This Woman's Work, Part Deux

I thoroughly enjoy the process writing my blog on a deep level; I have shared very intimate, personal aspects of the process I am going through with my experience of endometriosis, the losing of my fertility, the frustrations and flat out mistreatment I've received in medical settings. However, it has been eating at me that I haven't shared a very important aspect of my life experience which significantly impact both my physical and emotional repercussions of this disease.  There will be more in depth posts about this aspect in the future but for now I am feeling that the just the "announcement" of this feels BIG enough:

I have sexual abuse in my background. 

I strongly believe is related to my development of endometriosis, and to the severity of the disease I have. This relates to one of my last posts (This Woman's Work) about finally realizing that this disease and my suffering is not my fault - but this is the aspect that was missing in my explanation of that epiphany of coming to that conclusion. I (as many, if not all) sexual abuse SURVIVORS blamed myself. I also blame my endometriosis on my sexual abuse. Therefore, the endometriosis must've also been my fault. I hope that in my sharing of my process of healing this experience and the resulting emotional impact it has had on my life and thus far lack of recovery in terms of endometriosis, I can help other girls maybe lessen some of the painful self-blame, hatred and shame that I've gone through...
that would truly make this all worthwhile. 

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. 

It has taken me years to get to the point to say that, much less believe, it, so I hope this helps anyone out there struggling with similar issues.

I found some amazing abuse-related affirmations, and if you'd like you read them then you just have to simply click here.

One of my all time favorite songs is Pompeii, originally by Bastillle, and though I love love love the original version I also love this cover by Jasmine Thompson which can be found on Youtube by clicking here and the original version can be found by clicking here (I'm super excited as I just discovered this acoustic version and am now listening to it on repeat!!!) This song just speaks to me on so many levels and it resonates deep in my soul, and better yet, I like the sound of it too!! Best combo in music! 

Bastille

Jasmine Thompson

Here are the lyrics to this amazing piece:

I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

 You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices

In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

This song and the lyrics reflect so many things in my life, especially with particular things going on at present and of course those also of the past.  It also takes me back, symbolically of course, to Pompeii.  I am fortunate enough to have been there twice and love the history.  I love love love history and Pompeii is so massive in its destruction, but beautiful still today-- there is also a kind of stillness there that i have yet to experience very many other places. I have found that same kind of stillness at a concentration camp I visited a few summers ago while in Germany; also I can say I've experienced this silence and stillness at deaths I've either witnessed or discovered 

(in my work, geriatrics being my speciality, it isn't really that surprising that I have so much experience with death). That truly indescribably deep sense of silence is also felt when I reflect on the abuse I endured and I remember feeling that sense of quiet while it was happening those so many years ago.

The destruction that took place on my birthday, of course speaking back again about Pompeii. so many years ago (that fact is not ever really lost on me!) is so unimaginable; yet it is quite similar to the destruction that sexual abuse endometriosis have caused not only within my physical body but also in every facet of my life.  It has not caused my death, but it has taken so much from my life and made my mere existence so excruciating 

(physically and emotionally) that several times I have come close 

to ending my own life as a result. There are some researchers our there there refer to abuse, specifically sexual abuse as "soul murder" which I understand on the deepest level, much more than I wish I did- that's for sure!

Surgery is just a few days: and yesterday I had an amazing experience that I think is the first step of healing in regards to this surgery!  A few weeks ago I found a pack of temporary tattoos that have affirmations on them, like 'glowing goddess', 'I love you', 'expecting a miracle'; I decided to get the pregnancy pack and have been putting one or two on a week with my dear friend Jamie.  Yesterday we laid out in the glorious So. Cal springtime sunshine and I brought Katie (for those of you who don't know, I've named my endo bloat Katie) out into the sunshine. My shame of her is dissipating. It has taken years and years, but I've gotten to the point where I don't blame myself for all of this which has also lessened my shame directed toward my bloat! Very exciting. So yesterday afternoon I chose two tattoos for Katie, I chose one that says I LOVE MY BELLY and another is a foil temporary tattoo that is an Egyptian goddess spreading her powerful, strong wings.

Unfortunately the foil one is hard to photograph  and capture the awesome detail. But I just love how powerful, strong,  protective this feels and  I think putting her on Katie is just perfect.

I'm not sure I can even put into words the significance of finally being able to put this message on my endobelly. And yes the redness on my stomach is burns from my  heating pads, my pelvisis completely covered in burns from them!

My wish for those reading my blog are multifaceted:

ॐIf you are reading and do not suffer or have any loved ones suffering from endometriosis, first kudos for reading, and second thank you for taking the time. I hope you learn something here.

ॐIf you love or are close with someone with this awful, overwhelming, life-changing disease I hope you can maybe understand their/our 

experience a bit more.

ॐIf you have endometriosis yourself I hope you realize you are not alone in this and know that I am here if you need any extra support; please feel free to reach out, and knowthere is absolutely 

NO judgement here.

I've decided to end with one or two inspirational quote images, I've made both of thee and they speak deeply to me as I write this post and as the 

surgery date approaches faster and faster!

Ok, ok, one more picture. I have this book by Gabby Bernstein and found the exact meditation/affirmation I needed and want to end with this for tonight.

With big love and peace to all of you, 

I sign off for the night

ॐStephanie

Photo Collective: SO what does endometriosis LOOK like?

