Strong Inside. . . & Beautiful?!, Part One

A few years ago a very dear friend was sending me a text message, and my name 'Stephanie' kept coming up at Strong Inside which at the time i was dealing with my dad's demise and ultimate, somewhat unexpected death was just what I needed to hear. It was amazing and I think back on that message that ultimately I believe came from my dad. Lately with the recovery process I've been in I've felt I needed to draw more upon my inner strength which sometimes I doubt I even have.

One of the biggest aspects of my femininity that has been taken from me for far too long is beauty, both looking it but most importantly FEELING it. Kinda funny that my oopherectomy, which removed my final female reproductive organs has made me feel safer, more proud and almost ecstatic to explore, discover and play with my femininity, most specifically speaking: beauty.  The two contributing factors of my life that have led me to this place are endometriosis and sexual abuse.  I've decided to break it into two blogs, so tonight, in part one we will discuss endometriosis and the following blog will deal with the sexual abuse aspect of impacting beauty, femininity, etc.

A few years ago my friend and I discovered an amazing hiking trail up in the mountain so Ojai. (We used to hike on a weekly basis and once my health is back in order I hope to again). We found the most amazing trail that led to a 300foot waterfall! It was so incredible. We also, more incredibly, ran into a couple that taught us how to crawl up into and under the waterfall. We could feel the water rushing over and while taking pictures with the flash of our phone cameras we realized the caves looked JUST like ENDOMETRIOSIS. I had some very special and sacred meditations and realizations in those caves and I treasure those moments and memories. However special theses times, because of how severe my disease was at the time I felt almost at my ugliest. 

I find these caves amazing and once I'm fully healed I cannot wait to go back to these caves. I feel like I will need to do some type of special sage smudging, probably among other things there to just signify my separating myself from that part of my life, another sign that my true life might be getting ready to begin! Exciting (and kind of scary) thought.

This concept of beauty and femininity is yet another aspect of my life that endometriosis has taken from me.  When the endometriosis began (nearly 19 years ago) which is when I was 13 years old caused me to have even less respect for my body and femininity.  How did endometriosis impact my desire to look pretty or girly, you ask?  Well, actually in several ways. Most simply endometriosis takes an indescribable amount of energy with the severe pain, numerous medications, night after night of restless painsomnia, countless emotions which can be absolutely exhausting. With this exhaustion, I've not had the energy to spare on accentuating my femininity.  Endometriosis resulted in so many emotions, such as: sadness, confusion, worry, frustration, hopeless, scared, angry, etc.  Sometimes that anger had been turned inward on myself, anger towards myself for simply woman.  For yet again if I weren't a woman I wouldn't be suffering in this very painful, overwhelming way.  Further with the symptoms of somewhat frequent abdominal bloating, dark as coal under eye circles from frequently getting little to no sleep I felt it useless to even attempt to look any better than I did because I was beyond help so to speak. So celebrating or reveling in my being a woman with cosmetics or putting effort into my appearance has not my priority. 

I had experienced incredibly painful, if not excruciating, experiences connected to my being a woman. In regards to both the sexual abuse and the endometriosis, I blamed myself and my body. With that mindset the last thing I wanted to do was that was to enjoy, celebrate or emphasize my femininity. I simply didn't deserve to feel good, especially since I was to blame in the first place for the above issues. 

These bloat pictures in particular touch me because the one on the right was while I was getting ready for work, andthe other is when I got home: the difference of 3 hours!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE......................

Well today I am just a few days over a month from having  an oopherectomy and excision of endometriosis and adhesions. It has been one hell of a process I'll tell ya that. Sometimes I feel pretty darn good, lately I've been having some pain and other issues which hopefully will be rectified soon. 

After my surgery and Katie (for those of you that do not know the bloat I severe bloat I experienced I named Katie) moving out I had a photoshoot done with the daughter of a great friend of mine, I wanted to reconnect with, or maybe connect with for the first time, my femininity. I wanted to share some of the photos that were taken. I love them all so much which is something I never would have been able to say before so that must be some type of progress.

