perfect. . . ish

This has been one hell of a week. Or I should say, on hell of a day, a 24-hour period. Hmmm how can one day be soooooo much?! Well, simply put: it can. I saw my surgeon yesterday and received a likely diagnosis which I am not ready to share but will say that it would COMPLETELY explain my symptoms as of late, and actually for the last several years.

Yesterday I had to go to see my surgeon, due to some severe symptoms I am still experiencing, which resulted, unfortunately in my least favorite kind of doctor appointment, a gyn exam. There is absolutely nothing comfortable about these appointments, physically, emotionally (when there is an issue going on anyhow) and logistically (specifically the paper sheet/outfit which I am donning in this photo).

While at the doctor's office at UCLA yesterday I had the beginning of a serious experience of emotions. I was terrified. There was a lot of tears involved. I then was lucky enough to see my primary care physician who cared enough to fit me in and get me seen. Finally I ended  my day with a therapy session with my most amazing therapist. I went swimming with my neighbors and great, long-time friends last night, had dinner with my mom, actually got some sleep. And today I had very special time with a most special friend and for the first time in years and only because of the loss of Katie (that is the nickname I gave to my endometriosis-related bloated belly) I am able to wear a SMALL-sized shirt, and it just so happens to have the most perfect (...ish) wordage on it!

About 5 and a half years I heard a single word that would change my life everyday forward and that word was ENDOMETRIOSIS

My life has changed and twisted and turned and ended and begun and flipped and flopped and so much over the past 5 years. And for some reason the words I heard yesterday while at the doctor, something I thought, cracked, and not in a good way. But as I reflect upon my last DAY I now realize that is absolutely NOT what happened. What did happen, happened deeply inside myself. What happened was a decision that I made and that I will continue to make everyday:

I made the decision to no longer stop living my life, but to start living my life differently. I have made the decision to no longer allow this disease ruin my life. Now that does not mean, unfortunately that I do not have to modify my life and even sometimes, my activities of daily living; however, I do not have become victim to 'it.'  Now unfortunately this is an EVERYDAY decision and somedays are definitely harder than others. Today because of the amazing support of an incredible friend I was able to more easily make the decision. 

The moral of my day has been I CAN DO THIS. And this is whatever it happens to be, sometimes, unfortunately it is just to breathe. Yes, I can take this breath. And I can likely take a few more after that. 

That does not take away from how hard those breaths can be, and boy can they be agonizing, but without trying to keep going I will never know when/if those breaths will get easier. Maybe my break is coming tomorrow? or the next day? 

The only thing I really know for sure is if I don't keep trying to keep going, then I won't get anywhere; however, if I do keep going I might, someday, somehow get somewhere. Right this second, likely as a result of the person I spent some time with today I find myself having hope. I may not have it tomorrow, hell I may not have in in just a few minutes or when I next get knocked down by a pain flare, but I can relish in this place of cautious hopefulness N O W. And I can relish being frequently surrounded by the best, cutest, most loving and intuitive kitties in the universe.

Signing off, finding myself painfully in peace,

Stephanie