so...now what?!

This past week has been quite a tumultuous one...and an emotional one at that.

It has taken me several days to get my emotions under control enough that writing a post was even physiologically possible.

So, let's start at the beginning:

Last Saturday, a week from tomorrow, I had to get up early to work a health fair and to represent the organization for which I work. I woke up with a little more than moderate endo cramps. Noticed no difference in them, popped two of my pain meds and continued with getting ready to start my workday. Got to the office right on time, immediately began working on collecting all I needed to take with me. . .all the while feeling physically not that bad, my new norm.

Then came time to pack up my car. I locked up the office, and put my rolling cart into my car, no problems. Then the first inkling of not feeling well struck me. It began with just a feeling of being flushed. Felt like if I simply sat with the a/c running I'd feel better. Got in, turned the car and a/c on, blasted that cold air on my face. After only a few moments I knew something was about to happen. I got out of the car, took a few steps and fell to the ground with a deep, excruciating pain radiating from deep in the middle of my chest and back toward my right upper abdomen and continuing to my mid to upper back. I had sweat dripping all over my body, down my face, all over my chest and back. I was overcome by nausea, thought I was going to, and even tried to, puke a few times. I had no idea what to do. I was absolutely terrified as I could feel my heart beating throughout my whole body- felt it really strongly. I felt like I was having a heart attack. Luckily I had my cell phone in my pocket because at this point I was unable to move much, much less get up. 

Grabbed my phone and called a friend of mine who I knew lived close to where I was and who I trusted to help me. I was writhing around on the asphalt of the parking lot of my work. Within minutes she was there with me rubbing my back as we developed our plan of attack. I KNEW this was something serious that required emergency attention, but not necessarily a 911 situation. We decided she would drop me off at my house then drop off the materials to the booth I was supposed to be working and then come back, reassess and go from there.

The next two pictures are photos I took while I waited for her return. It was really the most painful experience I've had, not to mention scary. My cat totally knew it too- he immediately laid over my chest and began licking my face. He stayed with me until my friend returned. 

Here is my protective little nurse kitty, Tink.

 I love him so.

When she returned nothing had improved, though the chest pain had subsided, I was still writhing in physical pain, tears falling, in absolute misery. We decided to go to our local ER, though my medical group and doctors are about 30 miles from me. I couldn't imagine doing the drive in that state. I packed my softest blanket, changed into comfier clothes, grabbed a water, and we were on our way.

Below is right after they gave me my first morphine injection- which helped but didn't completely take away the pain- complete agony is the only way to describe how I felt.

And then began the tests: blood work, urinalysis and an ultrasound. The imaging showed some thickening of my gallbladder, liver. . .which they thought was caused by gallstones. I was then informed that I would need to be transferred to Cedars Sinai, the hospital where my doctors work. Not only that...but I had to be transferred via ambulance -yikes!! But the doctor insisted that ambulance transport was "medically necessary"... and again, we were off.

This first pic is me, not so patiently waiting for my 'rig'. Still in excruciating pain and nausea at this point and fearing surgery to deal with the gallstones I was led to believe I had.

Here I am all hooked up in the ambulance.

 And let me just say:

Nausea + Ambulance ride (backwards) = torture

And the view out the window on our way down. My ambulance drivers were awesome, that was a big plus. We listened to music pretty loud and really had some great conversation.

When I arrived to the hospital, my room was all prepared which meant no ER, no admitting, no waiting, AND my room had this awesome view!

Not only the nice view, but a nice flat screen tv with a variety of channels, and a bunch of free movies to watch and nice artwork. I was very happy with this private room.

This is one of my several ivs I had during this stay. I was impressed, each nurse got it right with only one try, normally I'm a very hard stick- that was a relief.

This following pic is during my first night, woke up in excruciating pain, and of course hours before my next pain med dose. I cannot yet find the words to describe how much my body was hurting, but I think this picture does a pretty good job of speaking for me.

While at Cedars I had: an ultrasound and doppler done of my kidneys, bladder, liver, gallbladder and pancreas; x-rays of my cervical, thoracic and lumbar regions of my spine; and an MRI with contrast, countless blood tests for God knows what.