For nearly my whole life being a woman has resulted in indescribable pain; however following this most recent endometriosis surgery, these feelings of negativity I have held toward my own body and my femininity have begun to dissipate.  Not only that, those feelings have changed into feelings of almost freedom, a desire to explore my femininity, and expressions of it, and this really excites me. That is why the photoshoot was so significant to me, especially at this time.

My photographer was absolutely amazing and truly made me feel so very comfortable as I was incredibly nervous. I would highly recommend her and I look forward to working with her on my next project, whatever that may be ;)

 Then I have some photos of my own where I feel beautiful. It is a process to even be able to say that. It is exciting to wear dresses and not feel like I need to select clothes on what while hide things the best. I mean one day I went out and I cannot tell you how many compliments I had on my "outfit" and "style" which is something I've never been able to focus or put any energy towards before so it is truly a whole new world!

And another really exciting announcement:

I have started a video blog on YouTube, I even began a channel, called Brave Healing. It is meant to be an extension of my written blog. I thought I would not enjoy it and wasn't sure I could do it, but I DID and I LOVE IT. Below is my first video, my introduction to my disease and I will include the link to my channel which can be accessed by clicking here.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and to even now watch my video blog! I am SO dedicated to AWARENESS AWARENESS AWARENESS and to helping fellow endosisters truly know they are not alone and also to help others who do not have this disease to understand how this disease impacts our lives; I have yet to find an area that is NOT impacted by this disease!

WE NEED A CURE!!!!!

These final pictures are from the most recent Endo March up in Palo Alto I attended, I just love raising awareness.

I would like to end this post with an important meditation from Inner Wisdom: Meditations for the Heart and Soul by Louise Hay.

I heal myself on all levels

This is a time of compassion and a time if healing.  I go within and connect with that part of myself that knows how to heal.  It is possible.  I know that I am in the process of healing.  During this time,  I discover my healing abilities- abilities that are strong and powerful.  I am incredibly capable.  I am willing to go to a new level to truly heal myself on all possible levels.  I am spirit,  and being spirit,  I am free to help myself- and the world.

girl: uninterrupted

I've been working on my video blogging this past week. I'm so proud of the work I've done. I thought I would be terrified but I ended up really enjoying it so very much. SO in particular I wanted to share tonight's videos! I hope you take the time and enjoy them! 

Thank you for your support. 

Some

nothing more, part two

***this post has been written while under the influent of several strong drugs and most of which was written while in the hospital, so I'm sure ongoing editorial changes will need to be made, I thank you in advance for your patience!***

M o m e n t u m has been on my mind ever since I ended my blog posting from Saturday.  If I look at the last several years of my life and life's events I can illustrate perfectly the endometriosis-induced loss of momentum. 

Picture this: My first "real"-ish job in my career field (geriatric counseling, health promotion and education and social work) I worked there from 2007 until 2011. I had some of the worst flares during these years and I didn't even have a diagnosis until Saint Patrick's Day 2010 via my first of 5 endometriosis-related surgeries! So not only was I missing work due to being unable to move much less being a functional, contributing person in the world- sometimes my flares would be so severe to the point that I would be so crippled with pain that I was barely able to get from my bed or the couch to the bathroom.  Occasionally I would spend days at a time on the couch or in bed- or even worse I've spent a few dozen nights where I've slept on the floor of the bathroom. I would be in so much pain that my body would work up a sweat and I would have significant sweating and a hot flash feeling, the coolness of the tile floor was my savior.

Ok, back to my topic, what my endometriosis has done to my work experience-- the above paragraph that feels a bit ADD- so welcome to my mind lol. 

