Strong Inside. . . & Beautiful?!, Part One

A few years ago a very dear friend was sending me a text message, and my name 'Stephanie' kept coming up at Strong Inside which at the time i was dealing with my dad's demise and ultimate, somewhat unexpected death was just what I needed to hear. It was amazing and I think back on that message that ultimately I believe came from my dad. Lately with the recovery process I've been in I've felt I needed to draw more upon my inner strength which sometimes I doubt I even have.

One of the biggest aspects of my femininity that has been taken from me for far too long is beauty, both looking it but most importantly FEELING it. Kinda funny that my oopherectomy, which removed my final female reproductive organs has made me feel safer, more proud and almost ecstatic to explore, discover and play with my femininity, most specifically speaking: beauty.  The two contributing factors of my life that have led me to this place are endometriosis and sexual abuse.  I've decided to break it into two blogs, so tonight, in part one we will discuss endometriosis and the following blog will deal with the sexual abuse aspect of impacting beauty, femininity, etc.

A few years ago my friend and I discovered an amazing hiking trail up in the mountain so Ojai. (We used to hike on a weekly basis and once my health is back in order I hope to again). We found the most amazing trail that led to a 300foot waterfall! It was so incredible. We also, more incredibly, ran into a couple that taught us how to crawl up into and under the waterfall. We could feel the water rushing over and while taking pictures with the flash of our phone cameras we realized the caves looked JUST like ENDOMETRIOSIS. I had some very special and sacred meditations and realizations in those caves and I treasure those moments and memories. However special theses times, because of how severe my disease was at the time I felt almost at my ugliest. 

I find these caves amazing and once I'm fully healed I cannot wait to go back to these caves. I feel like I will need to do some type of special sage smudging, probably among other things there to just signify my separating myself from that part of my life, another sign that my true life might be getting ready to begin! Exciting (and kind of scary) thought.

This concept of beauty and femininity is yet another aspect of my life that endometriosis has taken from me.  When the endometriosis began (nearly 19 years ago) which is when I was 13 years old caused me to have even less respect for my body and femininity.  How did endometriosis impact my desire to look pretty or girly, you ask?  Well, actually in several ways. Most simply endometriosis takes an indescribable amount of energy with the severe pain, numerous medications, night after night of restless painsomnia, countless emotions which can be absolutely exhausting. With this exhaustion, I've not had the energy to spare on accentuating my femininity.  Endometriosis resulted in so many emotions, such as: sadness, confusion, worry, frustration, hopeless, scared, angry, etc.  Sometimes that anger had been turned inward on myself, anger towards myself for simply woman.  For yet again if I weren't a woman I wouldn't be suffering in this very painful, overwhelming way.  Further with the symptoms of somewhat frequent abdominal bloating, dark as coal under eye circles from frequently getting little to no sleep I felt it useless to even attempt to look any better than I did because I was beyond help so to speak. So celebrating or reveling in my being a woman with cosmetics or putting effort into my appearance has not my priority. 

I had experienced incredibly painful, if not excruciating, experiences connected to my being a woman. In regards to both the sexual abuse and the endometriosis, I blamed myself and my body. With that mindset the last thing I wanted to do was that was to enjoy, celebrate or emphasize my femininity. I simply didn't deserve to feel good, especially since I was to blame in the first place for the above issues. 

These bloat pictures in particular touch me because the one on the right was while I was getting ready for work, andthe other is when I got home: the difference of 3 hours!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE......................

Well today I am just a few days over a month from having  an oopherectomy and excision of endometriosis and adhesions. It has been one hell of a process I'll tell ya that. Sometimes I feel pretty darn good, lately I've been having some pain and other issues which hopefully will be rectified soon. 

After my surgery and Katie (for those of you that do not know the bloat I severe bloat I experienced I named Katie) moving out I had a photoshoot done with the daughter of a great friend of mine, I wanted to reconnect with, or maybe connect with for the first time, my femininity. I wanted to share some of the photos that were taken. I love them all so much which is something I never would have been able to say before so that must be some type of progress.

For nearly my whole life being a woman has resulted in indescribable pain; however following this most recent endometriosis surgery, these feelings of negativity I have held toward my own body and my femininity have begun to dissipate.  Not only that, those feelings have changed into feelings of almost freedom, a desire to explore my femininity, and expressions of it, and this really excites me. That is why the photoshoot was so significant to me, especially at this time.

My photographer was absolutely amazing and truly made me feel so very comfortable as I was incredibly nervous. I would highly recommend her and I look forward to working with her on my next project, whatever that may be ;)

 Then I have some photos of my own where I feel beautiful. It is a process to even be able to say that. It is exciting to wear dresses and not feel like I need to select clothes on what while hide things the best. I mean one day I went out and I cannot tell you how many compliments I had on my "outfit" and "style" which is something I've never been able to focus or put any energy towards before so it is truly a whole new world!

And another really exciting announcement:

I have started a video blog on YouTube, I even began a channel, called Brave Healing. It is meant to be an extension of my written blog. I thought I would not enjoy it and wasn't sure I could do it, but I DID and I LOVE IT. Below is my first video, my introduction to my disease and I will include the link to my channel which can be accessed by clicking here.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and to even now watch my video blog! I am SO dedicated to AWARENESS AWARENESS AWARENESS and to helping fellow endosisters truly know they are not alone and also to help others who do not have this disease to understand how this disease impacts our lives; I have yet to find an area that is NOT impacted by this disease!

WE NEED A CURE!!!!!

These final pictures are from the most recent Endo March up in Palo Alto I attended, I just love raising awareness.

I would like to end this post with an important meditation from Inner Wisdom: Meditations for the Heart and Soul by Louise Hay.

I heal myself on all levels

This is a time of compassion and a time if healing.  I go within and connect with that part of myself that knows how to heal.  It is possible.  I know that I am in the process of healing.  During this time,  I discover my healing abilities- abilities that are strong and powerful.  I am incredibly capable.  I am willing to go to a new level to truly heal myself on all possible levels.  I am spirit,  and being spirit,  I am free to help myself- and the world.