I had a team of four doctors and one care manager. I informed each of them of my endometriosis and that I had begun taking Lupron therapy a little over a month ago. They all shrugged me off saying neither my endo nor my Lupron could have anything to do with this issue. They were split down the middle as to whether they thought the liver or gallbladder was the culprit. For some reason I was compelled to tell my doctors repeatedly about my endo and Lupron therapy-- I KNEW IT!!! (My endosisters know how this goes: I think the second you say you have endo is likely the same second that doctors write you off). They repeatedly shrugged it and me off. 

I had stayed in the hospital long enough that they gave me a new gown to change into and unplugged me so I could shower and wash my hair. It is amazing how good it feels to shower and to be clean after so long of just laying there. And they give you an option of having a back rub when you want to go to sleep to help relax you-- lemme tell you I hit them up on that every night! It was very nice.

I had several visitors, most at one time!! That was very enjoyable: Karines, Jamie, Angie, my mom and Cis, and the night before Stacey came to visit. Stacey brought me a hospital survival kit that was so awesome: a cute tote bag filled with a sketch book, markers, colored pencils, a notebook to write in, erasers, glue sticks, pretty papers, scissors, crossword book, a funny book, root beer!! Very useful to avoid boredom.

These flowers are from Jamie and Angie, they definitely lifted my spirits with my favorite colors and some of my favorite flowers.

 They are perfection.

And Karines brought me some treats! My favorite, the most delicious cronuts: blueberry, maple& bacon and cinnamon sugar. 

Life-changingly delicious I tell you!!

I was even lucky enough to have my recently washed hair French braided!! I love having it braided, definitely made it easier to deal with while in the hospital.

So... what was wrong, you ask after all that?!

My liver is inflamed and my liver count is 4 times normal and then some -- what is that coming from or causing that, you ask??

No less than the therapy that I've used recently for my endo...gee the same thing I had suggested several times only to be shut down, frequently in addition being told that that was a ridiculous thought. Huh! Well, I've only been in my body for almost 31 years now, so what do I know?!

Unfortunately I had a 3 month injection of Lupron done January 3, so there is still like six weeks or seven of that being strongly present within my system. I cannot therefore do the following injection as we had planned. 

This is where my emotions come into play. I'm absolutely devastated that this has happened, for so many reasons:

~I watched my dad die in the hospital, wearing the same patterned hospital gowns that I had to wear, very uncomfortable feeling!

~ The treatment that has finally been successful has really fucked up my liver 

(sorry but that is the only word that works)

~ It makes me angry "just" having to go through all of this. Isn't having endo for 15 years and to have a hysterectomy at a somewhat young age enough of a toll to pay?!

~ What will happen to my body while that drug remains in my system?

~ I'm terrified of what my next ob/gyn appointment will entail...what news will I get?

~ I'm scared of the recovery from this. I'm absolutely exhausted. ALL THE TIME, nauseous, in pain, hot flashing, having chills, crying, sigh. The doctors said it could take several weeks to several months to get back to my norm.

~I am scared of what just happened to my body happening again. I had just started feeling my body, feeling safe in my body and I feel quite a bit further away from that feeling now

Wow, writing this blog has taken me so much longer than it normally does. 

I am absolutely exhausted, so I'm going to hit the sack with my kitty.

Thank you all for your love and support during this most difficult time. I LOVE you all.

And to my endometriosisters, I hope this finds you painfree, enjoying your lives, as we should be able!!

~namasté.

BRAVE healing--big day, or should I say a way smaller day!

Well over the past few months, though it feels like months and months and months, I've been trying and trying, so hard to conquer ENDOMETRIOSIS, again. It is a disease that really wreaks havoc in the lives of those afflicted in every aspect of their lives:

 physically, spiritually, emotionally, 

mentally, professionally, socially

 - truly in every aspect. 