My work was understanding as long as the 200+ clients I had were cared for, and the requirements of our grants within the site I worked in were fulfilled. At this time I was working full time as Resident Services Coordinator, a few nights a week I coached little kid soccer, I was going to graduate school full-time (working my my graduate degree in gerontology), and even had a part-time job on the weekends where I worked as the marketing assistant in a large assisted living facility. This hyper level of activity in combination with my 'real' job as well as my precarious health, I believe it affected my health in a significant way.  My endometriosis truly began a major campaign to take over my life: unfortunately it was quite successful- it not only increased in the amount of time that I was ill versus feeling good, but it also majorly, in kind of insane way became way more severe in its presentation.  This is when my Emergency Room trips began. The pain was out of control and past what I could use at home.  It took a lot of me to go to the hospital.  It was good for super short relief of symptoms and maybe a good pain management plan. 

Early morning June 25th 2010 unfortunately I fell and broke my left ankle in a serious way that resulted in nearly 4 months off work and TWO surgeries; my surgeon told my parents and myself that my life would never be the same after that injury- he was correct! My application for time off from work for my surgeries and recovery period was approved. When I was 9 days away from returning to work I received a letter from my employer saying that they were no longer able to hold my position open for me so I lost my job. I was absolutely shocked and stood at the mailbox with tears streaming down my sad cheeks for several minutes as I read the letter over and over. I took the letter straight inside to my dad. He was the logical, calm and collected. Just his energy could help calm a situation when things get chaotic or overwhelming.  If I had to get my job I would rather it be caused by an incompetence or some type of mistake on my part- I'd rather have my termination related to something I have control over, something I could work on, if given the opportunity. Endometriosis had not only stolen my social life, any dreams of a romantic relationship, but my relationships with my friends even were impacted, further it impacted my relationship with myself in the most negative of ways. But now it impacted my career, the very beginning of my career, my springboard into the work I would soon be ready for after finessing m graduate work. Once this happened endometriosis had truly taken over each and every part of my life. At this time I began feeling anger about my disease for the first time. I had felt a great variety previously related to endometriosis such as: confusion, sadness, frustration, grief, shame, guilt, hopeless. . .  But not anger.

                               ...and then it happened A G A I N!!

A few years later. . .: June 2014 I was working full time at a local Senior Center in the Supportive Services department.  I enjoyed my work; however the endometriosis monster frequently got in the way and I would be late due to not sleeping at all and needing a few hours in the morning to give my body at least a little rest; leaving early because my lunch, or lack thereof, would send me through an endometriosis-related nausea cycle; or worst yet I would miss a day entirely, frequently a few days in a row as rarely is a flare only unbearable on one day. My supervisor was understanding (in the beginning); well as understanding as they can be considering they're trying to run a business and provide services to a vulnerable population whose needs could be of life or death importance, not exactly a business that can afford to employ someone with an irregular attendance pattern. Tensions started building and it became a very uncomfortable environment, and I'm sure the discomfort was not only felt on my side of things.  Even though I believe my supervisor and administrators knew my disease is legitimate and I was really ill; however, I had to take several months off last summer to have major excision of endometriosis and lysis of adhesions surgery. When I returned work the environment was becoming more and more uncomfortable with each passing day, it felt as though I was being punished for the time I had requested off, which they had APPROVED, but nonetheless when I returned things had changed.  I felt like a failure, as if I were letting everyone in my department (as well as my clients) down with my absences, as I am sure I was-- I was also letting myself down. But I also could recognize the symptoms and things that hinted that that I needed to stay home- which generally resulted in days being spent on the couch, generally covered in heating pads, and fueled into the fetal position cuddling with my boy Tink the Bengal kitty crying and praying for this flare to end.  I had one coworker in particular (whom I'm still great friends with today) who did nothing but offer support and would even come to my house and help me out if I needed anything but because of how hard I worked to get my education and to buildup my skill set that is necessary in my job it was very hard for me to not be able to do my best- and to see that in myself was a truly gut-wrenching experience.

