Well over the past few months, though it feels like months and months and months, I've been trying and trying, so hard to conquer ENDOMETRIOSIS, again. It is a disease that really wreaks havoc in the lives of those afflicted in every aspect of their lives:
physically, spiritually, emotionally,
mentally, professionally, socially
- truly in every aspect.
I have found through this bout with endo, more than my experiences before, that it does in fact give us a gift, an opportunity:
to work VERY hard with a lot of work to interact with the endo on an emotional and spiritual level, which I would suspect is different for each girl but, that is an opportunity for a major
heart and soul blossoming that might
not be possible otherwise.
I have done a lot of hard inner work over these past few physically hellish weeks and have begun to reap the benefits, the work will continue and thus will the benefits--
I do not know this for sure,
but I'm CHOOSING to believe it,
to believe IN it, IN me.
This most recent bout of endometriosis truly, literally popped out of nowhere. I was looking my normal weight one Friday at work, then went home and found myself like this:
These pictures continue to shock me. It was so incredibly physically uncomfortable to be so bloated, it was uncomfortable in more ways than that. It was also difficult to deal with having a physical condition that has resulted in my having to have a hysterectomy
(hello infertility at 28!) and then being so bloated in my belly that I truly looked nothing but massively pregnant. I was never someone who wanted to have kids, EVER, but making that permanent decision and having that done this early in my life was still a big decision to make-- yet the only one I saw if my life were to continue. On a nearly daily basis, while in physical agony, having to deal with massive emotions resulting in being asked if I was pregnant, offered congratulations, or even having my belly touched by strangers in excitement of my apparently obvious pregnancy. Being so emotionally upset, I believe, also helped the belly, named Katie, grow more, thus a vicious cycle was born. Following are just a few pictures of this serious bloating, I think the assumption of my being pregnant is completely understandable (which doesn't really make it any easier to deal with) in these pictures.
Pretty incredible, RIGHT?!
These last two were just four weeks ago!!
Today I went for a hike to what I'm now calling the Endo Cave with a great girlfriend. It truly felt like a rebirthing experience, and a rebirthing without Katie! It is such an overwhelming feeling to see my body now how it looks. It hits me very strongly and deeply,
and it is incredibly emotional.
Here is one of the pictures from today of Karines and me that I really like!
On our way to the Endo Cave I found the perfectly calm place to take a quick moment for myself, connecting deeply
with myself AND with my body.
Also found the perfect place to show my beautiful rescued pup, Dakota, her first waterfall. She really LOVED the hike. I fell in love with this pic of us together in this most beautiful, calming, sacred place
peacefully LOVING each other.
Then it was off to the Endo Cave!! I couldn't wait to go in - and this time to not have Katie, to not have to worry about fitting or getting stuck trying to go in or get out of the cave
This was my friend's first time in the cave. Since she's been with me during some of the hardest parts and times of my disease and offered nothing but support, she was the perfect friend to come to the cave without Katie! She understands my excitement about
that more than most!
In the midst of our exploring and messing around in the cave, taking tons of pictures, I HAD to find sometime for a serene moment for some meditation IN myself, IN endo. I felt something I cannot yet put to words physically happen and yet it did feel magical, I did, unfortunately return home with a pelvic crampage that I can't quite get to go away.
Coming out of the cave is not easy, even without the Katie bloat present... at least this time I didn't have to worry about getting stuck!
It does feel like a rebirthing of sorts and the fact that you come out into a waterfall makes it the perfect baptism:
starting over, strengthening of
my BRAVE healing for sure!
We both felt great coming out of the cave! I feel like we both have a glow in this pic that we took right after we got out of the cave.
I love this picture!
I love my relationship with Karines and am truly grateful to have her in my life. She is always there when you need a ride to the ER, or when you are going to a party when you know not one person, or when you need a roadtrip up the coast, or when you have to go to your dad's funeral, or when you need to move, or when you need endless help having a severely broken leg, the examples are countless... We have had so many super fun and absolutely ridiculous crazy times and I'm so glad I'm on this path of BRAVE healing so that we can continue having our awesome adventures together.
Love ya, Karines.
Today was absolutely the perfect hike and cave experience considering where I am in my BRAVE healing process. I'm grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way in such a wide variety of ways.
To all of my beautiful endometriosisters out there, I send you such big loves and healing hugs for the BRAVE journey you are also experiencing. I think if we share our experiences it is not only powerful for us, the ones experiencing it, but also for our friends, and even people we don't know.
To all of my readers that are not impacted directly by ENDOMETRIOSIS, it is from the bottom of my heart that I thank you for continuing to read my blog. This blog serves as SUCH an outlet for me and hopefully some type of education for you and helps you to understand, even if only a little bit, more about what women with ENDOMETRIOSIS go through with this disease.
Namasté, all.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. if you have a story, question, etc. feel free to share it here. I'd love to have this as a safe platform for both people who don't know about endo and those who have or have had it to share in an absolutely completely safe place.
I am in LOVE with the before picture and find it the perfect pic to use to end my blog tonight.
Love, love.
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