I have found through this bout with endo, more than my experiences before, that it does in fact give us a gift, an opportunity: 

to work VERY hard with a lot of work to interact with the endo on an emotional and spiritual level, which I would suspect is different for each girl but, that is an opportunity for a major 

heart and soul blossoming that might 

not be possible otherwise.

I have done a lot of hard inner work over these past few physically hellish weeks and have begun to reap the benefits, the work will continue and thus will the benefits--

 I do not know this for sure,

 but I'm CHOOSING to believe it, 

to believe IN it, IN me.

This most recent bout of endometriosis truly, literally popped out of nowhere. I was looking my normal weight one Friday at work, then went home and found myself like this:

These pictures continue to shock me. It was so incredibly physically uncomfortable to be so bloated, it was uncomfortable in more ways than that. It was also difficult to deal with having a physical condition that has resulted in my having to have a hysterectomy

 (hello infertility at 28!) and then being so bloated in my belly that I truly looked nothing but massively pregnant. I was never someone who wanted to have kids, EVER, but making that permanent decision and having that done this early in my life was still a big decision to make-- yet the only one I saw if my life were to continue. On a nearly daily basis, while in physical agony, having to deal with massive emotions resulting in being asked if I was pregnant, offered congratulations, or even having my belly touched by strangers in excitement of my apparently obvious pregnancy. Being so emotionally upset, I believe, also helped the belly, named Katie, grow more, thus a vicious cycle was born. Following are just a few pictures of this serious bloating, I think the assumption of my being pregnant is completely understandable (which doesn't really make it any easier to deal with) in these pictures.

Pretty incredible, RIGHT?!

These last two were just four weeks ago!!

Today I went for a hike to what I'm now calling the Endo Cave with a great girlfriend. It truly felt like a rebirthing experience, and a rebirthing without Katie! It is such an overwhelming feeling to see my body now how it looks. It hits me very strongly and deeply, 

and it is incredibly emotional.

Here is one of the pictures from today of Karines and me that I really like!

On our way to the Endo Cave I found the perfectly calm place to take a quick moment for myself, connecting deeply 

with myself AND with my body.

Also found the perfect place to show my beautiful rescued pup, Dakota, her first waterfall. She really LOVED the hike. I fell in love with this pic of us together in this most beautiful, calming, sacred place 

peacefully LOVING each other.

Then it was off to the Endo Cave!! I couldn't wait to go in - and this time to not have Katie, to not have to worry about fitting or getting stuck trying to go in or get out of the cave

This was my friend's first time in the cave. Since she's been with me during some of the hardest parts and times of my disease and offered nothing but support, she was the perfect friend to come to the cave without Katie! She understands my excitement about 

that more than most!

In the midst of our exploring and messing around in the cave, taking tons of pictures, I HAD to find sometime for a serene moment for some meditation IN myself, IN endo. I felt something I cannot yet put to words physically happen and yet it did feel magical, I did, unfortunately return home with a pelvic crampage that I can't quite get to go away.

Coming out of the cave is not easy, even without the Katie bloat present... at least this time I didn't have to worry about getting stuck!

It does feel like a rebirthing of sorts and the fact that you come out into a waterfall makes it the perfect baptism: 

starting over, strengthening of 

my BRAVE healing for sure!

We both felt great coming out of the cave! I feel like we both have a glow in this pic that we took right after we got out of the cave. 

I love this picture!

I love my relationship with Karines and am truly grateful to have her in my life. She is always there when you need a ride to the ER, or when you are going to a party when you know not one person, or when you need a roadtrip up the coast, or when you have to go to your dad's funeral, or when you need to move, or when you need endless help having a severely broken leg, the examples are countless... We have had so many super fun and absolutely ridiculous crazy times and I'm so glad I'm on this path of BRAVE healing so that we can continue having our awesome adventures together.

Love ya, Karines.

Today was absolutely the perfect hike and cave experience considering where I am in my BRAVE healing process. I'm grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way in such a wide variety of ways. 

To all of my beautiful endometriosisters out there, I send you such big loves and healing hugs for the BRAVE journey you are also experiencing. I think if we share our experiences it is not only powerful for us, the ones experiencing it, but also for our friends, and even people we don't know. 

