This Woman's Work, Part Deux

I thoroughly enjoy the process writing my blog on a deep level; I have shared very intimate, personal aspects of the process I am going through with my experience of endometriosis, the losing of my fertility, the frustrations and flat out mistreatment I've received in medical settings. However, it has been eating at me that I haven't shared a very important aspect of my life experience which significantly impact both my physical and emotional repercussions of this disease.  There will be more in depth posts about this aspect in the future but for now I am feeling that the just the "announcement" of this feels BIG enough:

I have sexual abuse in my background. 

I strongly believe is related to my development of endometriosis, and to the severity of the disease I have. This relates to one of my last posts (This Woman's Work) about finally realizing that this disease and my suffering is not my fault - but this is the aspect that was missing in my explanation of that epiphany of coming to that conclusion. I (as many, if not all) sexual abuse SURVIVORS blamed myself. I also blame my endometriosis on my sexual abuse. Therefore, the endometriosis must've also been my fault. I hope that in my sharing of my process of healing this experience and the resulting emotional impact it has had on my life and thus far lack of recovery in terms of endometriosis, I can help other girls maybe lessen some of the painful self-blame, hatred and shame that I've gone through...
that would truly make this all worthwhile. 

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. 

It has taken me years to get to the point to say that, much less believe, it, so I hope this helps anyone out there struggling with similar issues.

I found some amazing abuse-related affirmations, and if you'd like you read them then you just have to simply click here.

One of my all time favorite songs is Pompeii, originally by Bastillle, and though I love love love the original version I also love this cover by Jasmine Thompson which can be found on Youtube by clicking here and the original version can be found by clicking here (I'm super excited as I just discovered this acoustic version and am now listening to it on repeat!!!) This song just speaks to me on so many levels and it resonates deep in my soul, and better yet, I like the sound of it too!! Best combo in music! 

Bastille

Jasmine Thompson

Here are the lyrics to this amazing piece:

I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

 You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices

In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

This song and the lyrics reflect so many things in my life, especially with particular things going on at present and of course those also of the past.  It also takes me back, symbolically of course, to Pompeii.  I am fortunate enough to have been there twice and love the history.  I love love love history and Pompeii is so massive in its destruction, but beautiful still today-- there is also a kind of stillness there that i have yet to experience very many other places. I have found that same kind of stillness at a concentration camp I visited a few summers ago while in Germany; also I can say I've experienced this silence and stillness at deaths I've either witnessed or discovered 

(in my work, geriatrics being my speciality, it isn't really that surprising that I have so much experience with death). That truly indescribably deep sense of silence is also felt when I reflect on the abuse I endured and I remember feeling that sense of quiet while it was happening those so many years ago.

The destruction that took place on my birthday, of course speaking back again about Pompeii. so many years ago (that fact is not ever really lost on me!) is so unimaginable; yet it is quite similar to the destruction that sexual abuse endometriosis have caused not only within my physical body but also in every facet of my life.  It has not caused my death, but it has taken so much from my life and made my mere existence so excruciating 

(physically and emotionally) that several times I have come close 

to ending my own life as a result. There are some researchers our there there refer to abuse, specifically sexual abuse as "soul murder" which I understand on the deepest level, much more than I wish I did- that's for sure!

Surgery is just a few days: and yesterday I had an amazing experience that I think is the first step of healing in regards to this surgery!  A few weeks ago I found a pack of temporary tattoos that have affirmations on them, like 'glowing goddess', 'I love you', 'expecting a miracle'; I decided to get the pregnancy pack and have been putting one or two on a week with my dear friend Jamie.  Yesterday we laid out in the glorious So. Cal springtime sunshine and I brought Katie (for those of you who don't know, I've named my endo bloat Katie) out into the sunshine. My shame of her is dissipating. It has taken years and years, but I've gotten to the point where I don't blame myself for all of this which has also lessened my shame directed toward my bloat! Very exciting. So yesterday afternoon I chose two tattoos for Katie, I chose one that says I LOVE MY BELLY and another is a foil temporary tattoo that is an Egyptian goddess spreading her powerful, strong wings.

Unfortunately the foil one is hard to photograph  and capture the awesome detail. But I just love how powerful, strong,  protective this feels and  I think putting her on Katie is just perfect.

I'm not sure I can even put into words the significance of finally being able to put this message on my endobelly. And yes the redness on my stomach is burns from my  heating pads, my pelvisis completely covered in burns from them!