I was contacted about a new job that was available in Ventura. I thought this might be the perfect opportunity to start over, in a new area, and to truly begin my career, in a new area, where not everyone knew about my disease and seemingly chronic state of unhealth. The job in Ventura was offered to me. I definitely accepted, seeing it as a great opportunity to start over.  So although I left the Senior Center on my terms and was not let go, my time felt limited there- it was time.  Shortly after I started my new job I began experiencing severe symptoms.  I couldn't believe it; it had barely been 6 months since my excision surgery- I couldn't believe that sooooo soon after that surgery that I could be experiencing such pain. I felt incredibly disappointed in that my surgery ended up not being the healing miracle I so needed and truly believed it would be. Another let down. Another stumbling block in my path. Another interruption in the momentum that had just begun in my 'new' life and job.  It was devastating.  Initially with the arrival of my symptoms I tried to hide it for as long as I could.  When my very pregnant appearing belly returned though it was time to come clean about what I was going through.  And, as it has with each other relapse, my attendance was greatly impacted due to the severity of my symptoms  Fast forward a few months and I was referred to UCLA and that surgeon suggested an oopherectomy and lysis of endometriosis and adhesions; this surgery would result in a month off work. I was approved for the time off and actually time-wise that is where I am currently; I return to work at the very end of June. In regards to my surgery recovery though it is slow going, I am feeling much better and saw my surgeon this afternoon and he is very happy with how things look.  No matter how well it goes with my return to work it still has resulted in a lost of momentum.  We shall see how the recovery of that goes as the return to work begins to unfold.

On a different note, I'd like to share a little about why I blog about my endometriosis experience. Some people tell me they think it is too personal of a problem to share, I obviously do not feel that way at all.  So I thought I would share why I started this blog and why I am so determined to share my experience.  I saw this quote this morning and it most definitely explains perfectly one of the reasons I blog:

Part of the healing process is sharing with other people who care.

         -- Jerry Cantrell

People frequently ask about my blogging about something so personal.  I don't see my blog about my experience regarding endometriosis anymore personal then blogs families have about babies and to keep people abreast of how their family is growing and what the kids are doing.  I think  the reason people ask that question is partially driven by societal discomfort around women's health, especially women's reproductive health and such. That is one of the reasons it has taken so long to "find a cure" for endometriosis. This disease is kept too silent and it is that silent that will continue to claim the lives of countless young woman who will continue to suffer greatly, mainly in silence acting as if everything is ok.  The graphic here gives the stats of estimated women with endo and is another big reason as to why I blog. I think it is an absolute disgrace that 176 million women are suffering so in every aspect of their life with this disease and the only proposed so-called 'treatments' are either surgical, possibly involving organ removal which  ultimately affects a women's ability to have they own children; or there are some medicinal options but those are harsh also, one I tried with two different bouts was called Lupron, which is a chemotherapy drug which is used to treat prostate cancer! It is a horrible medication and honestly I think it needs to be no longer allowed to be used for endometriosis; there are too many lifelong and life-altering side effects to make this drug even close to being worthwhile in treating endometriosis.

I have been so incredibly bored while spending this whole last week in the hospital. And so I decided to take part in my favorite passive activity for when I'm bedridden due to pain, and that is PHOTO EDITING on my phone! Here are some of my favorite shots.

                                                                                                                    

   

I would like to end this post with a prayer for healing, recovery and strength from the incredible Louise Hay, this is taken from her book, You Can Heal Your Life, a healing blessing this 'ohmism' that I created with a quote from Joan of Arc, it is the attitude that I have had to try to adapt as much as possible as the fight of my life versus endomtriosis.  I love the feeling of this quote and I feel like visually it matches the strength as well as the zest and passion for life:

You Can Heal Your Life

In the infinity of life where I am,

all is perfect, whole and complete.

I am one with the Power that created me.

I am totally open and receptive to the abundant 

flow of prosperity that the Universe offers.

All my needs and desires are met before I even ask,

I am Divinely guided and protected,

and I make choices that are beneficial for me.

I rejoice in others' successes, knowing there is 

plenty for us all.

I am constantly increasing my conscious 

awareness of abundance, and this reflects in a 

constantly increasing income.

My good comes from everywhere and everyone.

All is well in my world.

-- Louise L. Hay

Bless this day with healing, bless it with

radiant sun energy, fill each cell of the body,
bringing a flood of healthy energy to all the body,
banishing illness & disease, as healing grows.