To all of my readers that are not impacted directly by ENDOMETRIOSIS, it is from the bottom of my heart that I thank you for continuing to read my blog. This blog serves as SUCH an outlet for me and hopefully some type of education for you and helps you to understand, even if only a little bit, more about what women with ENDOMETRIOSIS go through with this disease. 

Namasté, all.

Thank you for reading. 

P.S. if you have a story, question, etc. feel free to share it here. I'd love to have this as a safe platform for both people who don't know about endo and those who have or have had it to share in an absolutely completely safe place.

I am in LOVE with the before picture and find it the perfect pic to use to end my blog tonight.

Love, love.

Tearless Grief Bleeds Inwardly, part 1

It has been such an incredibly indescribable week! I've been dying to blog about what's been going on but wanted to wait until a bit of time had passed in this new state to confirm it was more than a fluke of a day or two...following are some pictures that show pretty well how I was feeling due to exhaustion, nearly constant nausea and pain due to ENDOMETRIOSIS.

Last week, in kind of an 'all of a sudden' type way, I began toying with the idea of piercing my nose. I stumbled upon an article about ancient Indian and Ayurvedic tradition that explains that the left nostril on women is directly connected to the health and fertility of the female reproductive and sexual organs, frequently piercing the left nostril in instances of difficulty conceiving. The second I read that I knew I needed to do this, for my ENDOMETRIOSIS. It touched me on such a deep, personal, soul level that I went out Saturday, found the ideal tattoo and piercing shop for me (which could be a post in itself) and got it done. 

Not only do I love the jewelry I chose, just a small stud with "diamond" stone, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE it aesthetically.

On this day I more than pierced my nose...which I openly and honestly discussed with my piercer... I made a sincere and seriously hope-filled wish that this would help me physically, which would help me in ALL ways.

Below is my sweet little piercing right after I had it done! It was so very exciting and scary at the same time. 

Wait a minute...piercing one's nose to help ENDOMETRIOSIS sounds crazy...even to me...but so does having two surgeries, one total hysterectomy, an unsuccessful post-hysterectomy biopsy, and two bouts of chemically induced MENOPAUSE...

Come to think of it, should this piercing thing offer any relief, it sounds the least crazy of the things I've listed above, but a nose piercing can't help so much in that kind of way, it just can't.

Right?!

WRONG WRONG WRONG

(we're about to get personal lol)

Tomorrow afternoon will mark one week that I had the piercing done and week also mean the beginning of my physical revolution and successful revolt against endo. 

~No nausea

~No bleeding

~No pain going to the bathroom

~No cramps

~ No vomiting

~No debilitating pain

AND this is ALL on NO meds

(Not including what I MUST take for sleep and the herbal supplement I take to help 

with my ADD)

For the first time in months, if not years, I felt like I wanted to wear a dress. And not only that I felt good, like I even looked good, in that dress! 

This may not seemingly be that important or significant, BUT because of the recent and significant absence of the ENDOMETRIOSIS and all the ways it had impacted my life, it led to my HATING being a girl, a woman, because it had tossed so much havoc into my life and my body. 

I found myself through most of my week putting in additional effort in the morning to "get ready:" make up, outfits-- cute outfits, more specifically--,wearing my hair down, etc. It was exciting to me and a direct result of how I've felt since the piercing. 

I feel as though I'm able to peel back these protective layers I've worn, in more ways than one, for more reasons than one. By shedding these one necessary layers I'm rediscovering and LOVING myself into myself- if that even makes sense.

I cannot not and am not meaning to imply that my having my nose pierced has solely contributed to this NEW feeling of wellness. There is an amazingly long list of things that have conspired amongst the universe to provide this relief. I do know I KNEW the piercing would help me. I'm trying to learn to listen to and not disregard that inner voice, that often whispers the wisest of advice that we can hear.

I read this quote this week about grief that shockingly felt deeply, deeply, deeply related to my ENDOMETRIOSIS and I most definitely plan on seriously blogging on it more deeply tomorrow or maybe Sunday as I feel a little more into it. 