My wish for those reading my blog are multifaceted:

ॐIf you are reading and do not suffer or have any loved ones suffering from endometriosis, first kudos for reading, and second thank you for taking the time. I hope you learn something here.

ॐIf you love or are close with someone with this awful, overwhelming, life-changing disease I hope you can maybe understand their/our 

experience a bit more.

ॐIf you have endometriosis yourself I hope you realize you are not alone in this and know that I am here if you need any extra support; please feel free to reach out, and knowthere is absolutely 

NO judgement here.

I've decided to end with one or two inspirational quote images, I've made both of thee and they speak deeply to me as I write this post and as the 

surgery date approaches faster and faster!

Ok, ok, one more picture. I have this book by Gabby Bernstein and found the exact meditation/affirmation I needed and want to end with this for tonight.

With big love and peace to all of you, 

I sign off for the night

ॐStephanie

I, girl?

Well...the time is coming: May 29th I will be undergoing robotic endometriosis excision and lysis of adhesions surgery, including an oopherectomy, at UCLA Santa Monica campus.  The surgical consult appointment at UCLA Gynecology was painful (physically and emotionally) but reassuring at the same time.

As any woman with endometriosis knows, physical pelvic examinations can be (in my experience they ALWAYS are)  quite excruciatingly painful.  But, I feel confident in the team being led by the surgeon who specializes in pelvic pain and female reproductive diseases, issues and surgical repair via the DaVinci robot.  The recovery from this upcoming surgery is only resulting in 4 weeks being off of work, for which I am really grateful.  I will likely only be in the hospital for one night, which has been the standard for most of the operations I've had in the past.  And I know UCLA is an incredible educational and medical conglomeration, so speaking in a purely technical, pragmatic perspective I am not concerned about my surgery.  

However, emotionally is a completely different story:

This is my fifth endo-related surgery and hopefully it is my LAST.  Emotionally this surgery has been the hardest for me to wrap my head and heart around-- by far.  I will be permanently losing my ability to have any genetically-related children.  This is a big deal.  I already feel pretty alone but this loss has really sent me reeling.  I feel like, as an only child (and an adopted one at that), who will likely be unmarried and childless, that I will be experiencing my life without that central connection that keeps us tethered, that silver cord that is our connection to someone above all else.  This has sent so many emotions through me: fear, sadness, anger, confusion, wonder, jealousy, worry.

I have an amazing, and quite large, network of amazing people in my life so I do not mean to minimize the significance and strength of which I gain from each and every one of them; however, though there is the saying "friends are the family you choose" (or something like that), I do not know that I agree with the thought. Yes we choose our friends; however there is something about family and the silver cord,which is how I describe it, that is above all other connections, and that which I believe truly connects us to the world, life, each other and ourselves. 

(I am well aware of the option of adoption, as I am adopted myself but that does not lessen the process I find myself going through, so please do not comment to me that I can always adopt)

I find myself contemplating, examining and questioning my femininity during this process also...not that I will be less female per say.  But more relating to the things that I've gone through with this disease and the organs I've lost and will be losing in a few short weeks, have done nothing but cause havoc in my body and my life.  As a result of this suffering, which has been extensive and impacting my life for nearly 18 years (please note I'm only 31 years old) in countless ways, I find myself in a state of near desperation.  I have paid all the dues, so to speak with periods, PMS, cramps, tampons/pads, the horrific embarrassment of bleeding through my pants at times, sore boobs, and of course endometriosis, and will not be able to enjoy the benefits, and the purpose of these trials as a woman. Physically this disease would not necessarily be easier to experience would I be able to bear, or at least be genetically related to my own children, but at least there would be some point to the suffering. I feel like the results of this upcoming surgery, plus the surgeries I've had in the past, will be taking that away. That is a big pill to swallow so to speak, much much larger than I had anticipated, so much so I fear I am beginning to choke on it.

I cannot imagine what I will do, or what my life will look like should this surgery not work.  I take my spiritual life and practices very seriously, including meditation, affirmations, years of deep inner work and reflection, praying and self-exploration.  I've gone into each surgery as positive as possible, having done countless heartfelt affirmations, meditations, counseling and healing work, and allowed myself to have real, genuine hope it the outcome being the best possible.  And initially after each operation I've emerged feeling amazing, having NONE of my debilitating symptoms. People in my life tell me how proud they are of me after my surgeries-- as if the work I've done going into my surgeries, and healing overall, has had an impact on the improvement I experience immediately post-operatively.