May the abundant powers of health flourish within,
each day, may they expand & grow stronger,
bringing the gifts of vitality, strength & wellbeing,
Blessings flow now with ample energy & happiness.

Signing off with love-filled wishes for health and respect for 
all of my readers and friends, 

Stephanie

nothing more, part one

*Yes, I am posting this a day late; I am absolutely exhausted from being in the hospital for 3 days and being on non-stop narcotic medications, I want to give this the once over before publishing so unfortunately I will not be able to get this finished until tomorrow morning.

Well, I can hardly believe that today has come: 

the 3 year anniversary of having my hysterectomy

As most of my readers are aware I'm also working on a book about all of this and I have an entire chapter (though to be honest it could be a BOOK in itself!) about my hysterectomy and I thought I'd share a blurb from my book today- seems appropriate:

I felt such peace the morning after
my surgery I felt like a
BRAND NEW WOMAN

After finally having a diagnosis of endometriosis and struggling with numerous medications and countless doctors, I was at the end of my rapidly fraying rope. I was not nearly as educated about my condition as I am now, unfortunately. I was fed up. I had missed far too many work days, classes in my graduate work, social activities, any hope for a romantic life; I had missed my life. I became hellbent on having a hysterectomy assuming that it would “cure” my body of this god awful ailment. I had never in my life been even the slightest bit inclined to have children. Never. I had never had the maternal instinct pull at my heart. Children are precious, but they are not for me. Nevertheless to come to a decision in your twenties that takes away that possibility forever is highly emotional and not easy. The fact that my symptoms seemed to be only increasing in severity, day after day, is the only thing that made this decision possible. However, finding a doctor that would perform a hysterectomy on me at that age was easier said than done. 

Fertility seems to be where the control over our bodies as women ends. I don’t intend on getting political here, however . . . I was suffering greatly from a physical condition and I was not ALLOWED to make a decision that I believed was in my best interest. Each doctor I approached about a hysterectomy would say they were not going to do that because they just “knew” I would change my mind and want children later. How dare all of these doctors tell ME that I will want to have children, all the while making ME suffer because of it. It made and still makes, no sense to me at all to suffer immensely and seemingly indefinitely because I may or may not change my mind later regarding having children-- or more accurately because these self-serving doctors forced their sense of right on my life and even IN my body. I even had a doctor, a female at that, tell me that I shouldn’t get my hopes up of EVER feeling better; she told me that I would NEVER feel better than I felt at that time. That really sent me on a tailspin. 

I was physically miserable and going through so much that it was really taking a steep, steep toll on my emotions. I contemplated suicide several times throughout these years of suffering, but more often I just had wishes of not going on if this is what life was going to consist of for me: I no longer wanted to be the girl who missed work all the time, the girl who could never be counted on for anything because she was unsure how she would feel, the girl who had to pull over a dozen times on her work commute to throw up on the side of the highway, the girl who bled more days than she didn’t, the girl who was nearly permanently nauseated, the girl who rarely could get out of the fetal position and when she was able she had to have massive narcotics flowing through her system, the girl who looked nine months pregnant all the while suffering from a disease that would likely make conception difficult if not impossible; I no longer wanted to be A girl.

I did a lot of emotional and spiritual work with amazing teachers and counselors in my life to prepare for the hysterectomy and I truly believe I went in in the best possible mental and emotional state. I believe that when I was as prepared as possible, the correct doctor came into my life. I will forever remember the doctor that LISTENED to me, had empathy and promised that if I tried one medication that he thought might help and did not experience the desired intended effects and relief, he would do a hysterectomy. I was on cloud nine. I yet again had hope that I could recover and have a chance at finally having a life. 