Here is the phrase:

Tearless grief bleeds inward

Reading that quote really struck a strong chord within myself. Since I read it, I've been in a lot of tears (fit many different reasons and occasions), the most I've had in a long time and it feels amazing.

Anyhow, thank you all for reading my blog and for joining me during this journey through the cosmos. I hope those of you that have ENDOMETRIOSIS yourself that you trust your gut when you read things, see things, feel things, even if they seem off the wall and people scoff...I'm not saying, go get your nose pierced, but I am most definitely saying to trust yourself, trust your gut, trust your inner tuition. I think it also helps to talk it out to people that you know will not judge your thoughts, feelings, ideas. One big thing that is of utmost importance in 

OUR healing is:

DO NOT LOSE HOPE!!

A biiiiiiiiiig thank you to those of you who do not have ENDOMETRIOSIS who read my blog, I'm really hoping to help show the severe impact that endo has on every aspect in the lives of the women it affects. I hope you've learned a little something. I also really appreciate the amazing amount of LOVE, support and guidance I've received throughout my endo experience.

LOVE YOU ALL. 

~namasté

be BRAVE! be BRAVE! be BRAVE! be BRAVE!

This week has not been an easy one -- physically or emotionally.  Work has felt overwhelming and I'm beginning to notice an emotional component to my Lupron treatment. I'm noticing an increase in hot flashes also and they seem to be tied to my emotional state of mind and levels of stress. 

It is incredibly difficult to try and remain the same person I was pre-MENOPAUSE, especially in my work. In my job, I am to help coordinate care and services for my elderly clients and provide the support they and/or family members need. I am finding myself brought to tears frequently during the day, having strong surges of anger and hot flashes accompanied with sweat dripping down my forehead. I'm easily triggered from somewhat calm to incredibly frustrated at an alarmingly fast rate of speed. I get frustrated with myself and practically everyone I encounter. 

Here is how I've felt this week in the office, I'm big on having pictures of EVERYTHING. LOL.

Another aspect of my personal life that has made this week rather difficult is that yesterday makes six months ago that my dad passed away of cancer. That is still an open and painful wound. I miss him terribly and frequently stumble upon things that I would've asked his advice on or for help, which feels like a kick in the gut each time I realize he is no longer there.

I am grateful everyday that I have the most amazing cat that just overwhelms me with LOVE each and everyday. He cuddles me and knows when I don't feel good. He knows just what I need. He is a very very very wise kitty. His name is Tink and it truly is the perfect name for him. He is pure magic and I LOVE him more than words can say.

I'm trying my hardest to remain BRAVE and keep my first momentum. It is really hard not to get sucked down. I am not getting sucked down, but physically am struggling right now as my body continues to try and fight to regain some type of peace.

This first BRAVE image is not my own. I found it online and have further edited it with a few apps on my phone, but I take no personal credit for the image itself.

This BRAVE HEALING image is truly one of my favorite pictures right now and it is central in my HEALING process to look at it frequently.

Thank you so very much for reading.

For those endometriosisters reading, I hope you're feeling well and you are on your own journey of BRAVE HEALING.

For those readers that do not have endo I hope as you read my posts that you realize how much, how deeply and in how many ways endometriosis impacts the lives of women who have it. It is not as if we can push pause on the rest of our lives, heal our bodies and then continue on with our lives-- which can be the cause of a lot of strife and struggle, which of course impacts and can intensify the symptoms. Sigh. 

I love you all and send big LOVE to you for taking the time to read my blog.

~namasté. 

BRAVE HEALING + LOVE TOUCH= MIRACLE

This was an incredibly long week, both work-wise and physically, not to mention emotionally. This post is kind of a "part two" or, better yet, a follow up to my post about my amazing hike and the endometriosis cave.

This first picture is me Friday morning, ready for work, with Katie. When I began my day Friday I had absolutely no idea what a life-chang day was ahead of me.