However, with each surgery I've been blessed with a reprieve of symptoms and have been able to enjoy life, the longest being a year and a half after my hysterectomy, one of the shortest being about six months after my most recent excision surgery.  What good does six good months do?  It completely stops the momentum of life.  In the past six months of my life I've had major life changes: quit a job, accepted a job (which I absolutely love more than I ever could have imagined), moved, and most unfortunately experienced a relapse in this disease.  Don't get me wrong, I completely appreciate and am grateful for these reprieves and brief experiences of remission; and boy do I live it up.  I am able to enjoy traveling, hiking, hanging out with friends, road trips, yoga, versus when my I'm in a relapse as I am now when my life consists of laying on the floor or couch, vomiting, unbelievable pain, debilitating nausea, among other things. The thing I'm struggling with and questioning now is, does the joy brought about by the remissions make the pure hell of relapses worthwhile? I am actually concerned about my emotional and mental health after this surgery. I just do no know what I will do or where I will turn should I have yet another relapse. I am trying to find the balance between being hopeful that the surgery will do what I so desperately need and give my exhausted body and soul a break but also with being realistic with what I know about this awful disease and the risks associated with surgery.

Emotionally the relapses are absolutely deviating and traumatizing. I feel like a complete failure when the symptoms return and each time I've experienced this I hide the symptoms as long as I can out of fear that I will have disappointed someone: for if my spiritual work had a positive impact on my surgery and outcome then I must've done something to make the relapse occur. While I intellectually know that may not be the case, the core of me feels this.

This Woman's Work

After an intense, intimate, intriguing dialogue with an amazing woman yesterday afternoon I've decided my blog is going to take a slightly different tone. I will continue documenting and sharing my journey to healing in regards to endometriosis; however I will be adding an even more intimate, personal aspect, the journey of my inner healing, reclaiming my lost 
(hopefully temporarily lost) feminine power, or just as important 
-- maybe even more so-- any joy in being a woman.

I thought I'd star this post with my current theme song for the process I'm working through right now.  It is by one of my favorite singers, 
Jasmine Thompson, called Drop Your Guard.
 By clicking here you can watch the video to this song.

Here are the lyrics:

Still waters run deep
Why do you always hide from me
How do you keep
all your troubles underneath

This Joan of Arc quote has become a mantra of mine
to keep myself fighting this battle known as
ENDOMETRIOSIS

 
Emotion is a wild thing
I'm trying not to feel it
We get on
yeah somehow we get by
We're alright cos

Love runs deep
Deeper than the darkest sea
So drop your guard
Why do you have to be so hard

Those paper dolls
Hold each other by the hand
One cut and they break
I'm trying to make you understand
Emotion is a wild thing
Together we can tame it
Look again
Don't you realize
It's in my eyes

Love runs deep
Deeper than the darkest sea
So drop your guard
Why do you have to be so hard

I wasn't asking you to open up
to open up
It's not my business anyway
It's just that when you're hurting
It's like I'm always searching
for the right words to say
We have an unspoken rule
that you're always so cruel
Maybe I'm wrong to believe
but in my dreams

Our love runs deep
deeper than the darkest sea
So drop your guard
Why do you have to be so hard
Our love runs deep
Deeper than the darkest sea
So drop your guard
Why do you have to be so hard

I feel like this song is the perfect accompaniment for this journey on which I am beginning: I am referring to dropping my guard within and to myself. I want to fully trust, listen to and further discover my very essence. I never would have thought that this amazingly beautiful, sacred process would have been initiated because of such an overwhelming, ugly, painful, insidious, wretched disease.  I was motivated yesterday by a special friend and feel like this is part of my life's purpose: to share my experience, to help shine a light on endometriosis and the true impact of this disease on women who have it.

The journey I've been on the last several years with my health condition and how that has significantly impacted and drastically changed my life in every area.  I used to view this disease as a punishment.  However, over the past week and a half I've had an experience (still getting ready to share that) and am working on a perspective shift. I do now KNOW that this disease is not my fault, but I've decided: I'm making a conscious decision to use this otherwise very painful, difficult, at times gut wrenching experience, the pain, the losses and suffering, everything about it, as a springboard.  
That is not to say this is an easy journey by any means; 
it is still painful, scary, sad, overwhelming, confusing. 

