Momentum.
To me momentum can also be referred to as life's energy, or the force, the energy that moves us forward in life. Further, momentum is much needed in order for us to continue on; for what is life without forward movement. What does life become without momentum?
As our lives progress momentum slows and eventually stops. That lessening and loss of momentum is inevitable. Chronic pain and disease can produce a similar lessening of momentum effect to that of aging.
I can only speak to the impact of endometriosis from my personal experience and I can say that endo feeds on our very life source.
It is an incredibly painful disease that effects every part of our lives and can take a lot, if not everything, from the women who suffer with endometriosis.
How does one deal with this at the age of 31?! How and why do you get up day in and day out when you cannot find a reason to exist? What do you do when you feel like your life is nothing? When you feel as though you'll never get anywhere? When you struggle to remember why you exist, what your purpose is? How do you keep going when the only thing that feels constant is severe physical pain, discomfort and feeling worthless? What is the point?
I've been asking myself the past few days what happens when our momentum is gone in life and it is right now, 3:22am that the answer landed into my breaking heart: we become invisible. We become untethered.
Nighttime is even I feel most alone, the most untethered. The world stops. At night no one is there to hear my thoughts, except me and that can be a sad and dangerous thing. Focusing on the negative aspects and degrading myself without hope is commonplace. This continues night after night. This leaves the presence of nothing good in this miserable world that I seem to be feeding off like a leech. Giving back nothing to society; rather hurting it, like the parasite that I have become. Once sleep comes, if it does, flashbacks and terrifying nightmares of the past haunt me, beating whatever light I have remaining inside and all I want to do is finish this incredibly painful cycle by sacrificing myself. This option plays out in my mind, and soul, all night, over and over until I wake (that is IF I've slept).
These thoughts became unbearable and unstoppable last week and I didn't want to die so I went to the hospital and checked myself in. It was a terrifying experience which I may write about later, but for now I just wanted to share these feelings.
Though I am terrified to post this blog, more than any other, I'm hoping I can reach even just one girl who is suffering and let her knowthat when those dark feelings come there are places to go, people to help. I am nowhere near healed or maybe even healthy at this time but I am on a path, not even sure where it leads but I'm still walking. Step after painful step.
Signing off with love and peace for each soul who was in the hospital with me, each suffering woman out there, and appreciation for those souls willing to and wanting to help.
Just wanted to include some information for anyone needing assistance or having similar feelings, urges, thoughts, etc:
No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
If anyone out there reading this needs support or sometime to share with please feel free to email me at acardiganlover@gmail.com
I am not offering any professional support rather a friend and understanding soul who wants to help.
Love and namastéॐ,
Stephanie
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