aren't able to get out of bed and go- your career will not survive. Unfortunately I know this first hand, as I've lost a job due to my absences. The loss of momentum that accompanies endometriosis is truly a devastating aspect of this disease; and because this disease attacks us women at the exact time when we should be designing, building and truly gaining our lives' momentum (and this is referring to momentum in all areas in our life -- professional, romantic, social, spiritual, etc).

I feel like our teen years should be a time of self and world exploration, a time when our ideals are discovered, played with, tested, believed in; a time when we begin to truly develop a relationship with our bodies and ourselves; a time when we begin discovering what our dreams are for our life and the many aspects of it; it is also the time we begin taking the steps and doing the work necessary to get where we want and make those dreams come true. When you have a disease such as endometriosis a great majority of this time that should be used for these other vital developmental stepping stones is instead spent curled up in the fetal position experiencing terrifying, overwhelming pain, crying because you don't know what to do, and missing school, canceling plans with friends-- ultimately resulting in feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, hopelessness and despair.

Our 20s build on the momentum gained in and continuing from our teen years. We begin, or continue, with our destination in mind. Even if our dreams or plans came, and they frequently do, it is ok because we already have the momentum simply of "going." Our networks become even more important (which is hard to believe when we're younger lol) as our professional and maybe romantic aspects of our lives begin, or continue, to blossom and develop.  Our networks and connections can help us in countless ways- especially in this special young age as we are just starting and having connections to count on can help in countless ways as we forge our way forward, as we continue to maintain and hopefully we begin to not only sustain but increase our life's momentum.


Being in the hospital and being in such intense pain resulted in deep, very deep boredom, which led me to doing a ridiculous little photoshoot with a girlfriend who came to visit. I absolutely love editing pictures on my phone and I think some of these really came out beautifully, and they leave me with a feeling of peace and relaxation which is not how I have been feeling the past three days being in the hospital experiencing truly grueling pain- relaxation seems to be the furthest from the truth of how it is to stay in the hospital.

The song that I feel for tonight's entry I feel is called Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift, I really enjoy the cover version by Savannah Berry; if you'd like to watch the video please click here.

Here are the lyrics to this song:

       I could lift you up

I could show you what you wanna see

And take you where you wanna be

You could be my luck

Even if the sky is falling down

 I know that we'll be safe and sound

We're safe and sound!

I could fill your cup

 You know my river won't evaporate

This world will still appreciate

You could be my luck

Even in a hurricane of frowns

I know that we'll be safe and sound!

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

(Hold your ground)

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

I could show you love

In a tidal wave of mystery

You'll still be standing next to me

You could be my luck

Even if we're six feet underground

I know that we'll be safe and sound

We're safe and sound!

Safe and sound

Safe and sound

Hold your ground

Safe and sound

I could lift you up

I could show you what you wanna see

And take you where you wanna be

You could be my luck

Even if the sky is falling down

I know that we'll be safe and sound!

I could lift you up

I could show you what you wanna see

And take you where you wanna be

You could be my luck

Even if the sky is falling down

I know that we'll be safe and sound!

We're safe and sound

We're safe and sound

We're safe and sound

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

(Hold your ground)

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

This song sounds to me almost like a lullaby and with everything I have going on right now I desperately need that soft, protective, loving energy and I completely feel enveloped in it when I listen to this song.  I listened to it on repeat while writing this entire post

This is a big emotional post, and process I am in so I have decided to stop writing for tonight and will further explore these issues likely tonight during my painsomnia and tomorrow. 

Wishing love and healing hugs to my readers, especially those of you suffering from endometriosis. Please remember we are not alone in this battle, though it feels solitary most of the time, so please reach out should you need any support or simply a connection.

namaste ॐ