Friday was quite possibly one of the craziest workdays I've had in a very long time which left me really not feeling very well physically. After work I had an appointment with my painting teacher Jamie, who also happens to be a magical wizard of LOVE. When I arrived I didn't feel that well physically and had quite the Katie apparent while having lost a significant amount of weight in the past few weeks. We were out in the yurt, which is one of my favorite spaces ever, very magical energy, and we started talking about the hike and my experience there. It was really the first time I had spoken about that special hike aloud. Some of our conversation is really too sacred to share, but Jamie offered to do something to Katie that has definitely never been done: to lovingly massage special rose lotion 

on her. I was a little nervous at first for a few reasons, I was struggling with finding Katie embarrassing and haven't had her touched much at all. I closed my eyes took a few breaths and let Jamie do it. The second she started I knew I had absolutely made the right decision as I could feel something indescribable happening within Katie. It felt so incredibly relaxing, soothing and loving to have this done. It was a very special experience. When we were done with our appointment we scheduled or next appt time and I quickly used her bathroom before my drive home and it was then that I noticed the significant difference in the size of Katie. It was amazing. I excitedly showed Jamie. 

The following picture was taken when I got home. . . Most definitely the smallest, and the softest, Katie has been throughout this entire endo return.

I had an awful night, a lot of crying, pain, nausea, restlessness. I was also kind of nervous that Katie was going to return overnight. However, I wad pleasantly surprised when I got up and found her even smaller, which is this next picture.

It is greatly due to this furry little beast that I've survived these past few physically devastatingly painful nights. He miraculously knows exactly what to do and does it with all of his big heart and healing soul.

Saturday afternoon I had an appt with my meditation, healing teacher Diana. She is the one who has helped me develop this concept of BRAVE healing that I am trying to find my way through. We both noticed immediately the change within myself, including my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual states. 

I'm not sure I can put words to all that has transpired over the past week, but I can say without a doubt that massive BRAVE healing is truly beginning to happen withing my physical and spiritual selves. 

I FINALLY BELIEVE I CAN FEEL BETTER- THAT I WILL FEEL BETTER! That is the vital first step of this BRAVE healing process. I am very excited to be occupying this new emotional place, as I now know I am in the place from which I can be propelled forward from into REAL healing.

The following pictures are from Diana. She wrote the BRAVE healing on the much smaller Katie. 

(The red marks below the writing are burn marks from unfortunately hot heating pads)

Currently, physically, I am in a lot of pain and experiencing nearly overwhelming nausea, while still enjoying a noticeably smaller Katie. I am thoroughly enjoying resting with my very healing kitty. I consider myself very lucky to have such a sentient, loving, gentle, healing being at my side during this battle.

Thank you all for reading this. And sending special thanks out to Jamie my magical wizard of LOVE, Diana, my mom, my coworkers and boss, my dear friends. 

LOVE you all.

~namasté.

I'm no math pro, but I strongly believe: Katie + Me = Pompeii

Well this week has been difficult in terms of endometriosis: bleeding, vomiting, nausea, bloating, nausea, exhaustion, etc-- however, my menopause experience hasn't been that bad this week. (Definitely feeling grateful for that!!)

One symptom that has really brought me to my emotional knees has been, yet again, my pregnant looking bloating, which I've named Katie. Not a day goes by that at least one individual will not ask, touch it or offer congratulations. Everyday I do a lot of mental work to get up and out into the world, that question always knocks me sideways and can be hard to recover from. It isn't even the comment or gesture itself that is the problem, or rather the trigger-- it's the emotions that it brings up related to my having had to undergo a hysterectomy at such a young age, thus losing my child bearing ability, though it wasn't likely a possibility physically anyhow with my condition as it was pre-hysterectomy.

Now, having said that, I do not at all regret my surgery and do not even want to have children now-- however that doesn't wipe out the emotions that accompany these decisions and procedures. I do wish that, even if I still had endo to the same extent, that out could be more hidden within my body and I could be more successful at getting on with my day and my work without constant reminders of this painful issue going on in my life.

What this has shown me is that I'm nowhere near done processing, or grieving even, my previous surgeries and difficult medical decisions that had such life-changing results.