***DISCLAIMERS***
First, I'm on a lot of heavy duty meds tonight, I will re-proof in the morning but tonight this could really say anything lol. Second there are some surgical pictures here, both internal surgical camera pictures and scars so if that bothers you, don't look.

I've written a lot of super personal, somewhat heavy blogposts lately about the emotional components and frustrations that accompany endometriosis.  Tonight I'm going to mix it up with a photo collective of various pictures and images that will describe what ENDOMETRIOSIS in a way that I feel words will never be able.

I wanted to be both actual in my pictures, that are pictures of MY endometriosis belly, some surgery pictures, and some images that express what the feelings are that accompany the physical manifestations of this truly all encompassing disease.

I figure it makes sense to start with my very first picture of my dreaded endometriosis bloat, which is named Katie, for those of you who do not already know.

This is the very first picture of Katie that I ever took!

That is a heating pad and a BE band, a brilliant pregnancy/maternity
product from Target that I use to hold my heating pads where I want them to be

Pretty severe bloating I would say!

So on top of the physical symptoms of this dreaded disease
how do you look like this and not become more depressed and upset
and have a constant, visible reminder of the war that is being waged in there 

I also wanted to share some pictures I have from surgeries, these include operative pictures, and then some post-op incision pictures and then some general hospital shots:

These are my excision surgery scars two days post op, the day
before we were given the green light to go home!

Before my consultation with the excision surgeon I decided to use a Sharpie marker the day before and mark specifically where I had pain. It was very useful and the nurse was grateful I had done it. With all the pains we have, it can be hard to remember!

 

And then of course there is all of the fun included in both operative related hospitalizations, as well as ER trips, ambulance trips when being transferred to a better hospital, and then the actual fun hospital things like visiting doggies!!!

One thing in particular I loved at Cedars is the pet visiting program they offer. I wish it was not my last admission they offered it to me. But each day, sometimes more than once these lovely, peaceful, healing animals will hop on your bed, if you would like, which i always love having and they just love on you and you on them. Animal love is truly the best medicine.

Yes, several tattoos, piercings, hospitalizations and I still cannot handle the needles well!

I don't remember which surgery this was either, but getting up and walking after abdominal, even lap surgeries is EXCRUCIATING. Once I'm up I'm good but the act of getting up nearly kills me. My nurse was shocked when we went for my first walk and I wanted to kick up my leg!

and not such a good moment

Must have been pretty drugged here, looking pretty comfy and stoned lol

Lovely hospital bracelet collection

Can't forget the delicious contrast you drink with ER visits for scans and stuff. YUK as a chronically nauseated person it is very difficult to get much less keep that stuff down!

Super sexy pre-op legwear, to avoid blood clots while on the table, I hate these things sooooo much and always beg to take them off. But when they bargain with taking away the morphine pump, I give in lol

MY WORST ENEM: The pelvic/transvag ultrasound machine....ouch

Defintely before pain meds kicked in!

YUK and OUCH

Going in for surgery!

This was after my excision surgery in 2014 and when I met my new bff the morphine pump! 

For some reason during this particular hospitalization I had to have my iv replaced several times, the least fun iv place, well second least fun, to me anyways, is the hand. 

Last year I endured several, six I believe, admissions that each resulted in a few days of being in the hospital and I'm not even sure when this specifically was, but I will never forget the misery I was feeling in this moment. It was the moment you wake up in the middle of the night, after hours of having your last pain meds and when your body wakes up and the pain rages back.

And then the dreaded ambulance ride. I actually had really cool, young EMTs taking me on our nearly hour long transfer drive, so loud music, good laughs and of course the morphine drip helped ;)

And then there are the images I've found online that to me just express the epitome of what endometriosis can feel like, in an almost hybrid type way, both physically and emotionally.  Each of these images truly moves me in a somewhat major way, but believe it or not, lol I'm not feeling very write-y tonight, so its all about the pictures, this next batch here I'm going to leave, intentionally, caption-less

This is the one that always catches a lump in my throat, considering I'm having the rest of my hysterectomy performed in a little over two weeks, this gets me quite teary right now

I am going to end with some HOPE tonight. I know I need an extra dose of it myself right now, desperately so. So I have a special selection of images and some quotes (Again no captions):

“Endometriosis affects women during the prime years of their lives, a time when they should be finishing an education, starting and maintaining a career, building relationships and perhaps have a family. For these women to have their productivity affected, their quality of life compromised and their chances for starting a family reduced, is something society can no longer afford to ignore. It is time we see serious investment in preventing this debilitating condition in the next generation of women”,
- Dr Stephen Kennedy, WERF trustee

Also I found this quote, as a food for thought thing, to throw out there... I think its interesting, and possibly what we must do when we with endo grow sick and tired, of being sick and tired:

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
- Roseanne Barr 

These above quotes really help me to realize I can, and am taking an active part in the process of my healthcare decisions and plans...That I truly believe is a VITAL component to health, especially when you add in the factor of having a complex, life-changing medical (oh yea and incurable) condition.

I want to sign off tonight with what I call an ohmism. I'm working on a book about my endometriosis experience. It is very personal but will be publishing it, if it ever gets finished. Anyhow I thought I'd close tonight by sharing this particular message that I definitely needed to see again!  Thank you for taking the time to read and peruse, I hope you learned a little something, or if you're an endosister yourself, I hope you realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Signing off with wishes for y'all, and myself, of a healthy, easy night of sleep and restorative rest!

~namaste