This disease has changed my life in ways that I cannot even put to words yet and probably will continue to impact my life for years to come; but by taking my self-assigned guilt or punishment aspect out of it, has lightened the weight of this experience in an incredible way.  In addition to that I believe that this perspective shift has made TRUE healing possible. For as long as I believe the disease is my fault no matter how many surgeries, medications, treatments I would try I would never fully be healed, for I believed it was my fault, what I deserved. However, since that is now shifting I can say with confidence that I KNOW this upcoming surgery is going to be just what I need. 

I am going to continue using this blog writing as a tool to sort this out, hopefully at the same time being able to offer comfort, support to my endo sisters out there, and to remind you that you are not alone.

I've collected a group of affirmations that help us to affirm a positive mindset, a loving way to look at, talk to and treat ourselves:

I painted this a few years ago with the support and
guidance of a very special, powerful goddess friend.
I find it perfect for what I'm going through now.

 My body is the temple of the Goddess. I am perfect. I am divine.

 I am balanced in my creative flow.

 I have the capacity to take in the fullness of life. I lovingly live life to the full.

 I freely and easily release the old and joyously welcome the new.

 I am in control of my life. I am a powerful and dynamic women and my body works perfectly. I love myself.

  

 I accept my female power. I accept all my bodily processes as a natural part of life. I love and approve of myself.

 I am balanced and peaceful in all 
changes of cycles and know that 
I am loved.

I also found some great affirmations that are specifically focused on endometriosis surgery, they can be found by clicking here. 

1. I am healing faster and faster every second that goes by.  

2. My body is very efficient in healing itself.  

3. The endometriosis surgery was successful with no side effects. 

4. I feel better and better because my body is healing fast.  

5. I take good care of my body and my body responds with speeding recovery.  

6. My reproductive organs are healthy and endometriosis free.  

7. The endometrial implants were all successfully removed.  

8. There is healing and wholeness within my body.  

9. Every cell in my body carries a healthy frequency.  

10. I no longer suffer from endometriosis.  

11. I willingly release the energy blocks that prevent my body from healing.  

12. My angels bring healing golden and white light to my reproductive organs.  

13. My guardian angels protect me. I am safe and I am well.  

14. My body inner healing capacity are free to create magic within my body.  

15. I release all the mental and emotional blocks that prevent me from fully enjoy my body and my life.  

16. I am healed in body, mind and spirit.  

17. The endometrial implants are breaking down and leaving my body.  

18. No endometriosis is present within my body.  

19. I am free and I am whole.  

20. I am new, starting from today.

I feel renewed emotionally at this point and I feel as long as I keep working on myself, and my pain gets resolved with this upcoming surgery I feel assured that I will again find my center.  I love the photo above because I remember that exact moment of time.  I was feeling centered, emotionally and physically, and it was after a surgery I had last year. I was full of hope, relief and vigor for being able to get back to my life and get off the couch. I long for those feelings again and I feel like now they are not only greatly possible, but within reach.

I would like to keep with my new tradition in writing my blog posts of ending with a healing prayer.  This is by the one and only, incredible Louise Hay:

I Love Myself 

   Deep at the centre of my being, there is an infinite well of love.  

I now allow this love to flow to the surface. 

It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. 

The more love I use and give, the more I have to give. 

The supply is endless. 

The use of love makes me feel good, it is an expression of my inner joy.   

I love myself; therefore, I take loving care of my body. 

I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages, I lovingly groom it and dress it, and my body lovingly responds to 

me with vibrant health and energy.  

I love myself; therefore provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. 

I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included,  will feel this love and be nourished by it. 

 I love myself; therefore I work at a job I truly enjoy doing, 

one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people I love and who love me, and earning a good income.  

I love myself; therefore, I behave and think in a loving way to all people for I know that that which I give out returns to me multiplied. 

I only attract loving people in my world, for they are a mirror of what I am.  

I love myself; therefore I forgive and totally release the past and all past experiences and I am free.  

I love myself; therefore I live totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure, for I am a beloved child of the Universe and the Universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more.  

And so it is.

I got this shot of beautiful lotus blossoms a few weeks
ago while out at the Getty Villa in Malibu.
The perfect symbol for what I'm going through
and for the message I'm trying to express.

This is another painting I did a few years ago while
my dad was ill and in the hospital.

In the next few days I should be posting about the most incredible experiences I've had within the past few weeks. I look forward to sharing them but am trying to get the description just right.

In peace and love,

Stephanie