The medication did not have the desired effect on my symptoms and no relief was experienced and a hysterectomy was scheduled. I was not working at the time (I had lost my job due to endo-related absences) so it was the perfect time for me to have this major (both physically and emotionally) surgery without pressure of having to return to work by a particular time — I could heal at my own pace. And even more magical about the timing of this surgery was the fact that I “happened” to be taking part in series of spiritual growth classes called Awakening the Divine Feminine. So while I was going to be undergoing the most radical and life-changing experience I was surrounded by the most wise, safe, all-encompassing, divine group of women. Further, it was great to be involved in and surrounded by such deep, deep dialogue about femininity and what that means while I was having a majority of my female reproductive organs removed due to a gynecological disease. I felt completely loved, supported, held and protect by this group at the treacherous yet exciting time. The energy of the divine feminine sourcing from this group of amazingly beautiful and strong women, I believe, is what carried me so gracefully and securely through my healing process.

I had my hysterectomy performed on June 12, 2012 and I stayed over night in the hospital (up until that point it was the first time I had been overnight in the hospital). When I opened my eyes after surgery, I saw a framed photo on the wall of a woman holding and lovingly admiring a newborn baby held in the crook of her arm. I couldn’t believe it. I began hysterically screaming and crying. Why in the world was a hysterectomy patient (and a 28- year old one at that?!) recovering with a newborn/mommy picture directly across the room from the bed?! This upset me on many levels. I had to spend my recovery in the Maternity/Labor & Delivery Unit, which I understand, but this particular choice or artwork, I do not understand at ALL. I complained not only at the time, I complained on my survey that I received a few weeks following my operation wanting feedback on my experience in the hospital. I wrote my strong feelings out and was later contacted by the Director of the Women’s Health Unit at the hospital and I shared these points with her:

If someone just had a baby and something went wrong the last thing they would want to look at is a healthy mommy and baby photo hanging on the wall. 
If someone had a hysterectomy the last thing they would want to look at is a healthy mommy and baby photo hanging on the wall. (And I never even wanted children and I was shaken to my very core- I cannot imagine how devastating such a careless oversight could be to someone who had dreams of being able to have children but would no longer be able)
If someone had a baby and everything went fine, with mommy and baby, they don’t need to have a healthy mommy and baby photo hanging on the wall— they have their own baby to ooh and awe at.

I was so upset waking up in this situation, crying so hard and so loudly that my roommate requested to be moved, I cannot blame her—I was a complete basket case. 

Interestingly at the exact moment I was having these emotional and mentally stressed (significantly so) responses I was also experiencing such a strong sense of physical relief. It was a strange sensation, it almost felt as though my pelvis had been emptied, I could feel, literal and tangible, empty space. Further I felt as though I had lost a significant sense of heaviness that I used to feel throughout my pelvic area— it felt free. This relief was so strong that I could feel the relief through the pain and the pain medications and the post-anesthetic grogginess. 

I made a quick recovery, in all ways: emotionally, mentally, spiritually — because my physical recovery was so deep and felt so very real-- I truly felt this was my miracle. Everyone in my life could visibly see and also feel the difference immediately after my surgery. I felt like my whole community of supporters and loved ones in my life were able to take a collective sigh of relief, like, ah our girl is gonna be alright. 

So, I find myself, on this the evening of the 3rd year anniversary of my hysterectomy, writing this in a hospital room of the very hospital in which I had my hysterectomy- recovering (rather trying to recover might be most accurate) from a very strange and overwhelming (potential) complication in the recovery from my 5th endometriosis surgery. The healing miracle I so desperately hoped for and need so many years ago that I truly believed would be found in the hysterectomy has remained nowhere to be found. The miracle I've wished for in each surgery has sadly diminished to a few months-long reprieve from symptoms but nothing long-lasting- this is what has followed each surgery/treatment I've undergone for endometriosis.  