It is something that I believe will take some time and hard, hard work, but for some reason tonight I feel a renewed sense of perseverance.

Tonight, for the first time in a long time I actually feel like, NO, tonight I KNOW I can do this. I HAVE to and I will. A dear friend tonight told me I'm a W A R R I O R, and for some rain tonight is the night I almost trying, deeply believe it...it feels good.

+

=

There is a song by the group Bastille which I am currently in LOVE with and out absolutely screams to me my experience and current battle with endometriosis. 

Following are some of my favorite lyrics

 (not necessarily in the correct order):

How am I going to be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

And the walls kept running down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

I'm not even sure I can yet put into words the connection, but it is something I feel deeply within myself. It feels like such a comfortable and significant release when I hear, and sing loudly along to, this song.

Hoping all of my endometriosisters experience some deep and heading relief and that those of you reading that do not have endo yourself, I hope you learn a little more about in what ways endometriosis affects the lives of women who are living with it.

Katie and Me: Reborn

Every Sunday I go hiking. I have two fabulous girlfriends that go and we have such fun together AND we've seen some beautiful and interesting places. It is truly one of my favorite parts of my week. Luckily I was well enough to go Sunday morning, however my nausea impacted our drive as we had to pull over several times. But we finally made it to our destination...

a trail we had never done before. 

And we were off...

Luckily the hike was short and before we knew it we found ourselves at the base of the most breathtaking waterfall I've ever seen: 

300+ feet, two tiered, lush, green and mossy.

If seeing this waterfall had been our entire experience I would've been incredibly satisfied, even overwhelmed by the natural beauty...however, unbeknownst to us we were about to have a most amazing, spiritual, adventurous experience INvolving this mammoth waterfall.

Following are some pictures from our trail hike and some from the creek that flowed from the falls, as we crawled down to follow the creek.

I loved touching the water. Barely having my fingertips gracing along the top of the stream allowed me to feel the strength, perseverance and sense of life that the water possessed...

a very special feeling that I 

truly, deeply enjoyed.

And then the AMAZING waterfall...

(the pictures do not do it justice, by far)

 

I was in absolute awe.

We ran into a couple of people who had knowledge of the falls and had been there before. They informed me that you can in fact crawl through, behind, under the waterfall and go through to the other side. Without thought I followed them into this cave, which involved a lot of maneuvering of my body to get in the right angle, BUT I did!!  Crawled through kind of fast, needed to keep up with our new friends...it was incredible! Every emotion was felt: excitement, fear, pure joy, appreciation, amazement, anxiety. Once I came out the other side I was absolutely exhilirated. I wanted to take my camera in and then have my friend take pictures of me going in and coming out. I spent a lot more time IN the cave. With the flash of my camera I was able to see and feel the detail of the inside of the cave. It was absolutely amazing. I touched all over, slowly running my hands everywhere I was able, some areas were dry, some moist. I was calm in there. I felt calm in a way that words cannot yet describe -- completely at home, protected and held. To be quite honest I wished I never had to come out, I had never experienced anything like this ever before. Could not quite put my finger on what it was that I was experiencing. 

UNTIL it came to me: the insides of the cave looked exactly like ENDOMETRIOSIS. The connection was made. I felt as though I was standing IN endometriosis.

I have always thought of endo as being a vicious, mean, hate-filled entity fighting for, and sometimes gaining possession of my body.  This shift in perspective has brought about a feeling of serenity while going through this physically trying treatment. Though the feelings I have and have experienced, as well as the lens through which I've viewed my endometriosis 

has been reality,

which sometimes simply ain't that beautiful.

Being in that cave, feeling its heartbeat through the pulse of the falls flowing above has helped me to shift my lens to that of BRAVE HEALING which involves strength, determination, love, acceptance but not relinquishing and renewed willpower.

I MUST WIN.

And winning means more than "just" in a physical way.

Had to end with a pic of me and my most amazing fur baby who took such incredible care of me when my endo had a seriously intense and painful flare up yesterday and last night. He is SUCH a lover.