It is too early to say what the results from this most recent surgery will be but I sure am hopeful that the relief I find will last longer than a few months. A few months is simply no longer acceptable. I have been very lucky with each great, pain-free (or at least less painful) day I've had through this hellish trek my body and I have been on following my first excision surgery (June 17, 2014--another brief reprieve followed by the ominous and long-lasting let down); however, I have lost the incredible gift of MOMENTUM. What is life without momentum?  How can you begin a career, and build your professional reputation, no matter how incredible you are at your work and how skilled you are, without reliability and the unpredictability of the disease resulting in numerous and mostly unplanned absences. It does not matter how incredibly amazing you are with your job if you aren't able to get out of bed and go- your career will not survive. Unfortunately I know this first hand, as I've lost a job due to my absences. The loss of momentum that accompanies endometriosis is truly a devastating aspect of this disease; and because this disease attacks us women at the exact time when we should be designing, building and truly gaining our lives' momentum (and this is referring to momentum in all areas in our life -- professional, romantic, social, spiritual, etc).

I feel like our teen years should be a time of self and world exploration, a time when our ideals are discovered, played with, tested, believed in; a time when we begin to truly develop a relationship with our bodies and ourselves; a time when we begin discovering what our dreams are for our life and the many aspects of it; it is also the time we begin taking the steps and doing the work necessary to get where we want and make those dreams come true. When you have a disease such as endometriosis a great majority of this time that should be used for these other vital developmental stepping stones is instead spent curled up in the fetal position experiencing terrifying, overwhelming pain, crying because you don't know what to do, and missing school, canceling plans with friends-- ultimately resulting in feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, hopelessness and despair.

Our 20s build on the momentum gained in and continuing from our teen years. We begin, or continue, with our destination in mind. Even if our dreams or plans came, and they frequently do, it is ok because we already have the momentum simply of "going." Our networks become even more important (which is hard to believe when we're younger lol) as our professional and maybe romantic aspects of our lives begin, or continue, to blossom and develop.  Our networks and connections can help us in countless ways- especially in this special young age as we are just starting and having connections to count on can help in countless ways as we forge our way forward, as we continue to maintain and hopefully we begin to not only sustain but increase our life's momentum.


Being in the hospital and being in such intense pain resulted in deep, very deep boredom, which led me to doing a ridiculous little photoshoot with a girlfriend who came to visit. I absolutely love editing pictures on my phone and I think some of these really came out beautifully, and they leave me with a feeling of peace and relaxation which is not how I have been feeling the past three days being in the hospital experiencing truly grueling pain- relaxation seems to be the furthest from the truth of how it is to stay in the hospital.

The song that I feel for tonight's entry I feel is called Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift, I really enjoy the cover version by Savannah Berry; if you'd like to watch the video please click here.

Here are the lyrics to this song:

       I could lift you up

I could show you what you wanna see

And take you where you wanna be

You could be my luck

Even if the sky is falling down

 I know that we'll be safe and sound

We're safe and sound!

I could fill your cup

 You know my river won't evaporate

This world will still appreciate

You could be my luck

Even in a hurricane of frowns

I know that we'll be safe and sound!

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

(Hold your ground)

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

I could show you love

In a tidal wave of mystery

You'll still be standing next to me

You could be my luck

Even if we're six feet underground

I know that we'll be safe and sound

We're safe and sound!

Safe and sound

Safe and sound

Hold your ground

Safe and sound

I could lift you up

I could show you what you wanna see

And take you where you wanna be

You could be my luck

Even if the sky is falling down

I know that we'll be safe and sound!

I could lift you up

I could show you what you wanna see

And take you where you wanna be

You could be my luck

Even if the sky is falling down

I know that we'll be safe and sound!

We're safe and sound

We're safe and sound

We're safe and sound

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

(Hold your ground)

We're safe and sound

(Safe and sound)

We're safe and sound

This song sounds to me almost like a lullaby and with everything I have going on right now I desperately need that soft, protective, loving energy and I completely feel enveloped in it when I listen to this song.  I listened to it on repeat while writing this entire post

This is a big emotional post, and process I am in so I have decided to stop writing for tonight and will further explore these issues likely tonight during my painsomnia and tomorrow. 

Wishing love and healing hugs to my readers, especially those of you suffering from endometriosis. Please remember we are not alone in this battle, though it feels solitary most of the time, so please reach out should you need any support or simply a connection.

namaste ॐ